31 May 2018, Melbourne, Australia
Thank you all for coming. It means the world to us to have our family and friends here, to share this special occasion with us – or, how do you say, this simcha. I hope you are enjoying yourselves.
For some of you it’s your first bar mitzvah I believe, so I should explain that it is common to have flowers, music and catering at a bar mitzvah. It is less common to build an entire house for the event.
I do hope Carter appreciates it.
I’m not sure that Carter does appreciate it, and I’m not sure I really blame him for that.
Because for 6 months or so he has had to learn his parashah, he has had to learn so that he could stand up in shule this morning and sing it for you, in Hebrew, followed by a function with a lot of adults and not many kids.
And to make matters worse you have made very generous donations to the Royal Children’s Hospital, rather than to Rebel Sports or Xbox Fortnite or other things that some 13 year olds might prefer.
At this rate, Carter is probably preferring his bris. At least at his bris he got to drink wine and lounge around without his pants on. (Or was that me?)
But Carter is not like that. He has never been like that that.
Carter is the contented kid, with the calm demeanour, who is comfortable in his own skin.
He’s the warm and good natured kid, who makes friends easily and keeps them, just by being himself.
He is the quiet and empathetic kid, who is always more interested in what others have to say, and how others feel.
He’s the old fashioned kid, who tucks his footy jumper into his shorts, he plays hard and he would never ever backchat an umpire or opponent.
To look at Carter and his movie star eyebrows (according to his Mum) it might seem that he had it easy from the start. But that’s not the case, and Caroline and I are to blame for that…
At birth, we saddled him with a borderline boganic name.
We sandwiched him in between 2 beautiful sisters who would rather dance and sing than kick a torp or do something that a brother might find useful.
And Mum and I were both late developers, so, Carter, you may not hit puberty until university, but that’s OK.
None of this has held him back. He is, in sporting parlance, “very coachable”. When Carter encounters a problem he will think hard about how to overcome it and he will work at it until he achieves just that.
I used to thump him in table tennis. I took inordinate pride in it. He was a shocking sport about it. We hadn’t played for 6 months or so when he asked me to play again and I knew from the very first shot that it was on. The ball flew past my bat and he had that spring in his step. He beat me in straight sets. I asked him what the hell just happened. It turns out he had spent the last 6 months at the Marabels’ house – the Marabels’ house is a purpose-built facility in East Hawthorn where they make big, strong, athletic Jewish kids – and they had taken it upon themselves to train him up, Rocky style, set to music I imagine, until he had perfected table tennis. I know I will never beat him again. (And so we will never play again.)
Carter has never liked change very much. He was the baby who went to sleep school and refused to succumb to the nurses’ “foolproof” method for patting babies to sleep.
He was the kid at crèche who had to be prized away from Mum kicking and screaming each morning, breaking her heart in the process every day.
He was the kid at kindergarten who wore a Superman outfit for 6 months straight – at the time we worried that he would still be wearing it for his bar mitzvah.
And he is still the kid who would always rather stay at home, in his tiger onesie with the hole in the back, and hang out with his sisters Amelie and Daisy, whom he adores and who adore him even if they cleverly disguise it most of the time.
So it was a surprise to Caroline and I, to say the least, when Carter announced last year that he wanted to change schools for his secondary schooling. He was very happy at school and has many dear friends there but I think he identified that he needed a change and a challenge, and so that’s what he did. He really hasn’t skipped a beat this year.
We so proud of you Carter - and so proud of your sisters, Amelie and Daisy.
When the kids were born, and I distinctly remember this, Caroline and I said that the kids would be half Jewish and half Christian.
I’m still waiting for the Christian half of the deal to kick in…
This is entirely my fault. Having avoided conversion when Caroline and I become engaged and then married, my world has since become steeped in Jewish people, institutions and customs.
I consider it a privilege to be an active participant in the Jewish community, through the large and vibrant Cohen family, through our dear friends, and through St Kilda shule and Ajax footy club.
But that is not to say that it is my community or that it will ever be my community.
And for that, Carter, I envy you, with your access all areas pass, for all time.
Whenever I sat and listened to you practise for your bar mitzvah with Brett Kaye, the Chazzan, and whenever I have heard you sing in shule and receive a blessing, I have been struck by how in those moments you could trace your experience back in time, through centuries and even millennia – and how you have an unbroken lineage and connection with all those who have come before you, and all those who will come after you, in the Cohen family and in the wider Jewish community in Melbourne and across the world.
Treasure that connection. Be proud of it. Never take it for granted. And on this your bar mitzvah, celebrate it.
And then enjoy Easter and Christmas, with the rest of your family. (And you can choose what’s better!)
And one day I will take you to church and you can see for yourself how quiet and well behaved people can be during a religious service. You will be amazed.
Of course, Mum will worry that I am becoming all born-again Baptist, and that you might too, and we will wind her up about that, which is one of our favourite things to do.
Carter, as you become bar mitzvah I feel I should impart some words of advice to you. So here goes …
First, learn everything you can from the elders in your life – especially your 4 grandparents who all love you so much and have so much to offer you from their broad experiences and their different perspectives on life. Speak with them often about what is going on in your life and what is going on in theirs.
Second, challenge yourself. Operate outside your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to take a risk and try something new. You may find something you are passionate about and you may learn something new about yourself.
Third, and related to the second, don’t be too hard on yourself. It is the thing that drives you, but keep it in check. It’s good to do your best and succeed, but it’s also OK not to succeed - no-one who really matters will think any less of you for it.
Finally, get off devices. Not totally, but mostly. Whenever you can, choose a book, a ball, a conversation. You will feel more fulfilled if you do.
Carter, the truth is that you really don’t need much advice from me– you’ve got it pretty much worked out, and what you haven’t, you’re smart enough to work out for yourself.
We are so proud of you. Mazel tov