Groucho Marx: 'I want to thank those who voted for me to get this award', Honourary Oscar - 1974

2 April 1974, Los Angeles, USA

Thank you. I want to thank those who voted for me to get this award. I wish that Harpo and Chico could be here to share it with me, this great honor. I wish Margaret Dumont could be here, too. She was a great straight woman for me, even though she never understood any of my jokes. She used to say, "Julie, what are they laughing at?" But most of all I want to thank my mother, because without her we never would have been anything. And last of all I'd like to thank Erin Fleming who makes my life worth living and who understands all my jokes.

Groucho Marx: 'He’s a complete stranger, and not even a close one at that', Friars Club Roast - 1968

20 October 1968, televised NBC, California, USA

Friars and guests of honour, when I was asked to appear here tonight, on the crack musical to honour Johnny Carson, my immediate reaction was to give up my citizenship and move to Czechoslovakia.

Gee I thought they’d yell at that.

Deadly silence came over half of Maddox.

Frankly I cannot live in a country that will honour a man whose only claim to fame is that from the side he looks like Audrey Hepburn.

Actually when you’re commanded to appear at this kind of a turkey, you will naturally feel privileged and honoured, but in my case it’s ridiculous.

I hardly know the man.

He’s a complete strangler, no a stranger.

He’s a complete stranger, and not even a close one a that.

True, I’ve heard a few stories about Johnny Carson, but a man’s private sordid life is his own.

Nevertheless I have done some research on little Johnny.

I went back to the scene of his childhood, Nebraska. Isn’t that true, Nebraska. You keep shifting around the middle west, I don’t know where you’re from.

I went to Nebraska to talk to Johnny’s mother. I’m happy to report she remembers Johnny. She doesn’t remember his father, but she remembers Johnny. Then I called on his old high school teacher, and I asked her, what kind of a student was Johnny Carson? But she didn’t remember Johnny. However, she did remember Johnny’s father.

You know I try to watch Johnny, I’ve tuned in three times. One time Jerry Lewis was the host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. The second time Harry Belafonte was the host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. The third time, I was the host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. I've never known Johnny Carson to host The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

We’re honouring a man who doesn’t show up for work.

He could be the mayor. (Mayor John Lindsay was one of the other speakers]

Let me give you an idea of the friendship Johnny Carson and I have for each other.

I was on Johnny Carson’s very first Tonight Show, six years ago. I’ll never forget the first night I met him. And heaven knows I’ve tried. I was in my dressing room, at least that’s what they said it was. It was the only dressing room I ever saw with twelve sinks.

He rushed in dropped some change in the machine, bought a comb, a nail clipper, had a sprite of perfume and left

The last time I saw him was about forty minutes ago.

I had the same dressing room .

Two sinks had been removed.

He came in and said, ‘Boy am I glad you’re here ... the nail clipper doesn’t work.’

Well for your information, Mr Carson, the perfume’s worn off too.