27 February 2016, Gridiron Club dinner, Washington DC, USA
This dinner is an occasion for skits and jokes, by political insiders to an audience of Washington press corps. These excerpts were the only ones released by the White House.
[Walk to podium with “Hail to the Chief” playing]
God, I love that song.
And here I am at the Gridiron, seven years after I first spoke here.
You guys have an African-American President, succeeded by an Irish-American Vice President.
Doyle, I like the way this place works.
In fact, the other day I walked into the Oval and said, “Barack, I think you should resign.”
He said, “To join the Supreme Court?”
I said, “Sure, whatever.”
I have been around long enough to remember some of the most prominent publications of the past.
The Herald Tribune.
The Philadelphia Daily News.
The Washington Star.
The fact is we all have a lot in common.
Like you, I’ll be out of a job in a year, as well.
And – like you – I’m thinking about what I’ll do next.
I was actually thinking about starting a morning show.
Invite interesting people. Talk issues of the day.
I already thought of a catchy name—
I’m only kidding. Why in the hell would anyone watch a show called “Morning Joe?”
As you know, I’ve always ranked among the poorest Members of Congress—and all of these years, it didn’t bother me much before. Until I learned my net worth was even less than Bernie Sanders. Look—when a socialist has more money than you— you know you’ve been doing something really wrong for a long, long time.
A lot of you have brought up a clip from a speech I made in 1992. On the Senate floor. Talking about a potential nomination to the Supreme Court.
Look, what can I tell you? That was a different time.
A Clinton was at the top of the polls.
The Bush dynasty was in trouble.
Donald Trump was saying outlandish things.
As I said, a totally different time.
Marco Rubio: That debate where Robo Rubio appeared. Look, it shows exactly why I’ve never bothered with any talking points. They just get you in trouble.
And when Marco brought my name up in a debate, he said Biden’s got 1,000 years of experience in Washington. Well, you know what that makes me? A millennial.
That’s why I’m on Snapchat—
which is perfect for me.
It cuts off me after 10 seconds.
And everything disappears the next day.
But Twitter, now that’s another thing.
I can’t even say “hello” in less than 140 characters.
Ted Cruz? An inspiration to every kid in America who worries that he’ll never be able to run for President because nobody likes him. He’s running. And look, I told Barack, if you really, really want to remake the Supreme Court, nominate Cruz. Before you know it, you’ll have eight vacancies.
And Donald Trump.
Donald has attacked every person of color – except John Boehner.
And he has demonstrated that he has a very difficult time when he has to deal with bright women of authority, like Megyn Kelly and Governor Nikki Haley. Can't you picture it? Can't you picture his reaction watching Hillary take the oath of office? It’s going to be worth the price of admission.
But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes “people who don't get captured."
What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain.
So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word – and release Chris Christie right now.
Folks, if you’re still trying to figure what's happened and why Trump is on top. Even after insulting war heroes, immigrants, women. The Pope.
Well, it’s simple. As my father used say, “When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.”
Wait, maybe that was Winston Churchill.