Thank you, thank you. It is great to be [inaudble].
For those of you who may not know, I'm Ricky's younger brother, Jonathan. And I'm extremely honored to be here tonight to be the best man not just to my brother but to one of my best friends, Ricky. You might think it would be hard for us to be so close. We're like 90 years apart. He's so old and I'm so young and handsome. But as luck would have it, both of us have a maturity level of about a seventh grader. RICKY: Put together. JONATHAN: Combined. So it kinda works out nicely.
Before I get all sentimental, it wasn't always so great to be Ricky's brother. I know, it's shocking. But when Ricky was in high school, he often babysat for me, my sister Josie and my cousin Mike. So when it came time for dinner, Ricky used to order a pizza, take in the whole thing into his room and leave us with cool-aid packets. That's right. He didn't even make the cool-aid for us. Now that I think about it, high school Ricky kinda sucks. I can't hold that against him anymore because he's really made up for it since then. Just a show of hands, how many people have ever left a conversation with Ricky thinking, "That guy would really be something if he had a personality." We got one guy. Okay, yeah, not very many. Ricky can make almost anyone laugh except for poor Lauren after she's heard of the same joke for the 90th time.
I'm about to reveal Ricky's most guarded secret. I think Lauren would be here. Ricky is like the funniest person alive, for like twenty minutes next to me after that he's only so-so. I'm sorry, it's true. Don't get me wrong though, there's no one in the world I'd rather hang out with than my brother Ricky. And I mean that literally because we hang out together all the time. Sometimes we even go out to lunch together wearing the exact same outfit. It's a great time until one of Ricky's high school and college friends comes by and thinks as though we might be dating. Let me tell you that it's awkward.
Speaking of dating - see what I did there - Ricky and Lauren have been dating for the past five years. And I just want to say Lauren's making me feel amazing right now because I know this speech was terrible. She'd be giving me this look right now like, "You are making such a fool of yourself." A.K.A the look she gives Ricky 95% of the time. So thank you for the support.
Anyways, out of those five years, I can count on one hand the amount of days that they've spent apart from each other. And you know what, if it hasn't happened yet, you guys never getting sick of each other, it's not gonna happen. And I hope that it never happens because I know that you guys truly love each other.
What else but love can explain how Ricky come up to Lauren and say, "Listen, I have this great idea. I'm gonna put on this tank top, we're going outside, I'm gonna pour this freezing cold jug of milk on my head, I'm gonna make sure it's in super slow motion, and then" - (laughter) - you should give it up for [Lauren] here [inaudible] - and Lauren agrees to it. But the results speak for themselves, [inaudible].
Ricky and Lauren asked me to be their best man, that's right, their best man. Because as Ricky has put it no one has spent more time with Ricky and Lauren together than me. And I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves right now, "Wow, that sounds terrible. I don't want my little brother hanging around with my girlfriend all the time." But not once did you guys ever made me feel I was getting in your way or you secretly wish I would go away. Maybe once in a while you [inaudible], but I thank you for hiding it so well.
I honestly love you both for all that you've done for me and I couldn't be happier to be here today to celebrate your wedding. If I was less awesome, I'd be crying right now. But instead, I just wanna toast my brother Ricky and my new sister Lauren, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness and I honestly cannot wait to see what your kids end up like.
One last thing, since so many of our family came all the way from the great country of Mexico tonight, I've translated this entire speech into Spanish and I would like to read it for all of you right now. Ricky y Lauren, los quiero.