Finn Stannard: 'Announcing yourself to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?', St Ignatius College, Riverside - 2018

June 2018, St Ignatius College, Riverside, Sydney, Australia

Full video is on SBS website, where story first ran

I’ve been working towards this speech for four years. In those four years, I have come to understand who I am and how to not be sorry for being myself.

The first time I told someone I was gay I was 13. It took me 18 months after realising that I was gay to tell my parents. Coming out was a scary experience. Even though I knew my parents loved me there is always a fear that comes with telling those you love something important and I was afraid of changing myself in their eyes.

Life was easier living as the straight eldest son. I had spent so long behind the façade of a confident, heterosexual man that I wasn’t sure if I knew how to be me. I think a part of me wanted to hold onto who I’d always appeared to be … something safe. Announcing yourself to the world is pretty terrifying because… what if the world doesn’t like you?

I decided that it was finally time to tell someone the truth. It wasn’t easy, but I told my mum that I thought I might be gay. She said to me that she loved me and that nothing could change that. The next day my dad simply said: “I don’t mind” and that he’ll “always love me”.

That night I went to bed and knew that I’d done something big – I’d told those closest to me exactly who I was and now I got the chance to be myself. Last year I came out to my two younger brothers and I finally got the chance to exhale. I got to be more me than I had been in a really long time. I found that nothing really had changed with my family.

I was still the boy that my mum teases daily and that my dad relies upon for just about anything to do with technology. After years of not being true to myself and denying who I really was, I had overcome my fear. So, to my wonderful family. Thank you for loving me and accepting me as your son and for letting me be exactly who I am.

While my family handled the news of my sexual identity perfectly, outside of home, being gay has not always been easy. I have been the subject of countless rumours and unpleasant jokes. Telling friends was difficult and came with a lot of anxiety. My main fear was no longer being accepted, of losing my friends, and being the subject of derogatory jokes.

I didn’t know it was possible to be myself at school. I felt that if I was gay - or different - I could never be accepted. I quickly grew tired of hiding behind the mask I’d made for myself.

I struggled with symptoms of depression and anxiety. Sometimes these were made worse due to what might seem like minor things going on in the classroom or playground. For example; we routinely use the word ‘gay’ as a synonym for something bad. Often this term isn’t being used in a homophobic manner but the impact these words can have on a young man coming to terms with his sexuality can be immeasurable. It was these, seemingly small, yet cumulative experiences that made me feel like I would never be accepted.

After a rough week, I talked to my parents and they suggested I see the school counselling team. Seeking support was the first and biggest step towards accepting who I was. Talking to someone when we need help is integral. We need to challenge the belief a lot of men have where we put off asking for help, hoping it will all just go away.

Once I started to accept who I was and realised that I couldn’t do it all alone, I found my life getting a lot brighter. I’ve become a lot happier at school, I’ve met new people and come to understand who my real friends are. All of this seemed impossible to the boy I was a mere 12 months ago.

I’ve been so fortunate over the years to have friends who love and accept me for who I am. My friends have stood by me when things got hard and would step up when I needed support. To the boys who see me having a boyfriend as normal as having a girlfriend, I’d like to say thank you for accepting me and allowing me to be me. Having friends who appreciate you for who you are is one of the most important parts of life. They make the good times even better and help us through the bad ones.

To our school, the teachers, my head of house, to our counsellors, Mr Lowe and Dr Hine, I would also like to say thanks. Thank you for accepting that we are all unique. And that there are many ways for us to be a member of our wolf pack. We are so privileged to be at a school that empowers and respects diversity.

Adolescence is a time for the discovery of oneself, uncovering who you truly are and with that comes the fear and uncertainty of real acceptance. But as I have learned, denying who you are takes away your ability to be accepted by others and to accept others in return. In my experience, denying who you are only limits our ability to be happy and to give happiness. A life living behind a mask is not one any person should have to live.

So, with that in mind, my message to you all is this:

Surround yourself with the people who let you live as your true self and never be afraid of asking for help. Find your own identity and be comfortable with who you are. Being different, whether it’s being gay or being part of another minority group, can be challenging but it does not have to be scary and isolating.

We, the students, have a unique and special opportunity to mould our community to be something great. One of support and encouragement, where we advocate for one another. Where we stand up and care for each other. This means that when it’s time for us to say to the world “this is me, this is who I truly am”, our friends will stand by us and accept us for who we are. Everyone here, sitting in this room is your brother. As your brothers, you might not like them all the time but you’d be damned if you left them to fend for themselves especially if they are struggling or feeling alone.

Be the friends that call out that unintentionally homophobic or racist joke. Stand up for your friend when you hear rumours about what they did on the weekend. Be the change you want to see and others will follow. I believe that this school can become something special. Maybe it will be somewhere safe where we can learn from each other and be who we are, welcoming people who are different than us. But we can only do this together.

I have come a long way from the scared Year 8 boy who would hide in his room in the dark. Since then, I have come to know who I am and what I stand for. Accepting and loving who you are is one of the greatest challenges you will ever encounter. Every person in this room is currently, or will at some point, experience this challenge. No amount of school or tests can teach us to love and accept ourselves and others. But every single one of you can help, in your own way, by accepting others for exactly who they are."

Ellen de Generes: 'You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you?', Tulane University - 2009

11 May 2009, Tulane University, New Orleans, USA

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests, you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven’t slept since Fat Tuesday, but you can’t graduate ’til I finish, so listen up.

When I was asked to make the commencement speech, I immediately said yes. Then I went to look up what commencement meant which would have been easy if I had a dictionary, but most of the books in our house are Portia’s, and they’re all written in Australian. So I had to break the word down myself, to find out the meaning.

Commencement: common, and cement, common cement. You commonly see cement on sidewalks. Sidewalks have cracks, and if you step on a crack, you break your mother’s back. So there’s that. But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumini, aluminum, alumis; you had to graduate from this school. And I didn’t go to college here, and I don’t know if President Cowan knows, I didn’t go to any college at all, any college. And I’m not saying you wasted your time, or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks, our mascot was the knockers. I spent a lot of time here growing up. My mom worked at Newcomb and I would go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse. But why am I here today? Clearly not to steal, you’re too far away and I’d never get away with it.I’m here because of you. Because I can’t think of a more tenacious, more courageous graduating class. I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes. Usually when you’re wearing a robe at 10 in the morning, it means you’ve given up. I’m here because I love New Orleans. I was born and raised here, I spent my formative years here, and like you, while I was living here I only did laundry six times. When I finished school, I was completely lost and by school, I mean middle school, but I went ahead and finished high school anyway. And I really, I had no ambition; I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I did everything from: I shucked oysters, I was a hostess, I was a bartender, I was a waitress, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners; I had no idea and I thought I’d just finally settle in some job and I would make enough money to pay my rent, maybe have basic cable, maybe not, I didn’t really have a plan, my point is that, by the time I was your age, I really thought I knew who I was but I had no idea. Like for example, when I was your age, I was dating men. So what I’m saying is, when you’re older, most of you will be gay. Anyone writing this stuff down? Parents?

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and the way I ended up on this path was from a very tragic event. I was maybe nineteen, and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident. And I passed the accident, and I didn’t know it was her and I kept going and I found out shortly after that, it was her. And I was living in a basement apartment; I had no money; I had no heat, no air, I had a mattress on the floor and the apartment was infested with fleas. And I was soul-searching, I was like, why is she suddenly gone, and there are fleas here? I don’t understand, there must be a purpose and wouldn’t it be so convenient if we could pick up the phone and call God and ask these questions.And I started writing and what poured out of me was an imaginary conversation with God, which was one-sided and I finished writing it and I looked at it and I said to myself, and I hadn’t even been doing stand-up, ever, there was no club in town. I said, “I’m going do this on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” at the time he was the king “and I’m going be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down.” and several years later, I was the first woman in the history of the show, and only woman in the history of the show to sit down, because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote. And I started this path of stand-up and it was successful and it was great but it was hard because I was trying to please everybody and I had this secret that I was keeping, that I was gay. And I thought if people found out they wouldn’t like me, they wouldn’t laugh at me. Then my career turned into, I got my own sitcom, and that was very successful, another level of success. And I thought, what if they find out I’m gay, then they’ll never watch, and this was a long time ago, this was when we just had white presidents but anyway, this was back many years ago and I finally decided that I was living with so much shame, and so much fear, that I just couldn’t live that way anymore and I decided to come out and make it creative. And my character would come out at the same time, and it wasn’t to make a political statement, it wasn’t to do anything other than to free myself up from this heaviness that I was carrying around, and I just wanted to be honest. And I thought, “What’s the worst that could happen? I can lose my career”. I did. I lost my career. The show was cancelled after six years without even telling me; I read it in the paper. The phone didn’t ring for three years. I had no offers. Nobody wanted to touch me at all. Yet, I was getting letters from kids that almost committed suicide, but didn’t because of what I did. And I realized that I had a purpose. And it wasn’t just about me and it wasn’t about celebrity, but I felt like I was being punished and it was a bad time, I was angry, I was sad, and then I was offered a talk show. And the people that offered me the talk show tried to sell it. And most stations didn’t want to pick it up. Most people didn’t want to buy it because they thought nobody would watch me.Really when I look back on it, I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place. I don’t live in fear, I’m free; I have no secrets and I know I’ll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought when I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars, I want to have groupies. To quote the Pussycat Dolls. How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way? It’s not, it’s “groupies”.

But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you’ll realize the definition of success changes. For many of you, today, success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrityand not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you’re not, to live your life as an honest and compassionate person, to contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion, follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else’s path, unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path and by all means you should follow that. Don’t give advice, it will come back and bite you in the ass. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future, but there’s no need to worry. The economy is booming, the job market is wide open, the planet is just fine. It’s going be great. You’ve already survived a hurricane. What else can happen to you? And as I mentioned before, some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most. And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview. Like, “Is it above sea level?” So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded, in the common cement speech, I guess what I’m trying to say is life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with and you’ll be drunk, most of the time. So the Katrina class of 2009, I say congratulations and if you don’t remember a thing I said today, remember this, you’re going to be ok, dum de dumdumdum, just dance.