1 March 2017, CBS Ed Sullivan Theatre, New York, USA
I am Stephen Colbert and we are live from the Ed Sullivan Theatre. Right after Donald Trump's address to Congress. Now technically this was not a State of the Union, because I think in this timeline, the Confederacy won.
I've never seen this movie before, but I think that's how this one ends.
We've got to get back to the interdimensional portals as quickly as we can.
There was a lot of anticipation tonight - it's a huge evening for the President and for everybody in Washington, and the nation.
Before it even began, CNN trolled the nation with the caption, 'Trump Leaves White House Soon'.
'DON'T TEASE! Not cool CNN! Not cool!
What's next, covering the President descending a staircase with the caption 'Trump Steps Down'.
And as he was leaving the Whtie House, cameras caught President Trump as he was apparently rehearsing his lines in the back of the limo.
Now obviously, CNN's powerful microphones picked up what he was saying.
'AH, I'll have the clams casino,. and the side of steak' And the lady will have a coke no ice, and I will have her steak'.
CNN. Powerful microphones.
Of course it's a really big night, and some in Congress dressed for the occasion. The female members of the House Demorcratic Caucus all wore white, in honour of women's suffrage.
While the Republicans were white, in honour of who elected them.
You gotta give back.
You gotta give back. You gotta dance with the girl that brung ya.
Then, at long last, the big moment came.
Any chance there is a mistake and 'Moonlight' is the President?
And there he was, at long last, the moment we'd been waiting for. He was there in the chamber, being President and all. Trump entered the room and did the traditional handshakes with everybody, so many handshakes, such little hands.
When he took to the podium to deliver the speech, as usual, behind the President were the Vice President, Mike Pence, and the Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, who immediately showed their commitment to fiscal responsibility by purchasing a buy one get one free suit and tie combo.
I mean men wearing a blue suit with a blue tie, that's ridiculous. [adjusts own blue tie]
Now the theme of the speech was ‘renewal of the American spirit,’ which, I’ve got to say, really just sounds like a Chinese bootleg of ‘Make America Great Again,’ And to begin the evening, Trump spoke in uplifting terms.”
Trump: Each American generation passes the torch of truth, liberty and justice — in an unbroken chain all the way down to the present.
Colbert: Then he extinguished that torch with a coconut and asked the Democrats to leave the island.
Trump on curtailing government: We have begun the commitment to ending government corruption by imposing a five year ban on lobbying by executive branch officials. And a lifetime ban on becoming lobbyists for a foreign government.
Colbert: Adding, obviously, yours truly excepted. I got your back Vlad. I got your back.
Trump on plans for small government: We have undertaken a historic effort to massively reduce job crushing regulations, creating a deregulation taskforce inside of every government agency.
Colbert: Yes, a new taskforce, in every government agency. We're going to reduce government, by adding people to the government. It's like how the key to not getting hung over is to never stop drinking.
Trump: We have withdrawn theUnited States from the job killing Trans Pacific Partnership
Colbert: Yes, the Trans Pacific Partnership is just one of the trans this administration is withdrawing it's support from.
Trump on his Executive Orders: We have placed a hiring freeze on non military and non essential federal workers.
Colbert: Non essential Federal workers? So Kellyanne Conway is out?
Trump on his immigration plan: Bad ones are going out as I speak tonight and as I have promised.
Colbert: “Bad ones out, good ones in'. This nuanced policy comes from Trump’s immigration director, Secretary Incredible Hulk. bad. Hulk. Smash.
Trump on his standards for immigrants: “It is a basic principle that those seeking to enter a country ought to be able to support themselves financially.”
Colbert: Just like the Statue of Liberty says, 'Give us your tired, your poor, but not so poor they can’t afford a two-bedroom apartment and, like, a Mitsubishi. We got standards.
Trump on terrorism: We have seen the attacks in France, in Belgium, in Germany and all over the world.
Colbert: And just because we haven’t seen the attacks in Sweden doesn’t mean they did not happen, all right? Invisible terrorists are everywhere.
Trump on the future: Tonight, as I outline the next steps we must take as a country, we must honestly acknowledge the circumstances we inherited.
Colbert: Honestly, I don’t know what we inherited; you inherited, like, $100 million dollars. Let’s be honest.
Trump on what to do next: So to accomplish our goals, we must restart the engine of the American economy.
Colbert: And in the spirit of bipartisanship, Trump then allowed Nancy Polosi to restart that engine.
[video GODFATHER SCENE, CAR BLOWS UP ON IGNITION]
Trump on government spending: With this $6 trillion we could have rebuilt our country — twice. And maybe even three times if we had people who had the ability to negotiate.
Colbert: Maybe even rebuild it 10 times if we had people who refused to pay their contractors.
Trump: Tonight, I am also calling on this Congress to repeal and replace Obamacare … [applause].
Colbert: I’ve got to say, that must have been hard on Trump: People got so excited just hearing Obama’s name.
Trump: Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed. Every problem can be solved.”
Colbert: Well, there’s one problem we can’t solve for four years, but, other than that, I agree with you.
And this surprised me. This next thing I did not expect at all. Trump came out as pro-choice when it comes to schools.
Trump: These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious or home school that is right for them.
Colbert: Wait, you can choose a different home school? Then I choose your home — it seems really nice. Do I bring the kids over? Who teaches them? Maybe Eric teaches them.
Trump on law and order: And we must support the victims of crime.
Colbert: Unless they are plaintiffs against me. Those women are lying.
Of course, his goal is to make America great again, and for everybody wondering, the time Trump thinks America was 'great', well he gave his answer, the 1886 World's Fair.
Trump: Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time, Remington unveiled the first typewriter, an early attempt was made at electric light. Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph, and an electric pen. Imagine the wonders our country could know in America's 250th year.
Colbert: Who knows, maybe a cordless pen? That's not fair. When Trump says electric pen, he means where he plans to keep the immigrants.
Then he laid out a vision for the future
Trump: The time for trivial fights is behind us.
Colbert: Adding just one more thing: Suck it, Nordstrom.
So, as we come to end of tonight’s address to Congress, I think we can all agree on one thing — one down, seven to go.