4 June 2022, The Alphington Social, Melbourne, Australia

Alex: Mum told us that this speech had to be two things: short and not embarrassing.

[Unravels large scroll of paper to floor] So uhhhhhh!

PJ: We were told to cut out the embarrassing story. Unfortunately. Yeah, it's really bad. So Mum has always had bad birthdays. We have contributed in some part to this. One of her worst birthdays was getting lost on the way to a Wiggles concert with Alex in a hip spiker cast. After breaking his leg for the second time,

PJ: Dad was stuck at home with gastro, and we were moving to Melbourne in six weeks.

Alex: The thing is, even after all these shitty birthdays, she has remained, I won't say optimistic, but

PJ: She has managed to put up with us and not murder us, and this has in fact demonstrated her enormous strength of character.

Alex: She's an incredibly powerful and strong woman.

PJ: She will not let something so small as a car crashing through her fence ruin her thirtysomething birthday.

Alex: She found her way to the Wiggles concert and she had fun, goddmmit.

PJ: She inspires us every day to say what we think. To always stand up for others, be nice to others and be brave because she does this every day.

Alex: And the fact that she managed to complete a PhD with us at home is incredible.

PJ: So we must give our thanks to her for influencing us, and forming us into passable human beings,

Alex: Which, considering us, is a bloody good achievement. And we hope that this birthday is the one that you always dreamed of.

PJ: Finally, not a shit birthday.