17 January 2003, Los Angeles, California, USA
Salma Hayek: There's been a tie. I swear to God. Okay. So this is what they explained to me. Nobody believes me, but I swear to God, there is a tie. I'm going to say the first name, this wonderful person can come up here and say thank you. And then I will say the second name. So there's going to be so much dramatic tension in this moment. Daniel Day-Lewis from Gangs of New York.
Daniel Day Lewis...: Thank you to the broadcast critics. Harvey. If I keep thanking you in public, people will think we're having an affair, but nonetheless, if you're choosing sides in the playground before a scrap, I would like to have Harvey Weinstein and Graham King on my side.
I've seen wonderful performances this year from actors and actresses, truly wonderful. And most of all, it's a lovely thing to be included amongst them. My supremely talented and sweet and charming colleagues, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Cameron Diaz. Thank you. Both of you. And it would be remiss, I think, if I didn't also thank the, well Eminem and the patron saint of shoemakers. Thank you very much.
Salma Hayek: And Jack Nicholson, About Schmidt.
Jack Nicholson: Well, I don't usually get this baked when it's on television, but I really, this is what's so great about this because my speech was to say, look, it is on television. Robin, would you come up and give... Would you give the funniest acceptance speech I ever gave?
Robin Williams: What Jack is trying to say here is he so happy to be here, he could drop a log. Right now, he wants to thank Jeffrey Katzenberg for the lens.
Jack Nicholson: And the seats.
Robin Williams: And the seats, and way to go. Hopefully Shaq kicked his ass tonight, but Jack, say it more because you're dressed up tonight and wearing the sunglasses inside works even better.
We also want to thank the set decorator for putting in the big balls for the last two minutes of the show, just to really put people at home. I want to thank also the Irish people for right now. Thank all of you for being out there right now, because if it wasn't for all the Irish, you wouldn't have anything working in New York at all. Right now. God bless. And he scares the fuck out of me right now. Tell him Jack, tell him like it is buddy. Cause you're the Buddha of showbusiness. Take it home.
[foreign language 00:04:36].
Jack Nicholson: Not so bad.
Robin Williams: Great set of hands.
Jack Nicholson: Take it easy.
Robin Williams: I want to thank you for getting into that dress, don't let her go.
Jack Nicholson: Until he got here, I couldn't think about anything but spanking Jillian Hall. I don't know what happened. They sent this home to me at night. I just thought, Oh boy, this is great. That's all, I would take it all.
Robin Williams: Like let's do that for the deaf now. [mimes sexual act]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you. This is what happens when you give the Irish free drinks. Very dignified maniac. John C. Riley. I was so afraid when he came up for ensemble, I thought he stayed on the stage for the last time. These are really supposed to be wonderful occasions. This is a wonderful occasion.
Robin Williams: How much money have we raised?
Jack Nicholson: I thought it would be so safe because of the way Jennifer Jason Leigh Alexander started off. I can't believe how many times he's made me laugh tonight. You know? And then I thought, well, I can't be that way unless I get Robin up because I'm going to be going after Steven, who actually got one laugh tonight.
We in About Schmidt are humiliated already tonight because we don't know if we are a comedy or a drama. I got so nervous about it. What I really didn't intend to do is say, I really wanted to say how grateful I am to the film critics for honouring Robin.
Robin Williams: Yeah, thanks for nothing. It's a tie with three people! That's okay, buddy. I just want to thank you. It's so nice to have nothing leaving here. I don't have to thank anybody. You pretty much said fuck you, Robin. Thank you, I hope that's televised. Thank you Jack.
Jack Nicholson: We're going to stay for a long time. I know you think this is going to be easy, but it's not. E Entertainment set the tone for me, what the man said I thought, well, my kids have liked nothing I've ever done. And they'll like this show tonight, they're going to be crazy about the way we are kind because of tone that it can set. But About Schmidt was a great job for me. I want to have to even, I know, it's still longer.
Have you ever left your home with like, does a shadow of dread ever pass over any of you? Because you know, on nights like tonight...
Robin Williams: Jack's getting into therapeutic issues now.
Jack Nicholson: And Alexander Payne and Kathy Bates.
Robin Williams: For those of you at home, Jack is getting ready to bring out a five iron.
Salma Hayek: Since they didn't give you an award, you can have... both of their names and the tie.
Robin Williams: Thank you, I want to thank Jack Nicholson and Daniel Day Lewis for giving me this piece of paper. It has their names on it, not mine. And I'm glad to be left out of this incredible group. I want to thank Jack for he is to me the greatest actor and Daniel Day Lewis, the greatest actor, and I'm just a hairy actor. And it's been a wonderful evening for me to walk away with nothing, coming here with no expectations, leaving here with no expectations. It's pretty much been a Buddhist evening for me. Thank you.
Daniel Day Lewi...: It goes without saying, my love and all my thanks to you, Marsh and Scorsese.