4 March 2017, Gridiron Club, Washington DC, USA
This is a part transcript. Speakola has been unable to find a full transcript.
I know that the rituals of the Gridiron can be formal, so I want to greet them in a way they're more familiar with: Nasdrovia!
Speaking of … we were told that Jeff Sessions intended to be here tonight, but I understand he had to recuse himself. Excuse! Excuse!
[To Pence] Does the president know you're here, laughing it up with the enemies of the American people?
It's okay, Mr. Vice President, people here can keep a secret. This isn't the White House.
[Here are few more of Pelosi's best zingers]
I am sorry the president couldn't join us. I understand that he is in the Situation Room, monitoring an urgent matter that demands his full attention: "Saturday Night Live.
This White House has more drama among rich people than a Jane Austen novel. In fact, I'm told the Secret Service code names for President Trump and Bannon are "Pride" and "Prejudice."
'Drain the swamp'
This president has appointed so many people from Goldman Sachs to high positions that there's nobody left to listen to Hillary's speeches.
But don't you love D.C. in March? The sun starts to shine, and we can finally see all the emoluments. I'm sorry, the monuments.
Vice President Pence recently mixed up the Israeli and Nicaraguan flags.
We've all used the wrong emoji before. But moving our embassy from Tel Aviv to Managua? That's going a little too far.
Don't worry. In the words of the ancient Hebrew proverb: "No problemo. Esta bien."
'The Oscar goes to'
The president is paranoid that Hollywood is against him — and you know everything's all about him. As for the Academy Awards, he thought the nominated films were all documentaries:
Fences was about his immigration policy.
Arrival was about his travel ban.
La La Land was about his first month in office.
And Hidden Figures was about his tax returns.
This is Joe Biden's Gridiron Club speech from 2016