11 February, Beverly Hilton Hotel, Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, USA
Good evening fellow Disney employees.
So nice to be here amongst the least worst people in Hollywood.
And also James Woods. Oh is he not here this year? he's not? Oh I wore nice shoes!
Oh,alright, I'm Patton Oswalt, and after an exhuastive six month investigation by the Writers Guild West and Writers Guild East, and all findings independently verified by a secret commission led by Ronan Farrow, and after passing a lie detector and DNA test, I've been chosen to be the host of tonight's WGA Awards.
We have three backups waiting in the wings. Just in case I ... misread the greenroom.
Right that was the long version of the joke, here's the shorter version we came up ... let's see if this one works:
I'm your host Patton Oswalt, or as Guillermo del Toro calls me, the shape of pudding, ha! Yes, pretty good? I owe my brother ten dollars.
What a breakthrough year it has been for wriiting! And I'm just talking about the New York Times and the Hollywood Reporter, folks.
This is my third year in a row hosting the WGA awards.
Just 97 more and I get syndication, folks.
By the way, look, I'm very happy to be back here hosting the WGA Awards. I would do this every year if you asked me, and I hope I'm not about to woke myself out of a job for a while, but given the current atmosphere, maybe get a female host next year. There are hilarious comedians and writers out there, get Morgan Murphy, get Apala Nantrilla, get the girls from Broad City! They'd be amazing.
I can always come back. I'm not going anywhere. I've plateaued, you can always get me.
Those guys are rocketing. Grab em while you can.
And I would also like to speak on behalf of all the awards show hosts when I say that hosting an awards show this year, is like hosting the worst murder mystery dinner ever. One of you is a murderer and that's not even the bad news.
It's really hard to believe that the actors and producers who yell at you every day turned out to be bad people! Can you believe that/
And I can't believve 'Handsmaid Tale' is nominated. That show is so unrealistic. I mean our government is not that organised.
Curb your enthusiasm is up for an award tonight.
Curb Your Enthusiasm premiered in 2000.= I can’t believe it’s been on for three seasons already.
It was a very rough year for Hollywood, but on the bright side, we managed to normalise Tonya Harding, and jerking off with peaches. So ...
So I’d just like to say, all my SAG friends have told me that Arnie would have got the nomination if he’d eaten that peach ... COM-MIT.
I’m going to wrap this up. We have a very very fun show.
Only to say, and I don’t want to get all maudlin, but, the world right now, needs writers.
More than ever, and I’m going to show you why. We have a concrete reason why.
I don’t know if you guys remember but during the 2008 Writers Guild strike, remember the networks were suddenly desperate for content,
‘yeah, I heard a little yeah ... yeah, I got my calves in shape’
But youi remember how desperate the networks were for content, so suddenly all the Hollywood producers, who had to make all their alimony payments, organised a huge summit meeting, just like at the beginning of The Warriors, and they realised that the best way to make shows without writers, was that you just point cameras at assholes. So the networks green lit a whole bunch of asshole filled reality shows, including a gaping shit shoot known as The Apprentice, and like a small malignant growth, inside the rectum of America’s sunbelt, began the unchecked ascent of Donald Trump.
So listen, to any producers watching. The next time you think about taking away writers jobs, or developing a show without a true scribe, I want you to imagine ... in fact I want you to close your eyes right now ... I want you to imagine President ... Theodore ... Nugent.
And never fuck with writers again.
And another thing ... for the love of god, please don’t reboot Barney Miller. That show was perfect. Do not reboot Barney Miller.
Now given the climate, the WGA thought it would be in poor taste to bring out some scantily clad women, to hand out the trophies, so instead tonight I present to you, the trophy maids ... [handmaid’s tale dress ups] The trophy maids will be handing out awards.
Please give it up for Of William Goldman, and Of Gavin Pallone. There you go right there.
And then just to make sure there was no hint of sexual attraction on stage, the Guild hird me.
And while we understand you writers are generally seen but not heard, which is very unfair, we only have the room until 7.30. I’m sorry ... there’s a My Little Pony Convention, they signed on for it, the Bronies.