Hasan Minhaj: 'Fight Through the Pick', Davis Senior High - 2015

June 2015, Davis Senior High School, Davis, California, USA

Daily Show correspondent & comedian Hasan Minhaj graduated from Davis in 2003.

I graduated from Davis Senior High School a little over 10 years ago and my senior year of high school, my biggest dream was to play on the varsity basketball team. I mean, I just loved it. I loved the sweatshirts, I loved the shooting shirts, the shoes, the tearaway pants, I wanted to be a part of it so bad, even if I sat the bench I just wanted tearaway pants that I knew I would never actually tear away. I wanted it so bad! In my senior year, I definitely thought it could happen. I hadn’t seen myself in the mirror; I was 5”9, 115 pounds of just raw Indian muscle ladies, just raw.

I remember my favorite basketball player growing up was this guy named Penny Hardaway. I mean he had the speed, he had the flash, he had the hops, and he had the most amazing shoes: the Nike air pennies. And I was like, those shoes are gonna make me make get on the team! So I went up to my mom and I said mom can I get the pennies? And she’s like, “do they sell them at Ross?” And I say “no….” And she says “Okay well we have a dress for less budget so if they don’t sell them at Ross, that’s on you. And I ended up getting a job over at Office Max in South Davis, and the hardest part of the job is that you have to sell printers for people who don’t know any better. So people will come in and they’d be like “I’m looking for a printer!” And I say “that’s great, well the Epson 3640 is available right now for $129.99” and they’re like “Oh that’s very affordable! How much...are ink cartridges?” And I’m like “yeah, they’re about $8972 for the rest of the year.” So I sold printers for a bit and I eventually saved up enough money to get the pennies. And I remember I took them home and I opened them up and I pulled them out and you could just like smell the leather and you’re walking around in them like you’re constipated, but you don’t want to crease the shoes so I was like walking like this, Imma make the team in these shoes.

Soon enough, the first day of tryouts roll around in my senior year, and as soon as I get to the court, I’m like these are wayyy too fresh to wear to tryouts so I run back to my locker and I put my pennies away and I put on my old shoes. And I started my first day of tryouts, and Mr. G, the head basketball coach, had this drill, and it was called fight through the pick, and basically he would take the biggest guy, and you would have to just fight through him, you would have to just get around him. And there was this kid named Tommy Wilson, that’s not his real name, I’m not petty, but his name was Tommy Wilson. And I mean he was huge, he had like thighs like this [gesture], he had like, muscles connected from his ears to like here [point ear to shoulder], and Mr. G would blow the whistle and he would be like FIGHT THROUGH THE PICK! And I would just run, my Indian arms would be flailing and Mr. G’s like what are you DOING Hasan, fight through the pick, fight through the pick like you’re trying to get into UC Berkeley! I’m like, I get that analogy! And I ran as hard as I could, and I hit Tommy like BOOM like a forcefield; I bounced right off of him and I hit the deck HARD, right. But I gave it my all, I gave it my all, and I remember at that first day of tryouts I was drenched in sweat. I looked like an immigrant family at waterworld, just soaked, top to bottom, just like “EFFORT! I DID IT!”

Now we’re all waiting in the parking lot, we’re waiting for our parents to pick us up. And all the guys trying out were huddled around each other and then all of the sudden, Tommy Wilson sees me and I’m wearing the pennies. And he goes “Hey dude! Where’d you get those pennies?” And I’m like ‘Aw man, Tommy Wilson’s talking to me!’ And I tell him “Hey dude, I got them from Nike outlet! they’re on sale right now Tommy!” And he goes “Naw dude, you got them from the urinals dog.” See, during tryouts, he went into the locker room and he pulled out my pennies and he put them in the urinal, and he peed in them and he put them back in my locker. And I look down at my shoes and I realize, my shoes are not sopping wet from sweat, no they’re sopping wet from Tommy Wilson’s pee. And then my dad’s 91 Nissan Stanza pulls up to the front of the group and I sloshed my way over and got into the car, and we just drove home in silence, like we normally did, but this time it was because I had pee in my shoes. We get home, the garage door opens up, dad goes into the house, and I pull off my pennies and I put them straight into the dumpster. And, I never wore Air Pennies ever again. And then, it was the infamous day where they post the results of tryouts. I made sure I got up early, I woke up at like 7, 7:15 I got to class because I knew he was going to post the results. I mean, I wanted to be alone, that way if anything happened, that way no one could see me. And around 7:20, the blinds just sort shift to the side, and then those hands go up and they posted the results, and my name wasn’t on the list. I walked home, and I ran upstairs and I closed the door. It kind of set in at that moment that the dream was over.

That day taught me something. Getting cut from the basketball team was the best thing to ever happen to me in my life because I learned that you can’t fall off the floor. And even when you do fall on the floor, it’s not even that bad. The bell rings, life moves on, I went to Chipotle the next day for lunch, like that was it. They’re like you want some guac on your burrito, I’m like yeah I deserve some guac, a dollar 95; I got that guac money right now. The following year I went to college, and I thought to myself, I want to do something where I slowly lose my dignity night in and night out just like basketball, so I decided to do stand up comedy. I did it every night, and I got my shoes peed on proverbially, night in and night out. I was not very good but I stuck with it. And on October 9th, 2014, my life changed forever. I was the last correspondant to be hired by Jon Stewart to be on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I had been doing stand up for 10 years, one month, and nine days. I was not the funniest, I was not the brightest, I was not the tallest and I’m not the best looking, all those things I’m not. But I never stopped fighting through the pick.

I do this for you guys. I do this for the 99 percent. For those of you guys that are going to Stanford and Harvard, yknow, enjoy investment banking and ruining the economy, you’re going to have a great life. Private jets are great, shout out to your health insurance, you’re going to have a great life. For the rest of us, I do this for you guys. I really do, because your parents, teachers and counselors are going to tell you that it gets better. And I’m here to tell you, it always doesn’t. It doesn’t, the world does not care about your dreams, they do not care one bit. But, I will say this, you gotta keep trying, it’s worth it. And if you give yourself an opportunity to try and survive failure, you will eventually find what you were meant to do. I’m telling you right now from my own personal experience, never stop fighting through the pick. If you can’t get in through the front door, go in through the side. If you can’t get in the side door, go in through the backyard, and if you can’t get in through the backyard, go in through the window. No matter what, never stop wearing your Air Pennies, and never stop fighting through the pick. I promise you, I promise you, you’ll eventually find where you are supposed to be. Now, I know there’s a lot of parents looking at me right now, like this guy is crazy, he’s only 29 years old, why is he pontificating about life? I 100% agree with you, but here’s what I do definitely know. I do know that the Epson 3640 is available right now for $129.99 at OfficeMax. My name is Hasan Minhaj, and thank you so much.

http://speakola.com/ideas/martin-flanagan-welcome-new-legal-year-2017

Jon Stewart: 'You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people', College of William and Mary - 2004

21 May, 2004, College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, USA

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.

My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.

I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but this is -- thank you. Thank you. There’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.

I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.

I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I'm honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. No, that’s very nice of you, I appreciate it. Thank you.

I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates -- who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless -- will join in congratulating me. Thank you.

But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors -- they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people.

Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I -- I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and -- and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it. Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this -- and I believe you can -- you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.

We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror  -- it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.

But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?

I know some of you are nostalgic today, filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work. Thank you for the reference.

So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.

In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.

In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.

And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of anonymous Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.

So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be President. You’ve got to really work hard to try to...I was actually referring to my father.

When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this: College is something you complete; life is something you experience.

So don’t worry about your grade or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong. Love what you do. (Although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.)

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.

And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”

And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, "You know what, we’re gonna be OK."

Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night. Thank you.