Stephen Colbert: 'The most impressive ranking of all is Playboy once again naming you the number one party school in America', UVA - 2013

18 May 2013, University of Virginia, Virginia, USA

Good morning, good morning. I am Stephen Colbert and I want to thank the class of 2013 for inviting me here today. Thank you very much, it’s an honor.

This is way more than I expected. This is incredibly generous, I would have done it for free; it’s incredibly generous. Thank you.

Now before we get started, I just want a little bit of business, ah, out of courtesy, If anyone here has a cell phone, please take a moment to make sure it's turned on. I wouldn't want anyone to miss a text or a tweet while I'm giving my speech. In fact, you might want to take a moment right now, and follow my Twitter feed, it’s @stephenathome, just in case I tweet anything during the speech.

And now, then, it is an honor to speak at your 2013 Valedictory Exercises - I believe that means I am this year's valedictorian, and I am as shocked as you are, because I didn't make it to many classes this year. You guys must've really tanked your finals, thank you for that.

I'd also like to thank President Teresa Sullivan. Thank you very much, President Sullivan, you are way better than that last president, Teresa Sullivan, she was terrible. I am so glad they cut her loose. Good riddance, I say! No, you are clearly the woman for this job.

I would also like to thank the Board of Visitors; Board of Visitors, of course, that name goes all the way back to your founder Thomas Jefferson, who was just trying to put the local Indians at ease - "Just visiting, must be going home any century now."

And just as many of the unique, dignified things that set UVA apart from other universities. Instead of “freshmen” you have “first years,” instad of a "quad" you call it a "lawn," instead of saying, "We are members of a proud educational tradition dating back to our nation’s founders," you say "Wahoowa," which begs the eternal question, "Wahoo-why?"

Now, I went to Hampden-Sydney College, {applause} thank you, thank you, please sit down, and I used to come up here as much as I could, because, you had these things back then, I’m not sure what you call them now - "girls." We did not have those at Hampden-Sydney, and when I could not find one of those here, I would head over to the “White Spot” to get a Grillswith to fill the void in my heart. Literally, my cardiologist has found recently one lodged in there. And, early this morning, I had a little tour around your beautiful campus and I just asked myself, "Why are you leaving?"

You know what it’s like out there, right? Plus this could be the most spectacular place you will ever live. It is the only campus in America designated a UNESCO World Heritage site. I believe it means that if you try to carve your name into a desk, UN will send in ground troops, and you are not gonna’ top these living conditions unless your post college plans are to sublet the Taj Mahal.

I just want to say the UVA students are incredible. The men are all gentlemen. And the women are all the most beautiful and intelligent in the world. I'm not just saying that because I dated a UVA girl. I'm saying it because I married her.

You are graduates of one of the most highly ranked universities in the nation. US News & World Report ranks you as the number two public university. Princeton Review named you number one in best value of a public college. Especially for those of you who showed the initiative to be born in Virginia. Let’s give a round of applause to those of you who pay out of state tuition. Because without those people, tomorrow instead of wearing gowns and mortarboards, you'd be graduating in ponchos made of Hefty bags with used pizza boxes on your head.

As has been stated before, the most impressive ranking of all has once again has to be Playboy once again naming you the number one party school in America. Now to be clear, I only read Playboy for the rankings. But I am not surprised by this honor – I have seen you in action. When I used to visit back in the days, I spent a fair amount of time at the Phi-Kap House, which at that time had no doors, because apparently, they kept being partied off their hinges. But I’m not going on more about those days because I cannot remember them.

And you know this is an impressive institution because it rejected my application. Yes, in the spring of 1984 I applied as a transfer student, and at the time you could send your essay after the rest of your application. Apparently the admission board took issue with the content of my essay, which was none, because I never sent it. So today, President Sullivan, I would like to submit this address as my essay. Since this is a smart school, let me just toss in some SAT words: syzygy, heterodox, Benedict Cumberbatch. Am I in? I know, I am not a Virginia resident.

But perhaps the real reason UVA is so great is that it trusts its students. You have the nation’s oldest student-run honor code. Say it with me - on my honor, I pledge that I have neither given nor received help on this assignment, so help me Adderall.

My favorite thing about UVA has got to be your secret societies. That's sexy. You got the Z’s, you got I think the Illuminati, the Masons, and Shield, I think some of you remember the Shield. But of course the most secret of all is the Sevens Society. Nobody knows who's in it. I'm not going to say I'm a Seven. I'm not going to say I'm not a Seven ... I'm just going to say eviganblumencroft ... benedictcomberbachen Now I have to have all of you killed!

Now, of course, many of you already know, but for the uninitiated let me explain: When a member of the Seven dies, a wreath of black magnolias shaped like seven appears at their grave, and the university chapel chimes at seven seconds interval, on the seventh dissonant chord of the seventh minute past the hour. All the group’s donations contain the number seven like it’s $777,777 grant to fund the Meed endowment, so it appears that the way you qualify for the Sevens is by having a crippling OCD, and you know what is good for that – Adderall!!

Now, what is not a secret is the list of the distinguished UVA alums, which is as impressive as it was easy to copy and paste from Wikipedia. You got Woodrow Wilson, Robert Kennedy, Janet Napolitano, Katie Couric, Tina Fay, the painter Georgia O’Keefe – I love her paintings – they remind me of something I never saw at Hampden-Sydney. And, of course, Edgar Allan Poe, or as his roommates called him, Creepy Eddie. I don’t understand why Lenore couldn’t have just given him a pity date, or just that “I am busy Saturday night”; she didn’t have to say “nevermore”. Like most students, young Mr. Poe had a way of signaling tom his roommates if he had a date over. He would hang a sock on the door, or bury a still-beating heart under the floorboards, whichever he had handy.

But of course the greatest figure associated with UVA is your founder, Thomas Jefferson - TJ, Prez Tommy Jeff, the freckly anti-federalist, Louisiana purchee, old Bible Slicer, or as most Americans know him, the inventor of the six-inch wooden cypher wheel. In founding this great institution, Jefferson wrote – “We wish to establish in the upper country of Virginia a university on a plan so broad and liberal and modern, to be a temptation of youth to other states to come and drink the cup of knowledge and fraternize with us,” and according to Playboy you lived up to that vision.

But there’s one thing about Jefferson that I take issue is this: the scope of his beliefs, which were too broad. Jefferson is hard to nail down. These days we would like politicians to fit into a category – you are either conservative or liberal. But not Jefferson; he is not like that. No matter what are your political leanings, you can find something he said to back that up. If you don’t trust the financial industry, he said “I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberty than standing army.” If you are suspicious of federal overreach,” he said, “When a government fears the people there is a liberty, and when people fear the government there is tyranny. If you question religion”, he wrote, “In every country and in every age the priests have been hostile to liberty, and if you are an advocate of fiscal austerity” he said, “I’m gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket, I’m, I’m, I’m hunting, looking for a come up, this is (fucking) awesome” - I’m not saying that on camera. That, of course, was in a letter to the Secretary of State Ryan Lewis.

Also on the one hand, in Jefferson's public life as a founding father, we often see him as the embodiment of the white male patriarchy. But in his private life, he was known for, shall we say, embracing diversity. Very affirmative in his actions, am I right? I'm right; they did the DNA tests on that one.

You know what? I'm not going to say any more on that, you've heard too much about that in the past, instead I'll just tweet it.

Now, while that’s arriving all over your phones right now, I am going to take the opportunity to move to the advice section of the speech.

If you young folks will take advice from anyone, after all, I don’t know if you've seen it — this week’s Time Magazine called you “lazy, entitled narcissists,” who are part of the “Me, Me, Me” generation. So self-obsessed - tweeting your Vines, hashtagging your Spotifys and Snapchatting your YOLOs - your generation needs everything to be about you. And that's very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is kind of our thing. We're the original "Me Generation," we made the last 50 years all about us. We took all the money. We soaked up all the government services. And we've deep-fried nearly everything in the ocean. It may seem that all that’s left for you is unpaid internships, Monday to Tuesday mail delivery, and thanks to global warming, soon Semester at Sea will mean sailing the coast of Ohio.

Now, in our defense, in my generation’s defense – how were we supposed to know that you were coming? We thought it went like this: every successive generation of mankind – and then us! Ta-dah – roll credits.

But while we may be leaving you with an economy with fewer job opportunities for the new graduate to slip into and while traditional paths may seem harder to find, that also means that you will learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself. There is no secret society out there that will tap you on the shoulder one night and show you the way. Because the true secret is - your life will not be defined by the society that we have left you.

To paraphrase Robert Bolt, "Society has no more idea of what you are than you do, because ultimately it has only your brains to think with. Every generation must define itself and so make a world that suits itself ..." So if you must find your own path, and you are left with no easy path, then decide to take the hard path that leads you to the life and the world that you want.

And don’t worry if we do not approve of your choices. In our benign self-absorption, I believe we have given you a gift; a particular form of independence, for you do not owe the previous generation anything. Thanks to us, you owe it to the Chinese.

So have the courage to follow the example of your founder, Thomas Jefferson, the greatest mind of that most daring generation, to create something new for yourselves, "and lay its foundation on such principles and organizing its power in such form as to you shall seem most likely to affect your safety and happiness." And know that though he wrote these words 237 years ago, that this generation, no less than his generation, has their own opportunity to recognize and seize that moment “when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands that have connected them with another and assume among the powers of the earth your separate and equal station and for the support of this, mutually pledge to each other your lives, your fortune and your sacred honor.” If anyone can do this, it is the graduates of the university that Jefferson founded. You are his intellectual heirs. In fact, some of you may be his actual heirs; we’re still testing the DNA.

So thank you for this honor and congratulations to the class of 2013. Wahoowa.

Stephen Colbert: 'So, say yes. In fact, say yes as often as you can', Knox College - 2006

3 June 2006, Knox University, USA

[Pours water into a glass at the podium, splashes face and back of neck]

Thank you. Thank you very much. First of all, I'm facing a little bit of a conundrum here. My name is Stephen Colbert, but I actually play someone on television named Stephen Colbert, who looks like me, and who talks like me, but who says things with a straight face he doesn't mean. And I'm not sure which one of us you invited to speak here today. So, with your indulgence, I'm just going to talk and I'm going to let you figure it out.

I wanted to say something about the Umberto Eco quote that was used earlier from The Name of the Rose. That book fascinated me because in it these people are killed for trying to get out of this library a book about comedy, Aristotle's Commentary on Comedy. And what's interesting to me is one of the arguments they have in the book is that comedy is bad because nowhere in the New Testament does it say that Jesus laughed. It says Jesus wept, but never did he laugh.

But, I don't think you actually have to say it for us to imagine Jesus laughing. In the famous episode where there's a storm on the lake, and the fishermen are out there. And they see Jesus on the shore, and Jesus walks across the stormy waters to the boat. And St. Peter thinks, "I can do this. I can do this. He keeps telling us to have faith and we can do anything. I can do this." So he steps out of the boat and he walks for—I don't know, it doesn't say—a few feet, without sinking into the waves. But then he looks down, and he sees how stormy the seas are. He loses his faith and he begins to sink. And Jesus hot-foots it over and pulls him from the waves and says, "Oh you of little faith." I can't imagine Jesus wasn't suppressing a laugh. How hilarious must it have been to watch Peter—like Wile E. Coyote—take three steps on the water and then sink into the waves.
 
Well it's an honor to be giving your Commencement address here today at Knox College. I want to thank Mr. Podesta for asking me two, two and a half years ago, was it? Something like that? We were in Aspen. You know—being people who go to Aspen. He asked me if I would give a speech at Knox College, and I think it was the altitude, but I said yes. I'm very glad that I did.

On a beautiful day like this I'm reminded of my own graduation 20 years ago, atNorthwestern University. I didn't start there, I finished there. On the graduation day, a beautiful day like this. We're all in our gowns. I go up on the podium to get my leather folder with my diploma in it. And as I get it from the Dean, she leans in close to me and she smiles, and she says—[train whistle] that's my ride, actually. I have got to get on that train, I'm sorry. [Heads off stage.] Evidently that happens a lot here.—So, I'm getting my folder, and the Dean leans into me, shakes my hand and says, "I'm sorry."  I have no idea what she means. So I go back to my seat and I open it up. And, instead of having a diploma inside, there's a scrap—a torn scrap of paper—that has scrawled on it, "See me." I kid you not.

Evidently I had an incomplete in an independent study that I had failed to complete. And I did not have enough credits. And, let me tell you, when your whole family shows up and you get to have your picture taken with them—and instead of holding up your diploma, you hold the torn corner of a yellow legal pad—that is a humbling experience. But eventually, I finished. I got my credits and next year at Christmas time, they have mid-year graduation. And I went there to get my diploma then. They said that I had an overdue library fine and they wouldn't give it to me again. And they eventually mailed it to me...I think. I'm pretty sure I graduated from college.

But I guess the question is, why have a two-time commencement loser like me speak to you today?  Well, one of the reasons they already mentioned—I recovered from that slow start. And I was recently named by Time magazine one of the 100 Most Influential People in the World! Yeah! Give it up for me! Basic cable—THE WORLD! I guess I have more fans in Sub-Saharan Africa than I thought. I'm right here on the cover between Katie Couric and Bono. That's my little picture—a sexy little sandwich between those two.

But if you do the math, there are 100 Most Influential People in the World. There are 6.5 billion people in the world. That means that today I am here representing 65 million people. That's as big as some countries. What country has about 65 million people? Iran? Iran has 65 million people. So, for all intents and purposes, I'm here representing Iran today. Don't shoot.

But the best reason for me to come to speak at Knox College is that I attended Knox College. This is part of my personal history that you will rarely see reported. Partly because the press doesn't do the proper research. But mostly because—it is not true! I just made it up, so this moment would be more poignant for all of us. How great would it be if I could actually come back here—if I was coming back to my alma mater to be honored like this. I could share with you all my happy memories that I spent here in...Galesburg, Illinois. Hanging out at the Seymour Hall, right? Seymour Hall? You know, all of us alumni, we remember being at Seymour Hall, playing those drinking games. We played a drinking game called Lincoln-Douglas. Great game. What you do is, you act out the Lincoln-Douglas debate and any time one of the guys mentions the Dred Scott decision you have to chug a beer. Well, technically 3/5 of a beer. [groans from audience]

You DO have a good education! I wasn't sure if anybody was going to get that joke.

I soon learned that a frat house—oops—divided against itself cannot stand.

How can I forget cheering on the team—the Knox College Knockers? The Prairie Fire. Seriously, the Prairie Fire. Your team is named after something that can get you federal disaster relief. I assume the "Flash Floods" was taken.

Oh, yes, the memories are so fresh. It was as if it was just yesterday I made them up. And the history, you don't have to tell me the history of Knox College. No, your Web site is very thorough. The college itself has long been known for its diversity. I am myself a supporter of diversity. I myself have an interracial marriage. I am Irish and my wife is Scottish. But we work it out. And it is fitting, most fitting, that I should speak at Knox College today because it was founded by abolitionists. And I gotta say—I'm going to go out on the limb here—I believe slavery was wrong. No, I don't care who that upsets. I just hope the mainstream media give me the credit for the courage it took to say that today. I know the blogosphere is just going to explode tomorrow. But enough about me—if there can be enough about me.

Today is about you—you who have worked so hard to pack your heads with learning until your skulls are all plump like—sausage of knowledge. It's an apt metaphor, don't question it. But now your time at college is at an end. Now you are leaving here. And this leads me to a question that just isn't asked enough at commencements. Why are you leaving here?

This seems like a very nice place. They have a lovely Web site. Besides, have you seen the world outside lately? They are playing for KEEPS out there, folks. My God, I couldn't wait to get here today just so I could take a breather from the real world. I don't know if they told you what's happened while you've matriculated here for the past four years. The world is waiting for you people with a club. Unprecedented changes happening in the last four years. Like globalization. We now live in a hyperconnected, global economic, outsourced society. Now there are positives and minuses here. And a positive is that globalization helps us understand and learn from otherwise foreign cultures. For example, I now know how to ask for a Happy Meal in five different languages. In Paris, I'd like a "Repas Heureux" In Madrid a "Comida Feliz" In Calcutta, a "Kushkana, hold the beef."  In Tokyo, a "Happi- Shokuji " And in Berlin, I can order what is perhaps the least happy-sounding Happy Meal, a "Glückselig Mahlzeit."

Also globalization, e-mail, cell phones interconnect our nations like never before. It is possible for even the most insulated American to have friends from all over the world. For instance, I recently received an e-mail asking me to help a deposed Nigerian prince who is looking for a business partner to recuperate his fortune. Thanks to the flexibility of global banking, a Swiss bank account is ready and waiting for my share of his money. I know, because I just e-mailed him my Social Security number.

Unfortunately for you job seekers, corporations searching for a better bottom line have moved many of their operations overseas, whether it's a customer service operator, a power factory foreman, or an American flag manufacturer. They're just as likely to be found in Shanghai as Omaha. In fact, outsourcing is so easy that I had this speech today written by a young man named Panjeeb from Bangalore.

If you don't like the jokes, I assure you they were much funnier in Urdu...

And when you enter the workforce, you will find competition from those crossing our all-too-porous borders. Now I know you're all going to say, "Stephen, Stephen, immigrants built America." Yes, but here's the thing—it's built now. I think it was finished in the mid-70s sometime. At this point it's a touch-up and repair job. But thankfully Congress is acting and soon English will be the official language of America. Because if we surrender the national anthem to Spanish, the next thing you know, they'll be translating the Bible. God wrote it in English for a reason! So it could be taught in our public schools.

So we must build walls. A wall obviously across the entire southern border. That's the answer. That may not be enough—maybe a moat in front of it, or a fire-pit. Maybe a flaming moat, filled with fire-proof crocodiles. And we should probably wall off the northern border as well. Keep those Canadians with their socialized medicine and their skunky beer out. And because immigrants can swim, we'll probably want to wall off the coasts as well. And while we're at it, we need to put up a dome, in case they have catapults. And we'll punch some holes in it so we can breathe. Breathe free. It's time for illegal immigrants to go—right after they finish building those walls. Yes, yes, I agree with me.

There are so many challenges facing this next generation, and as they said earlier, you are up for these challenges. And I agree, except that I don't think you are. I don't know if you're tough enough to handle this. You are the most cuddled generation in history. I belong to the last generation that did not have to be in a car seat. You had to be in car seats. I did not have to wear a helmet when I rode my bike. You do. You have to wear helmets when you go swimming, right? In case you bump your head against the side of the pool. Oh, by the way, I should have said, my speech today may contain some peanut products.

My mother had 11 children: Jimmy, Eddie, Mary, Billy, Morgan, Tommy, Jay, Lou, Paul, Peter, Stephen. You may applaud my mother's womb. Thank you, I'll let her know. She could never protect us the way you all have been protected. She couldn't fit 11 car seats. She would just open the back of her Town & Country—stack us like cord wood: four this way, four that way. And she put crushed glass in the empty spaces to keep it steady. Then she would roll up all the windows in the winter time and light up a cigarette. When I die I will not need to be embalmed, because as a child my mother hickory-smoked me.

I mean even these ceremonies are too safe. I mean this mortarboard...look, it's padded. It's padded everywhere. When I graduated from college, we had the edges sharpened. When we threw ours up in the air, we knew some of us weren't coming home.

But you have one thing that may save you, and that is your youth. This is your great strength. It is also why I hate and fear you. Hear me out. It has been said that children are our future. But does that not also mean that we are their past? You are here to replace us. I don't understand why we're here helping and honoring them. You do not see union workers holding benefits for robots.

But you seem nice enough, so I'll try to give you some advice. First of all, when you go to apply for your first job, don't wear these robes. Medieval garb does not instill confidence in future employers—unless you're applying to be a scrivener. And if someone does offer you a job, say yes. You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

So, say "yes." In fact, say "yes" as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, "yes-and." In this case, "yes-and" is a verb. To "yes-and." I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what's going to happen, maybe with someone you've never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you're doctors—you're doctors. And then, you add to that: We're doctors and we're trapped in an ice cave. That's the "-and." And then hopefully they "yes-and" you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other's lead, neither of you are really in control. It's more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.

Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say "yes." And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say "yes" back.

Now will saying "yes" get you in trouble at times? Will saying "yes" lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes."

And that's The Word.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

Congratulations to the class of 2006. Thank you for the honor of addressing you.

Stephen Colbert: 'Like improv, you cannot win your life', Northwestern University - 2011

17 June, 2011, Northwestern University, Chicago, Illinois, USA

Good morning. Thank you President Schapiro, and my thanks Chairman of the Board of Trustees William Osborn and Provost Dan Linzer-

And thank you, parents! (claps) of course, if you don't thank them now, you'll have plenty of time to thank them tomorrow when you move back in with them. 

And since it's father's day weekend, let's show some special love to all the dads out there. (claps) Do something nice for dad today-  like before you introduce your boyfriend, ask him to remove his tongue ring.

And thank you to the class of 2011. (clap)

You are what some have called "the greatest generation". Not many - but some - so far just me. And I'm counting on you to not make me look like an idiot for saying that. So be great -no pressure.

I am humbled to be standing here with today's other honorary degree recipients.  William Schabas, human rights champion.  Who is here to invistigate Northwestern for cruelly allowing you to graduate into this job market. Doctor Barbara Liskov - the first woman to earn a PHD in computer science - I don't know how she could concentrate surrounded by all those notoriously sexy male programmers – and opera legend Jessye Norman, though that's actually kind of a disappointment- I normally start the speeches by singing Schubert's Ave Maria, but I don’t want to steal anybody's thunder. So I'm not going to do it today.

Now, as you have explained to your grandparents, my name is Stephen Colbert, but I also play a character on TV who is named Stephen Colbert. And I don't always know which of us has been invited someplace. Well, today, I'm fairly confident that I'm me.  Because I went to Northwestern and my character went to Dartmouth. So he was there for graduation last weekend and heard Conan. It was a great speech. But he was hoping for Leno.

I am honored to be your commencement speaker on this, the 25th anniversary of my graduating class.  Any fellow class of 86ers here today? Remember, later we're all gonna get together, put on some leg warmers, crank up our Sony Walkmen, and Wang Chung to Mr. Mister until the flock of seagulls come home.

But as honored as I am to be here, I am also a bit surprised to be your graduation speaker, considering that 25 years ago today, I did not actually graduate. I thought I was graduating-- my family was here, I was wearing this ridiculous medieval garb. But when I went up to get my diploma, and the dean, Cathy Martin, handed me the folder, she leaned in and said, "I’msorry." Now, I didn't know what this meant, but it didn't sound good. I was hoping it was was some new form of Latin honorific-- like summa cum laude-  "I'm sorry"-cum-laude.  But when I got back to my seat and opened the handsome pleather folder, instead of containing an embossed diploma, there was instead a piece of paper torn from a legal pad that said, "see me, Dean Cathy Martin."  Evidently I had an incomplete of which I was not aware. So, in my graduation photos with my family, I am sheepishly holding a scrap of yellow paper. The first member of my family to earn a scrap of yellow paper- the rest of them got diplomas. So, remember - just by graduating on your graduation day, you are starting your career way ahead of me. Be proud.

Because Northwestern is a school to be proud of.   In academics, athletics, science, and public service, it represents humanity at its best, and on Dillo Day, it represents humanity at its worst. For parents, Dillo day is a festival that started in 1972 to honor the armadillo...that is the best explanation I can offer. Today armadillos are honored by drinking 4loko out of a super soaker while dancing to the New Pornographers in a drunken mosh pit filled mostly with national merit finalists.

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated bestselling authors, Olympians, Presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

I loved my time here - I was a transfer student from a small, all male college in Virginia, where I had been a philosophy major, but I decided to switch to something with stronger job prospects —  theatre major.

Which reminds me I forgot to warm up. [recites "admist the mists and coldest frosts with barest wrists and stoutest boasts he thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts."]

I not only loved studying theatre, I loved being a theatre major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black "at" people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be hamlet.

Northwestern's academic resources are unparalleled. The library contains 5 million books,  and 100,000 periodicals, none of which anyone reads because they're not on an iPad. Next year, I believe Deering library is being coverted into a chipotle.

Here's an interesting fact - a recent poll among private universities found that students at Northwestern have the lowest desire to have sex. I think that is possibly because this year, Northwestern offered some truly advanced instruction in human sexuality. I saw some photos of the lab equipment, and I'm thinking it may have scared you people off of sex forever.  It might actually have been a stealth abstinence program, or viral ad for true value hardware.  Graduates, good luck explaining what I'm talking about to your grandmother at brunch.

Still, that low sex drive is surprising, given that Evanston is riddled with brothels — oh yeah, they are out there — but thankfully this town is finally enforcing a century old city ordinance that prohibits more than three unrelated individuals from living together, lest they reach critical mass, and spontaneously prostitute themselves. I'm all for this law.  Can't be too careful. In this economy, running a brothel may be the most reliable work out there. And before everybody jumps on me, I am not saying that everybody at Northwestern will become prostitutes. Obviously the Kellogg graduates will become pimps. Expecting big things from you folks.

So you have a great town, a great school, a great life here. Maybe too great. Because I see evidence that since I left, Northwestern has gone soft. And don't go, ‘oh what's he talking about?’ you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about: the snow day. You were hoping I hadn’t heard about that. On Wednesday, February 2nd,  2011, Northwestern was closed because of snow. 'Oh no!  What's that white stuff coming from the sky...in Chicago...in February!’ I'm sorry, that is weak.  Let me ask the alumni here: you ever have classes called because it was a little brisk outside? No! Cuz we were wildcats when wildcats were wildcats! For Pete's sake it's called Northwestern because when it was founded this was the Northwest Territories! Its first graduating class was offered double major in fur trapping and frost bite. And my first winter here, true story, I endured what is still the coldest day in Chicago history - January 20th, 1985.   Negative 27 degrees, negative 83 with the windchill, you weren't careful, your genitals could snap off like a Graham cracker. Did NU close? No! We went to class! Well, not me, I was a theatre major, and didn’t go to class that often. But I was supposed to! Have I mentioned that I finished college with an incomplete? 

And we didn't have cell phones.  If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

And we couldn't text. And we certainly couldn't ‘sext’ each other. If you wanted to send someone a picture of your private parts, you had to fax it. That's how Kinkos got its name. You had to fill out a cover letter — it was embarrasing.

But the clearest example of how this once great institution has failed you students? In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, Secretary of State, fourth in line to the president. You get me — basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar board that has been trained to say ‘congratulations.’

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But I'm not here to talk about me - I am here to inspire you by talking about me.

Fair warning: we are now entering the meaningful part of the speech: those of you who already have enough meaning in their lives can go do something else —maybe try to remember where you parked the rental car.

This spring, I participated in a sailing race from South Carolina half way across the Atlantic to Bermuda.  In many ways it was a beautiful journey, stars wheeling over head, whales breaching to starboard, which I think is over here. And in many other ways it was horrible. We were filthy and tired — for seven days none of us slept for more than three hours at a time. Which is how Stalin broke his enemies. And how infants break their parents.

We eventually made it to Bermuda,  and after a few days there, I came back home by plane. And looking out the window,  it felt completely artificial to fly over that same thousand miles of water that we just fought our way across inch by inch. The ease of coming back somehow made it that much harder to explain to friends what was it was like out there — what was lost and what was gained on that sublime and terrible trip. And in some ways, it feels just as artificial to fly back to this place after 25 years to try to tell you how to navigate the waters ahead.

Though it's tempting to think that I can.

Because like many people my age, I have fantasized about travelling back in time and giving advice to my younger self.  To stop young Stephen on a street corner, and say, ‘Break up with her, you idiot. Haven't you noticed that she's nicer to the dog?!’  or, "Buy real estate,’ or, ‘for god's sake, don't buy real estate!’

Or ‘under no circumstances should you wear white jeans. Even on a cruise. Also, don't go on a cruise.’

Or ‘wear sunscreen — having a tan looks nice now, but in twenty years, your face will look like a catcher's mitt.’

But I doubt my younger self would even listen to me. I'm sure he'd say ‘there's no way you could be me.  I have a chin.’ Plus, young me would never respect old me.  He's in the theatre.  I work in ‘TV’.  I'm a total sell-out.

So to recap: I'm going to try to give you, who for all intents and purposes are me 25 years ago, some advice that I probably won't get right, and you probably won't listen to. Ready?

Let's do this thing!

Ok: you have been told to follow your dreams.  But — what if it's a stupid dream? For instance Stephen Colbert of 25 years ago lived at 2015 North Ridge — with two men and three women — in what i now know was a brothel.  He dreamed of living alone. Well, alone with his beard — in a large,  barren loft apartment — lots of blond wood —wearing a kimono, with a futon on the floor, and a samovar of tea constantly bubbling in the background, doing Shakespeare in the street for the homeless. Today, I am a beardless, suburban dad who lives in a house, wears no-iron khakis, and makes Anthony Wiener jokes for a living. And I love it. Because thankfully dreams can change.  If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. 

So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed, and you're not some loser. But just as importantly — and this is the part I may not get right and you may not listen to — if you do get your dream, you are not a winner.

After I graduated from here, I moved down to Chicago and did improv. Now there are very few rules to improvisation, but one of the things I was taught early on is that you are not the most important person in the scene. Everybody else is. And if they are the most important people in the scene, you will naturally pay attention to them and serve them. But the good news is you're in the scene too. So hopefully to them you're the most important person, and they will serve you. No one is leading, you're all following the follower, serving the servant. You cannot win improv.

And life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

And like improv, you cannot win your life.

Even when it might look like you're winning.  I have my own show, which I love doing. Full of very talented people ready to serve me. And it's great. But at my best, I am serving them just as hard, and together, we serve a common idea, in this case the character Stephen Colbert, who it's clear, isn't interested in serving anyone. And a sure sign that things are going well is when no one can really remember whose idea was whose, or who should get credit for what jokes.

Though naturally I take credit for all of them. 

But if we should serve others, and together serve some common goal or idea — for any one you, what is that idea? And who are those people?

In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love, because, as the prophet says, service is love made visible.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends.

If you love community, you will serve your community.

If you love money, you will serve your money.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

So no more winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others, and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

In closing, I'd like to apologize for being predictable. The New York Times has analyzed the hundreds of commencement speeches given so far in 2011, and found that ‘love,’ and ‘service’ were two of the most used words.

I can only hope that because of my speech today, the word ‘brothel’ comes in a close third.

Thank you for the honor of addressing you, and congratulations to the class of 2011.