28 April, 2013, Washington DC, USA
Thank you. Thank you! Thank you. Please remain seated. That's not necessary. Thank you very much. Please, Mr. President. Don't stand. That wouldn't be right.
(LAUGHTER)
Good evening. Thank you. Mr. President, Mrs. Obama, distinguished members of the press and Bon Jovi.
(CHEERS)
Yes. It's an honor to share this stage with the president. When you think about it, the president and I are a lot alike. We both went to Harvard. We both have two children. And we both told Joe Biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event.
We also have something else in common like the president I too recently got in some hot water by talking about a public official's good looks. It was the time I wouldn't shut up about that stone cold FOX, secretary of transportation Ray LaHood. Oh, man, I like the cut of his jib.
But President Obama, first of all, he had some great jokes. It was a pleasure watching you can stand up here and do what I do. So now it's only fair they get to do what you do.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes I'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff with Congress. This is going to be fun.
Now, right away I'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. Congratulations. As you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. Since he was first elected the number of Popes has doubled.
(LAUGHTER)
And the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. Congratulations!
(APPLAUSE)
And while I'm at it I'd like to congratulate president George W. Bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. Yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. And if you go you can be the first to read them.
(LAUGHTER)
You can't hurt me.
(LAUGHTER)
Now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. Right here at the start I'm going to sharing is with you people. And this doesn't leave this room. I say this with absolute confidence because we are on C-SPAN. Who doesn't love C-SPAN? Seriously. C-SPAN. It's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford explorer
(LAUGHTER)
Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HGTVQ, TV South America and the Hilton hotel how to check out channel.
(LAUGHTER)
That's right, the Hilton. It's great to be here at the Hilton. Is it just me or is it time to stop using price line to book this event? No, I love the Hilton. I really love the Hilton's motto. "sorry the Radisson was booked."
You know, I was worried that because of this sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the D.C. Hilton. Then I was told that's not possible.
(LAUGHTER)
But I do want to thank the Hilton for accommodating us. They were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar.
(LAUGHTER)
By the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. And if Joe Biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either.
(LAUGHTER)
Quick announcement before we really get going before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event please use the #incapableoflivinginthemoment.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: Yes. Yes. Yes.
(APPLAUSE)
Yes. Also to any U.S. senators here tonight, if you'd like to switch either your desserts or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. By the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's on trace were halibut and filet mignon. Or as CNN's John King reported it, lasagna and cous cous. There's a gavel here and I don't know why.
Here's a fun fact about tonight's food. Everything you ate this evening was personally shot by Wayne Lapierre. Don't worry. It was during a home invasion, though. The fish came in through the window.
(LAUGHTER)
That wasn't peppercorn, that was Bush shot, ladies and gentlemen. Incidentally you may not know this but Wayne Lapierre is the executive vice president of the NRA. Which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the NRA?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
He's not even at the top!
Also I'd like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating charts. For a moment someone accidentally sat Governor Chris Christie with the Republicans. That was awkward and I apologize. Very awkward.
But speaking of tables, before dinner I had a chance to mingle. You probably saw me. I worked the crowd. I shook some hands. And sold my Twitter account to Al Jazeera for $500 million. They will buy anything.
(LAUGHTER)
O'BRIEN: But it is an absolute joy to be here at the White House Correspondents' dinner. Last year Tom Brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. When I told Tom I would be attending this year he said "that's more like it."
(LAUGHTER)
That shouldn't be funny to you.
But this is really a star-studded event. This year you've taken us to new heights. I have to congratulate you. New heights. Because you've got some of the guys from duck dynasty here. Duck dynasty. Yes. The guys from duck dynasty are here which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no.
No, I love duck dynasty. Don't get me wrong. But guys I really don't think your stripe fan whistle is going to -- oh, my God he's here. That's incredible! I always hated that one.
Hey, now as some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. I was last here 18 years ago back in 1995. A lot's changed since then. Today, you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Back in '95 we called that George Stephanopoulos.
(LAUGHTER)
I can't see if George is here because there's a crouton in the way.
It's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. Think about it. If in 1995 you'd told me that in 2013 we'd have an African-American president with a middle name Hussein who was just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, I would have said, oh, he must have run against Mitt Romney.
(LAUGHTER)
By the way, no offense, Mr. President. I do congratulate you on your victory. But as a late night comedian I was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the Olympics.
(LAUGHTER)
The demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and I look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. Then my opening line will be (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Mario Lopez.
But my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. If the president laughs, everyone laughs. And if the FOX News table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike.
(LAUGHTER)
How you doing, bill? Yes, all the Washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalism, I see "the Huffington Post" has a table. Yes. Which has me wondering if you're here, who's covering Miley Cyrus' latest nip slips? Who is assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? Seven mistakes you're making with bacon. That's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourself.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
By the way, just before dinner I tried to say a quick hello to Arianna Huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. Yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but unfortunately Matt Drudge couldn't make it. Yes, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997.
Of course, the Washington print media is joining us this evening. The print media are here for two very good reasons. Food and shelter.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, how are you? You know, some people say print media is dying, but I don't believe it. And neither does my black smith.
(LAUGHTER)
You got to meet Zachariah, he's great. Man, rougher for "Newsweek" which after 80 years published its last print issue. Yes. "Time" magazine might gloating but they really shouldn't because "Time" will outlive "Newsweek" the way Juliet outlived Romeo. Read the play. It's very smart.
(LAUGHTER)
These are so tough for old media that Reuters is having its after party right here at the Hilton. Because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner.
(LAUGHTER)
With that in mind, Reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass.
(LAUGHTER)
And to be fair, print media still has a big star in Bob Woodward, OK? Got to give it up for Bob Woodward. Yes. Yes. Yes. Earlier this evening a waiter asked Mr. Woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me.
(LAUGHTER)
Also tonight, some of the big names in television news, when it comes to television news we have a divided media landscape, OK? FOX News is watched by conservatives. MSC is watched by liberals and CNN is watched by the people who clean the offices at CNN.
(LAUGHTER)
It get's worst. CNN's ratings are so low, now when the logo comes up James Earl Jones says "you're watching CNN?" what the hell?
(LAUGHTER)
I have to say in the past few years, CNN has made some very odd moves. For example, they replaced the popular Larry King with one of the scheming footmen from downtown Abby. Piers rides right into that show. (INAUDIBLE).
Hey, it's great to see my old friend at MSNBC. MSNBC's Chris Matthews is here. Chris Matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens.
By the way, during the Boston coverage on MSNBC last week, Chuck Todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. There's no joke here. I'm just letting the people at CNN know that you can do that.
(LAUGHTER)
This is a learning experience. Hello to FOX News star Bill O'Reilly. Bill has become quite the author. He's had two recent best sellers "Killing Kennedy" and "Killing Lincoln." He also wrote a book that was not nearly as popular "the natural peaceful death of cats." What were you thinking? The truth is, Bill O'Reilly, this is true, is now working on his next book out this fall. This time it's about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time in history Jesus' death is blamed on Obama care.
(LAUGHTER)
Two quick shout outs to PBS and NPR. Now PBS, yes. Those PBS people love to party. Guys if you party tonight be safe. Wear a tote bag.
(LAUGHTER)
It works. You got to love NPR. NPR's still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. NBC news is in the house. Good Lord they've had a rough go of it, huh?" the today show" let go of Ann Curry after being told Ann Curry said let me get this straight. Al Roker (ph) tells the world he crap his pants at the White House and I'm getting fired? Al's the reason there are no more tours at the White House. They're still hosing it down.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Brian Williams is here. Brian I'm a big fan of your show. "Rock Center with Brian Williams." If you haven't seen it, imagine -- this is great. Imagine Brian delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building a little later with a slightly different tie. It's a mind blower. You got to check it out.
But as I look around the room and I see all the media here tonight I realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. That's it is. Think about it. FOX is the jocks. MSNBC is the nerds. Bloggers are the Goths. NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies.
(LAUGHTER)
Al Jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to. And print media, I didn't forget you. You're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. Yes. Cheer up. We dedicate the yearbook to you.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course, probably the biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the Republican failure to recapture the White House. Hard to believe the Republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like Ted Nugent and Meatloaf. I guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans.
But the Republican party is on the mend. One rising star on the right is senator Marco Rubio or as he's known in the Republican party, our black guy.
Yes. By the way, as of today the U.S. Senate has a record number of African-American senators, two. Two. In other words, there are now more African-Americans in the Senate than in a Mumford and sons concert.
Thank you, younger people. Paul Ryan. "I don't understand" what's he babbling about" who's this man? Paul Ryan recently, he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president. After the election Ryan said President Obama was re- elected because of the high turnout of urban voters. Then when he was asked just how he liked his coffee Ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, there's RNC chairman Reince Priebus. You heard me correctly. His name is Rinse Priebus. Tonight, he's sitting right in between his brothers, lather Priebus and repeat Priebus.
(LAUGHTER)
House majority leader Eric Cantor is here. Or as I like to refer to him, yet another Jewish Republican from the south gets old.
That reminds me also joining us is a congressman from New York named Steve Israel. That's right, he's from New York and his name is Israel. Now, there's pandering and then there's pandering.
(LAUGHTER)
That's like having a congressman from South Carolina named Jesus H. Gun.
(LAUGHTER)
My name's Gun. Jesus H. Gun.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes. You've got to use this thing. It's fantastic! I only used it once! I mentioned Republican governor Chris Christie earlier. Chris Christie and Shaquille O'Neal are sitting at the same dinner table. So let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter.
(LAUGHTER)
That poor bastard. He's going to lose an arm.
(LAUGHTER)
I believe we have one or two Supreme Court justices here. The Supreme Court seems divided over same-sex marriage. The liberal justices favor it while the conservatives oppose. Any lifelong sacred union between two men unless of course it's Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
What the hell was that? It is no surprise that speaker John Boehner isn't here tonight. Speaker Boehner and president Obama are still struggling to get along. President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing's ever going to happen.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
O'BRIEN: Speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping of course that nothing happens with North Korea. And that got me wondering, what is with Kim Jong-un? Now, in the past we have had really scary enemies like Saddam Hussein and Hitler. Now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like Rosy O'Donnell at the Emmys.
Kim Jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. What that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down America. It's called Florida. Yes, it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes, President Obama has a lot on his plate right now. He is now at that very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. We all know that as a child he lived in Indonesia. He studied at a Muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog.
(LAUGHTER)
So clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eyes set on the U.S. presidency. Check, check and check.
(LAUGHTER)
Here I come.
(LAUGHTER)
Now I know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. Some in this room have even accused the president of being distant and aloof. When I asked the president about it earlier he said "oh," and then walked away.
(LAUGHTER)
Of course it's only natural but Mr. President, your reelection was a little less exciting the first time around in 2008. On election night in 2008 you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in Chicago's grant park. It was fascinating. This time around you split a charred dog with David Axelrod at the wiener circle. It just didn't have the same buzz.
And by the way, I have a question. And I think some of you also have this question. It's been several months since you were reelected, sir. So I'm curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? You won do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? Did you pull it on Gonzaga?
O'BRIEN: You did, didn't you? He did. President Obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. Sir, you recently appointed John Kerry and Chuck Hagel. Very smart move. You appointed the only two people in the United States who look even more tired than you. It's a great strategy.
Mr. President, you're going to leave office as a very young man. And yet the presidency has taken its toll. I don't want to alarm you, sir, but you're starting to look like a judge on "law and order."
(LAUGHTER)
Just say you're on thin ice, counselor. You could have that part right away. Seriously, Mr. President, your hair is so white it could be a member of your cabinet.
(CROWD BOOS)
He can handle it. Speaking of the cabinet, the president recently picked his new treasury secretary Jack Lew. It gives me great joy to know if the president ever has to let him go he'll get to say "it's not Lew, it's me."
(LAUGHTER)
But the quote I hear the most about the president is that he's always the coolest guy in the room. That's what everyone says, he's the coolest guy in the room. All right, but here's my question. Who else is in that room? It's not hard to be a cool one when the other guys in the room are Biden, Hagel and Kerry. I'd be cool too if I was showing Tom Villsack is showing Steven Shoo how to do the Harlem shake.
Now, I've made some jokes about the president this evening. And I'm looking forward to my audit.
(LAUGHTER)
It's coming. I know, sir, it's coming. But I would like to take a moment here and change gears and say something to the president regarding the events of the past two weeks. Some of you may not know. This I grew up in Boston. My parents still live there. And my brother Luke raised his family in Watertown. And I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, Mr. President, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words.
(APPLAUSE)