13 May 2024, Los Angeles, USA
The rules of the Webby Awards is that acceptance speeches have to be 5 words long:
Listen to old ladies motherfuckers!
Siobhán McSweeney: 'It's time they started to wise up!' BAFTA acceptance - 2023
14 May 2023, London, United Kingdom
Oh my God. Sorry. Hello. Right. So I've been warned to not do a political statement or to be really, really boring or sad and stuff, so I'm going to start with a funny bit.
[reads] As my mother lay dying in the Bon Secours Hospital in Cork, one of the very last things she said to me was, 'would I not consider retraining as a teacher'. If she could see me now, getting a BAFTA for playing a teacher ... Joke's on you, Mam!
Sugar, sugar. No, no, I'll never be up here again. Dammit. Lisa McGee, thank you. Who knew that getting drunk and making each other laugh for decades would pay off? Thank you for giving me Sister Michael and not listening to me when I said I could play all the girls' parts. Thank you, BAFTA. I wanted this so much. Thank you for giving it to me, especially considering the other nominations. And Channel 4, you have my devotion. Don't fire me. Hat Trick. You're very clever for picking up this script. Well done. Liz Liu and Caroline Ledger. Brian Faulkner, you're fantastic producers. Thank you for extraordinary crew. I love you. Thank you for reminding me, Mike Lennox, you're a brilliant director, my darling girls, Louisa, Nicola, the whole lot of them. Peter, I love you all. To Kevin Brady, my agent and my pal for seeing everything all the day,
Ugh. [exhausted at the pace]
Toi AHA talent, to my chosen family and friends. I'm everything because of you. To the people of Cork who supported me, despite the fact I'm not Cillian Murphy. I know that has been very difficult for you. To my brother, to my mother and father who aren't here, but I'm going to be quick because it has to be to the people of Derry. Thank you for taking me into your hearts and your living rooms. I am daily impressed with how he encompassed the spirit of compromise and resilience, despite the indignities, ignorance and stupidity of your so-called leaders in Dublin, Stormont, and Westminster.
In the words, words of my beloved Sister Michael. It's time they started to wise up. Thank you so much.
Yuh-Juong Youn: 'I'm luckier than you!', Academy Award acceptance - 2021
26 April 2021, Los Angeles, USA
Mr. Brad Pitt, finally, nice to meet you. Where were you when we were filming in Tulsa? I’m very honored to meet you.
As you know, I’m from Korea and my name is Yuh-jung Youn. Most European people call me Yuh-youn, and some of them call me Yuh-jung. But tonight, you are all forgiven. Okay, let me pull myself together.
I don’t believe in competition. How could I win over Glenn Close? I’ve been watching her many performances.
All of my [fellow] five nominees, we’re winners for different movies, we play different roles,. Tonight, I just have a little bit luck, I think, maybe. I’m luckier than you. And also, maybe, it’s American hospitality for a Korean actor—I’m not sure.
I’d like to thank my two boys, who make me go out and work. This is the result, because mommy works so hard.
Greg Davies: 'I can't tell you how much I resent being here', Special BAFTA TV Craft Award for Emma Thomas - 2019
28 April 2019, London, United Kingdom
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. When I heard that someone who worked on my sitcom was being awarded a BAFTA, all I quite reasonably heard was "Your show has won a BAFTA."
On arrival, the awful truth has revealed itself: Not only do I not find myself at the actual BAFTAs, but I've discovered... [laughing at mocking of TV Craft]
Let's be honest. No, take it, take it.
… But I've also discovered that Emma Thomas, the recipient of this year's special award, fine, is receiving it for her work on numerous shows, all of which I couldn't care less about.
Combine this with the realisation that Emma is that woman who kept interrupting me on set to point out alleged mistakes I'd made and we have a recipe for crushing disappointment. I can't tell you how much I resent being here.
Anyway, back to the script that was so cleverly kept from me until just moments ago. Emma trained at TV Central in Nottingham. Her credits include a wide range of some of the most successful scripted shows in British television, including Goodnight Sweetheart, Birds of a Feather, Teachers, Benidorm, Luther, and Bad Education, to name but a few.
Incredible. My show's not even on that list.
The role of script supervisor is an integral part of television production, but seldom recognised or rewarded. Fundamentally, the script supervisor is the editor and writer's representative on set as well as being the, oh, right-hand aid to the director and the director of photography. It is the script supervisor's job to make sure that at the end of the day, the film footage can be cut together coherently. In that sense, they back up every department, monitor the script during shooting, and make sure that errors in continuity do not occur. That would cause an editing nightmare.
Not only has Emma worked on over 50 productions of both television and film in the last 30 years, but she also sits on the board of Women in Film & Television, where she has been a member... Quite right. She's been a member since 1999 and takes an active role in mentoring young women in the industry. Let's take a moment to find out more.
Daniel Day Lewis, Jack Nicholson & Robin Williams: 'It's pretty much been a Buddhist evening for me', Critics Choice - 2003
17 January 2003, Los Angeles, California, USA
Salma Hayek: There's been a tie. I swear to God. Okay. So this is what they explained to me. Nobody believes me, but I swear to God, there is a tie. I'm going to say the first name, this wonderful person can come up here and say thank you. And then I will say the second name. So there's going to be so much dramatic tension in this moment. Daniel Day-Lewis from Gangs of New York.
Daniel Day Lewis...: Thank you to the broadcast critics. Harvey. If I keep thanking you in public, people will think we're having an affair, but nonetheless, if you're choosing sides in the playground before a scrap, I would like to have Harvey Weinstein and Graham King on my side.
I've seen wonderful performances this year from actors and actresses, truly wonderful. And most of all, it's a lovely thing to be included amongst them. My supremely talented and sweet and charming colleagues, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Cameron Diaz. Thank you. Both of you. And it would be remiss, I think, if I didn't also thank the, well Eminem and the patron saint of shoemakers. Thank you very much.
Salma Hayek: And Jack Nicholson, About Schmidt.
Jack Nicholson: Well, I don't usually get this baked when it's on television, but I really, this is what's so great about this because my speech was to say, look, it is on television. Robin, would you come up and give... Would you give the funniest acceptance speech I ever gave?
Robin Williams: What Jack is trying to say here is he so happy to be here, he could drop a log. Right now, he wants to thank Jeffrey Katzenberg for the lens.
Jack Nicholson: And the seats.
Robin Williams: And the seats, and way to go. Hopefully Shaq kicked his ass tonight, but Jack, say it more because you're dressed up tonight and wearing the sunglasses inside works even better.
We also want to thank the set decorator for putting in the big balls for the last two minutes of the show, just to really put people at home. I want to thank also the Irish people for right now. Thank all of you for being out there right now, because if it wasn't for all the Irish, you wouldn't have anything working in New York at all. Right now. God bless. And he scares the fuck out of me right now. Tell him Jack, tell him like it is buddy. Cause you're the Buddha of showbusiness. Take it home.
[foreign language 00:04:36].
Jack Nicholson: Not so bad.
Robin Williams: Great set of hands.
Jack Nicholson: Take it easy.
Robin Williams: I want to thank you for getting into that dress, don't let her go.
Jack Nicholson: Until he got here, I couldn't think about anything but spanking Jillian Hall. I don't know what happened. They sent this home to me at night. I just thought, Oh boy, this is great. That's all, I would take it all.
Robin Williams: Like let's do that for the deaf now. [mimes sexual act]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you. This is what happens when you give the Irish free drinks. Very dignified maniac. John C. Riley. I was so afraid when he came up for ensemble, I thought he stayed on the stage for the last time. These are really supposed to be wonderful occasions. This is a wonderful occasion.
Robin Williams: How much money have we raised?
Jack Nicholson: I thought it would be so safe because of the way Jennifer Jason Leigh Alexander started off. I can't believe how many times he's made me laugh tonight. You know? And then I thought, well, I can't be that way unless I get Robin up because I'm going to be going after Steven, who actually got one laugh tonight.
We in About Schmidt are humiliated already tonight because we don't know if we are a comedy or a drama. I got so nervous about it. What I really didn't intend to do is say, I really wanted to say how grateful I am to the film critics for honouring Robin.
Robin Williams: Yeah, thanks for nothing. It's a tie with three people! That's okay, buddy. I just want to thank you. It's so nice to have nothing leaving here. I don't have to thank anybody. You pretty much said fuck you, Robin. Thank you, I hope that's televised. Thank you Jack.
Jack Nicholson: We're going to stay for a long time. I know you think this is going to be easy, but it's not. E Entertainment set the tone for me, what the man said I thought, well, my kids have liked nothing I've ever done. And they'll like this show tonight, they're going to be crazy about the way we are kind because of tone that it can set. But About Schmidt was a great job for me. I want to have to even, I know, it's still longer.
Have you ever left your home with like, does a shadow of dread ever pass over any of you? Because you know, on nights like tonight...
Robin Williams: Jack's getting into therapeutic issues now.
Jack Nicholson: And Alexander Payne and Kathy Bates.
Robin Williams: For those of you at home, Jack is getting ready to bring out a five iron.
Salma Hayek: Since they didn't give you an award, you can have... both of their names and the tie.
Robin Williams: Thank you, I want to thank Jack Nicholson and Daniel Day Lewis for giving me this piece of paper. It has their names on it, not mine. And I'm glad to be left out of this incredible group. I want to thank Jack for he is to me the greatest actor and Daniel Day Lewis, the greatest actor, and I'm just a hairy actor. And it's been a wonderful evening for me to walk away with nothing, coming here with no expectations, leaving here with no expectations. It's pretty much been a Buddhist evening for me. Thank you.
Daniel Day Lewi...: It goes without saying, my love and all my thanks to you, Marsh and Scorsese.
Olivia Colman: 'Done that bit. I think I have done that bit', BAFTA acceptance, Leading Actress - 2019
10 February 2019, London, United Kingdom
Thank you so much. It's really big.
I don't know -- I do know what to say. I have actually written something down. I do know.
To my fellow nominees, to be in the same company as you is such an extraordinary honour. I think the work you all did was so beautiful.
Very shaky. Sorry. I can't read it either.
All the producers. Fox and Element and everyone therein. And Nadia and Sandy and all of your teams. Hi. We're having an amazing night, aren't we? We're going to get so pissed later!
Yorgos Lanthimos -- I don't know, I can't think of the words to thank you enough for letting me do this. My most favourite time ever.
The thing I really want to do is, Emma and Rachel -- must keep it together -- not just for your performances but for what you did after the cameras stopped rolling. And we've never talked about this, and I find it very emotional, but you were the best and classiest and coolest honour guard any woman could ever have, and I love you. Ems isn't here, but we love you too, Em, somewhere in America.
Oh, God, what else am I meant to say? Done that bit. I think I have done that bit ...
Yes. So this is -- sorry. I swear I'm going to go in a minute!
This is for -- not for the lead, it's for a lead, and as far as I'm concerned, all three of us are the same and should be the lead, and it's weird that we can't do that. But this is for all three of us. It's got my name on it, but we can scratch in some other names.
Thank you so much.
Larry David: "I not only hate writing the shows, I hate all kinds of writing", WGA Awards, Paddy Chayefsky Laurel Award - 2011
2 February 2011, East Coast ceremony, New York City, USA
Jason Alexander: I first encountered Larry David — this is true — at the Improv Comedy Club in New York City in the mid 1980s. The man was introduced as a comic. He lurched out onto the stage sweating and profoundly uncomfortable, launched into some diatribe about the improper use of the tu form over the usted form in the Spanish language, and after — I kid you not — a minute and a half of incomprehensible banter about "Et tu, Brute?," he accused the audience of being ignorant, euphemisms of the female anatomy, threw down his microphone, and stormed from the stage.
To my amazement, less than a few years later, I would attain heights of fame and fortune I had never imagined by playing a character who was a thinly disguised alter-ego for that very same man. And I thank God for that blessing every day.
Larry David: Thanks Jason, it was really sweet of you to do this, although I have no doubt I'll be getting a call from you in the next few weeks asking me to do something very distasteful in return. "Larry, my wife's doing a save the poultry event, she'd like you to be the guest speaker. I think you owe me I gave you the Paddy Chayefsky Award."
I also want to thank my pal, the brilliant Larry Charles, for doing the thankless task of making that video. I don't know who the guy is he's talking about, but I'd like to meet him, sound very cool. Okay, to the matter at and. First off, I just like to say to Paddy Chayefsky, I'm really, really sorry. Please don't blame me, I had nothing to do with it. Apparently some of the same people who made the decisions about our last strike were also involved in this. So don't take it out on me.
And if it's any consolation, I won't put the award where anybody can see it. I'm thinking basement. So maybe when they come to fix the pipes, the plumber might spot it, and if he asks me what it is I'll just tell him it's from bowling. What's really ironic about this whole thing is that I hate writing. Nothing puts me to sleep faster than picking up a pen. Within minutes, I'm out cold.
I not only hate writing the shows, I hate all kinds of writing. Recommendations, thank you notes, excusing my daughter from school, condolence letters ... Oh those are the worst. Any expression of sympathy. I'd rather blow my own head off and make probably have to write them to me. And, of course, this speech.
As soon as I found out about the award, I immediately called the Guild and asked them what the shortest speech on record was for anyone who's ever been given this. Its ruined my life for the last two months. Not five minutes have gone by without me saying to myself, "You stupid schmuck. Why did you do this?" I actually started resenting the Guild for choosing me. It's almost like they did it on purpose just to accept me. It's like a sick joke. It's not funny.
I'm only sorry my mother is not alive to be here tonight because there's no doubt she would have stood up not shouted, "Larry? Are you sure? You're giving an award to Larry? Morty, they're giving an award to Larry." Her great dream for me was to become a mailman. Her dream. That's her best-case scenario. "If only my boy could deliver the mail. Please God, that's not asking too much, and wear a uniform."
She literally begged me to take a civil service test. "Please Larry, take the test." She was like Rod Steiger in On the Waterfront begging Brando to take the money in the cab. "Please take the test. Take the civil service test, take it, take it." I said, "No." She said, "What are you going to do?" And I really didn't know. At the time I was supporting myself by driving a limo for an old lady who was half blind and had no idea that I wasn't wearing the uniform and that the car was filthy.
I did that for a year, and then one night I went to the Improv, saw a bunch of comedians, and I thought, Jesus, theses people seem just like me. They're complete losers who do nothing and get up and talk about how miserable they are. Are you kidding? I can do that. And it had the bonus of sounding like a cool thing to say to impress women when they ask what I did, although I soon discovered that was not the case at all. I could have said I was a mailman and done just as poorly.
I told my parents about wanting to be a comedian and my mother said, "You're not funny, Larry. I've never heard you say anything funny." And my father backed her up, "She's right, she's right. You're not funny. Why do you think you're funny? You're not funny." So, I started doing it, but as Jason alluded to, I was not all that successful. My therapist at the time said I wasn't really temperamentally suited for it for the simple reason that if the audience didn't laugh I would scream and curse them.
"You stupid, fucking morons. You don't know anything!" I remember even walking the streets in New York looking for good spots to live in case I ever became homeless. I would mentally note them. Yeah, yeah, 44th between 5th and 6th. Good steam vent, there's an overhang. I got to remember this. I bombed all the time. Got heckled unmercifully. People threw things at me. I wallowed in self-pity. "Why me? Why? Why can't I do anything? I don't understand. It's not fair."
And then in 1988, Jerry Seinfeld asked me to develop a show with him. I'd never written a half hour before. I didn't even know the format. The number of pages, I had no idea what I was doing. I prayed for the show not to get picked up. Doing one was hard enough. How could I possibly do 22? It was impossible. I thought of all the half hours on television. All of the one hours. How did the writers do it week after week? Even the bad shows I was admiring, just for the fact that they got gone. When it got picked up I cried. I thought, "Are they insane? Why are they picking up this show? What is it?"
Then after a few weeks, I remember I was filling out a form in the doctor's office, and in the space next to occupation, I put in writer for the first time. That made me feel really smart. Oh, Jesus, I'm a writer. Holy shit, this is very cool. Although, who knows, maybe if I filled in mailman I would have felt just as good about it.
Now as much as it pains me, I'm going to be a little gracious, even at the risk of boring you. I have to thank Chris Albrect and Budd Frieman from the Improv, and Rick Newman from Catch a Rising Star, who consistently gave me spots in New York even though more often than not I turned the crowd into an angry mob. Rick Ludwin from NBC who stuck his neck out to get Seinfeld on the air. Of course Jerry Seinfeld, without whom, I'd probably be sitting on that steam vent on 44th street, screaming obscenities at passers by. Everything I wrote he improved.
I could so say the same for Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, and Dave Mandel, who've done such great work on Curb these last few years and the main reason I continue to do it. The remarkable Seinfeld cast. It's unbelievable. When I did these things in real life, I was scorned, mocked, and shunned. When they did it on the show, people laughed and loved them.
And the incredible Curb cast who helped me enact my revenge fantasies with such aplomb. Chris Albrect again, for putting Curb on the air and allowing a bald man to star in a comedy for the first time since Phil Silvers played Bilko. Of course, he is bald, so maybe it wasn't such a big deal. And the current HBO team of Richard Plepler, Mike Lombardo, and Sue Naegle, who give me whatever I want. I only hope I don't spoil my children the way HBO has spoiled me. And finally the writer's guild for this award.
But you know, there's a disturbing element surrounding this. I've noticed that whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible. And this thing has got disaster and doom written all over it. I mean it's a great honour but it's not worth getting hit by a bus. So, thank you Writer's Guild for the death sentence. I only hope I live a few more months to enjoy it. Thank you.
Larry David: 'I never knew a person could be that funny', AFI Tribute to Mel Brooks - 2013
6 June 2013, Dolby Theater, Hollywood, California, USA
Lavishing praise on people does not come easy to me.
In fact I find it quite distasteful.
Let’s just say it's not my cup of tea.
Usually I have to wait for somebody to die to do it, and even then I have to give it a couple of years.
But not so tonight. When I first heard The 2000 Year Old Man, I was laughing so hard my father came into the room and turned off the record player. ‘What the hell is going on in here, Larry?’
See, my parents didn’t mind me chuckling at a comedy album, or a TV show. A little chuckle was fine.
But this was something else entirely.
This was disturbing.
So out of the ordinary. I never knew a person could be that funny.
And from the very first moment I heard that album, from that moment on, I said to myself, I can never, ever, be a comedian.
What is the point?
So Mel Brooks didn’t get me into comedy. He kept me away from it.
I wasted years doing nothing because of him.
No job, living at home, lying on the couch watching ‘Shindig’.
My parents were beside themselves. They cried themselves to sleep every night.
He killed them.
He killed my parents that little Jew bastard.
Working with Mel on my show was one of the great thrills of my life. And that season was inspired by what was possibly the greatest comedic premise that anyone has ever dreamed up. The Producers.
Will Ferrell: 'I decided to accept this award because of the prize money', Mark Twain acceptance - 2011
23 October 2011, Kennedy Center, Washington DC, USA
Oh, boy, okay. Um, wow, thank you, thank you, so much for that warm ovation. As I stare at this magnificent bust of Mark Twain, I’m reminded of how humbled I am to receive such an honor and how I vow to take very special care of it. I will never let it out of my sight. I will find a place of honor in my house for this magnificent bust. If my children try to touch it or even look at it, I will beat them. It means that much to me. In fact, I told my wife that maybe I should buy it its own seat for the plane right home, and no, no I’m not done, I’m not done, I’m not, I’m not, no. No, I just started the speech, why would you think I’m done?
I want to sincerely thank the Kennedy Center for this prize and this – and the fine folks at PBS for airing this special. I am the 14th recipient of the Mark Twain prize. And you’re probably asking yourself, why did it take so long? Well, for 13 consecutive years, I have been begged by the Kennedy Center to accept this award and for 13 consecutive years, I have emphatically said, no. For years, I had many questions about this Mark Twain, the first being, who is he? It’s been donned on me that, since I was a small boy I have thoroughly enjoyed his delicious fried chicken.
Then my wife informed me that I was thinking of Colonel Sanders not Mark Twain. It turns out that he is considered America’s finest author and humorist, but that his real name is not Mark Twain, it was Jerry Goldman. Before that, it was Judy Blume, and before that of course, we all know the name, Samuel Langhorne Chimmins. Despite my failings to grasp the importance of Mark Twain and what exactly he did, I decided to accept this award because of the prize money, $1 billion dollars, paid out over the next 10,000 years. To say that I’m thrilled to be here is a complete understatement, and to make this evening even more thrilling, I have just been informed that, I’m only the 11th Caucasian to receive this prestigious award.
Pretty cool, I can’t tell you enough how special it is to stand here on this stage at the Kennedy Center, in front of this amazing audience, while being watched on PBS by hundreds of people. It’s very surreal, you have to understand as a kid growing up in Irvine, California, where I would sit in my room and listen to records of Steve Martin and the original Saturday Night Live Cast or stay up late and watch Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show to see what comedians he would have on. I had one dream, one singular focus even at the earliest stage, I can remember wanting to do one thing and one thing only, sell insurance.
So to be standing here, feels somewhat odd, whether it was auto, home or life, fire, flood or earthquake, I just wanted to make people feel safe. Do you have enough inland marine insurance or business overhead expense disability insurance, these are the things I thought when I was a kid. But the insurance game didn’t happen for me. So I fell back on comedy, and here I am now. There is so many people I need to thank for helping me make tonight possible.
First off, I would like to thank all the wonderful people who spoke or performed tonight on my behalf, an amazing line-up, all of you taking time out of your busy personal and professional schedules to be here means the world to me and if any of you ever needs me to speak on your behalf, for any reason, just know that I sincerely mean this, I’m probably unavailable. But thank you and I’m sorry ahead of time.
One of the people you saw tonight to whom I owe a huge debt of gratitude is Mr. Adam McKay. Together Adam and I have created Anchorman, Talladega Nights, Stepbrothers and The Other Guys, a Broadway show and a comedy website. I would also not be standing here, if it weren’t for Saturday Night Live Executive Producer, Lorne Michaels.
Thank you, Lorne for taking a chance on me and giving me the opportunity to be on Saturday Night Live, the show I always dream to being on. And finally what makes tonight truly special is that I can share it with my family. I am so grateful to all of you guys for your continued support and love for the things that I do. But mostly I would like to thank my lovely wife, Viveca.
Before I do that, however, I should really thank my first and second wives Donna and Julie. Donna, what can I say, we were just too young, when we got married. I mean literally too young, we were 13. Ah, heck, you were 13, I was nine. You know. I was in the third grade and it wasn’t right or legal, but I hope you’re well and I thank you for your support. As for Julie, you left me for Gary Busey and I will never blame you for that ever.
Finally, Viveca, all I can say is thank you, and thank god I found you. You’ve given us three beautiful boys and we have a wonderful life together. But I do have to say sometimes you get a little lippy, okay. You got a big mouth and you like to run it. Now I’ll tell you one thing, and one thing only, okay tonight is my night, all right. I love you, but I’m really sick of that big mouth of yours okay? And I won’t stand it, okay? Do you hear me? You look at me when I talk to you.
I mean tonight, if I after the show, if I want to go on a bender with Gwen Ifill and buy a couple of spearguns and try to scale the Washington Monument, I’m going to do it, okay? And there is nothing, you can say to stop me. I love you.
So once again, I thank you for this magnificent night and this amazing honor and I want to thank the Kennedy Center for being one of the few places that upholds comedy, as what it truly is an art form. Thank you and good night. Now, you can play it, now you can play the music.
Elaine May: 'Not only is Mike a brilliant director, he's also, really, Albert Einstein's cousin', salute to Mike Nichols, AFI Lifetime Achievement - 2010
8 June 2010, Hollywood, California, USA
This is a very emotional night for me because 10, 20, 30 years ago tonight I bought this dress ... I bought it for Mike's first lifetime achievement award
And at the time, he promised me that from then on he'd only do mediocre work so I wouldn't be inconvenienced again, and then year after year after year after year, he consistently broke his word.
So here I am tonight. And I think tonight, my speech for Mike will have a Yiddish theme.
Because as # said, not only is Mike a wonderful producer, a remarkable actor, a brilliant director, he's also, really Albert Einstein's cousin. It is true!
It really is. There's a show on PBS, that's hosted by - I can barely read my hand - Robert Gates Jnr - I have always suspected this, because years ago, I was leafing through a Gutenberg Bible that Mike keeps on his coffee table,
And I found a letter, one page of a letter, it was a letter obviously written by Eisntein. I don't know to whom it was written because it was the second page.
I took that letter, thinking it was one of those little things that mike would never miss, I have that letter with me tonight. I'm going to read it.
[reaches into bra]
I just don't want to take out the wrong thing.
It's the second page.
[reading]
"Agitated, I moved away from the dinner party, and wandered into the kitchen, where Little Igor [Mike Nichols birth name was Mikhail Igor Peschkowsky] was finishing his mashed potatoes with peas. He ate the peas one at a time. On impulse I said to him, how can I explain to dinner guests that relative time equals distance over speed, without sounding pedantic? '
Little Igor paused over his pea. He said, 'a mother is forced to send her little boy away. Sitting on the train the boy is grief stricken. Suddenly he looks through the window and sees that there is another train standing still on the track beside his. And a little girl is looking at him through the window and smiling. For a moment the boy’s grief fades and he smiles and then we pull back [gestures camera move] and we see the heatbroken mother watching the two trains, which are actually racing away, but to the children smiiling at each other, through the window, the train seems to be standing still, because they are both travelling in the same direction, at the same speed.
And here Einstein writes: ‘It was at that moment I gave up my dream of being a director, and decided to stay with physics.'
And the last line:
"I said to the boy, I had no idea where you were going with that story', and that's as far as this letter goes.
I knew immediately that Little Igor was Mike, because I knew his name was Igor, and that's the way he still eats peas. But I never know where Mike's story is going either. I watch his movies, and I have no idea where they are going to go, and then when they get there I think, well, yeah, of course.
I watched The Graduate kill himself over this girl, and then he's with the mother, and then he tears her away from this guy when they're at her own wedding, and then when they're on the bus and he's won, he has nothing to say to her.
And you think, oh yeah, of course.
If you kept the camera on after the prince put the glass slipper on Cinderella's foot, what would he say to her? He'd say, ‘nice shoes’.
You don't know where Carnal Knowledge is going because there are no cliches. you can go crazy, your mind can't drift, you can't get popcorn, you don't know what's going to happen. And Working Girl Away, you do know what 's going to happen, because Melanie Griffith is going to get Harrison Ford and she's beautiful and he's handsome and they’re both in business. They have something to talk about on the bus, because, they're in the markets.
They're probably one of the corporations that are funding this evening.
These scripts are all written by terrific writers, but if you're a writer, you really want Mike to direct your screenplay. Because you know that every shot and every costume and every piece of furniture and every shoe, and everything you see is going to tell your story. And never give it away.
I have to go back to my Jewish theme now, because I don't want to not be thematic. And here it is:
Albert Einstein was a very sad man when he died, because he never achieved a combined field theory and that’s gotta be depressing. In whatever dimension he may be in, if he’s watching tonight, I think he’d be immensely cheered up to discover he’s Mike Nichols’ cousin.
Mike Love (The Beach Boys): "Now a lot of people are going to come out of this room tonight and say, 'Mike Love is crazy!'", Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction - 1988
20 January 1988., Waldorf Astoria, New York City, New York, USA
You heard from Cousin Brian, the reason we started making music, the reason that kept us going, and it sounds corny, but you can hear it in the harmonies, those of you who are musicians. And the reason people love the Beach Boys is because we love harmony.
We love music and we love harmony. And we love all people too.
When I went to high school, my cousin Brian and I would jump over the fence, ditch class and we’d go surfing. Now we couldn’t surf very good, but it was the whole lifestyle thing.
We would listen to the music, the R & B music of the time, and some of our favourite records were the doo-wop type of deals. There you again with harmony.
And I think it's wonderful to be here tonight, but I also think it's sad that there are other people who aren't here tonight. And, uh, those are the people who have passed away, those are the obvious ones. But the other not-so-obvious ones are people like Paul McCartney, who couldn't be here tonight because he's in a lawsuit with Ringo and Yoko. That's what he sent a telegram to some, uh, high priced attorney in this room, you know. And that's a bummer, because we're talking about harmony, right, and the world. If we can't get it together in America and in England, and harmony within our groups. I mean, believe it, you can believe it the Beach Boys have their own "interstescene" or whatever you call it, squabbles. But that's a bummer when Ms. Ross can't make it, you know? The Beach Boys have continued to do, about, we did about 180 performances last year. I'd like to see the Mop-Tops match that! I'd like to see Mick Jagger get out on this stage and do I Get Around versus Jumpin' Jack Flash, any day now.
Now a lot of people are going to come out of this room tonight and say, 'Mike Love is crazy!' Well they've been saying that for years. There aint nothing new about that.
But what I’m talking about is, forget this room. The United States is just 6 percent of the population of the world. That’s why I came here tonight with Muhammad Ali, Mohammad! Salaam-Alaikum! I didn’t here you say ‘alaikum shalom’. Alaikum shalom, he said it.
Okay I don’t care what anybody in this room thinks. You know when they were talking about ... this guy with the guitar. You know, Arlo’s father? Woody Guthrie ... yeah. Well I knew that, because my father used to sing some of those songs. And my mother, the Wilson, Emily Wilson, first cousin of Brian, Carl and the late Dennis, the surfer of the group. When they first came to California they were a Kansas dustbowl Swedes who didn’t have enough money to rent or buy a house , they lived in tents, on the beach in Hunnington California when they first came out. And now we're sitting in this room with all this glitterati glissando. All six percent of us. And we're hassling, we're fighting, interstescene squabbles, you know, messing around.
What I want to see is this whole room recognise that there is one Earth here, and I want us to do something fantastic with all this talent. and all this wonderful spirit and soul.
And I'd like to see some people kick out the jams, and I challenge The Boss to get up on stage and jam. (during Mike's pause, someone in the house band plays the theremin line of "Good Vibrations" during the crowds tepid response)
I wanna see Billy Joel, see if he can still tickle ivories, lemmee see.
I know Mick Jagger won't be here tonight, he's gonna have to stay in England. But I'd like to see us in the Coliseum and he at Wembley Stadium because he's always been chickenshit to get on stage with the Beach Boys.
Kid Rock: 'They were exactly what we needed, a garage band in sheep's clothing', for Cheap Trick - 2016
8 April 2016, Barclays Center, Brooklyn, New York City, USA
Has anyone been keeping tabs on what the fuck has been going on here tonight? Quick recap in my mind ... Who knew Lars Ulrich, the fucking drummer from Metallica, was such a great speaker? Right? Awesome. Then we've got Ice Cube telling people to stay in school and then the drummer from Chicago turns out to be the fucking badass: "Fuck the establishment! I'll do what I want!" As long as we're keeping it real, I'd like to really quickly address the issue of drugs in America. If you do drugs, kids, there's a good chance you're going to ruin your life.
But there's also a pretty good fucking chance you'll end up in a band and be rich and bang hot chicks. Here's a little secret about bands: We all think we're great live. There's not a band in this room or in the world that doesn't think it's really a live band. You think you can rip the roof off of any room. You think you can make a basement club feel like the Garden. And you think you do it better than anyone else. Then you go and see Cheap Trick.
That's when you think, "Man, we kind of suck. I gotta to step up my game." They're a club band, a bar band, a working band, every sense of those words. They're relentless, precise, powerful. If she's tight, they're tighter.
It's a little innuendo. ... When disco and soft rock had taken over our radio – thank God I wasn't alive then – they were exactly what we needed, a garage band in sheep's clothing. They had a punk soul, a pop heartbeat and Beatles ambitions. They even worked with George Martin. And he said Cheap Trick was his favorite band to work with that wasn't from Liverpool. I didn't write that line. You can't not watch them. Their frontman is a matinee idol who can growl, croon or swagger. And the guitarist looks like a Teddy Boy on acid. ...
They were always onstage, every throwaway gig, every photo shoot, every interview. They worked the room like it was Soldier Field. ...
Cheap Trick was so big, so loud, so fast that it took a live album to catch the fury. "Surrender," "I Want You to Want Me." These are great songs, but live, they became anthems. It took us a while to figure it out. They were made in the USA, but Japan caught on before we did. A lot of bands think, "We're big in Japan." I'm fucking big in Kentucky. But Cheap Trick is the only one they call the American Beatles. After that, the world exploded for them. It look like success came out of nowhere, but trust me, they worked for it. Of course they did. They've got Midwestern heart.
They've got Illinois shoulders. That's why ... more than 40 years later, 40 fucking years, and more than 5,000 gigs, they're still going strong. They've been on the road. They've been knocked down, but they've never stopped and they're still out there racking up the miles and playing every show like it's their first. You don't think so? These crazy fucks got three more gigs this week.
Recycling shit, I'm not that great. I'm a rapper – I sample. Maybe it's that Midwestern work ethic and maybe it's because as they put it, "We're too dumb to quit." Either way, we're glad they put in the hours. So I'm honored to induct, from Rockford, Illinois …
Bob Dylan: 'it's possible to become so defiled in this world that your own father and mother will abandon you', Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award - 1991
20 February 1991, Radio City Music Hall, New York City, USA
[see end of cliip]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you, for the constant state of restlessness that has enabled you to seek newer and better means of expressing the human condition with words and music; for living your creative life fearlessly and without apology, and leading the way no matter how the times change - the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences joins a worldwide network of grateful fans in presenting you this Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award. Congratulations!
Bob Dylan: Well, um ... yeah ... my daddy, he didn't leave me much, you know he was a very simple man, but what he did tell me was this, he did say, son, he said ...
[long pause, nervous laughter from the crowd]
He said so many things you know.
He said, you know it's possible to become so defiled in this world that your own father and mother will abandon you, and if that happens, God will always believe in your own ability to mend your own ways.
[walks off]
Patton Oswalt: 'This was kinda a rough year, for a lot of reasons, but I had pretty much given up doing standup', Cringe Humor Best Comedy Album - 2007
16 December 2007, Foxwoods Resort Casino, Ledyard Connecticut, USA (pre record LA)
Hi Cringe Humour. This is Patton Oswalt, and I wanted to say sorry that I couldn’t be there for the awards ceremony tonight, but I had to let you guys know , how flattering it is, truly flattering, that you chose my album, Werewolves and Lollipops, as best comedy album of the year, especially, you know you’re a New York based website, the New York comedy scene is really strong and amazing, so it’s just that much more special to me -- that you chose me, an LA based comic. It really means a lot. And it really blew me away when you guys let me know.
I don’t mind admitting to you guys that this was, this was kinda a rough year, for a lot of reasons that I won’t go into, but I had pretty much given up doing standup, for the last few months, and this award really reminded me that I think, that standup is what I should be doing, and it really gave me the confidence back.
Sp tonight you’re seeing -- just before --- I do my last ever last ever silver boy fantasy dance routine for visiting Saudi Arabian businessmen here in Los Angeles.
[off camera] Hey Flabby, start your dance now!
Right so I gotta ... um [picks up drink] You know what, I don’t need this tonight. Thanks Cringe Humour.
[Strides out]
[under breath] Alright Ahmed.
Tina Fey: 'Only in comedy is an obedient white girl from the suburbs a diversity candidate', Kennedy Center Mark Twain Award - 2010
9 November, 2010, Kennedy Center, Washington DC, USA
Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Thank you all for dressing up. God. Listening to all of these speeches and performances for the last two hours, I cannot help but feel grateful that I put a bag of pretzels in my purse.
I want to thank everyone involved with the Kennedy Centre, or as it will soon be known, The Tea Party Bowling Ally & Rifle Range. It's gonna look good, we can get about nine lanes in here. I want to thank everyone at WETA, and PBS, not just for televising this event, but for showing The Benny Hill Show so much when I was a kid. I don't know how that qualified to be on PBS -- we may never know.
I promise to put this award in a place of honour to make sure that my daughter does not pretend that it is Barbie's older husband, who lost his body in an accident.
I never dreamed that I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humour. Mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
I never thought I would even qualify for the Mark Twain Prize for American Humour, I mean, maybe the Nathaniel Hawthorne Prize for Judgmental Nature, or the Judy Bloom Award for Awkward Puberty or the Harper Lee Prize for Small Bodies of Work. But never this. And yet, I hope that like Mark Twain, a hundred years from now, people will see my work and think, 'wow, that is actually pretty racist'.
Apparently I'm only the third woman to ever receive this award, and I'm so honoured to be numbered with Lily Tomlin and Whoopee Goldberg, but I do hope that women are achieving at a rate these days that we can stop counting what number they are at things.
Yes, I was the first female head writer at Saturday Night Live, and yes, I was only the second woman ever to be pregnant while on the show. And now tonight I am the third female recipient of this prize. I would love to be the fourth woman to do something, but I just don't see myself married to Lorne.
I'm so grateful to my friends who came here tonight to perform. Some people came all the way from Los Angeles, and I know that you are all very busy people with families and it means so much to me to know that care about show-business more than you do about them.
I want to thank Alec Baldwin for not coming tonight. I already have a reputation as a liberal elite lunatic, I don't need that guy followin' me around. Johnny-Huffington-Post. Actually I do want to thank Alec genuinely for staying in New York tonight, to continue to shoot at 30 Rock, so that I could be here, so thank you Alec, I love you.
I'm not gonna get emotional tonight, because I am a stone-cold bitch. But, I want to thank my family. They say that funny people often come from a difficult childhood, or a troubled family, so to my family, I say, 'They're giving me the Mark Twain Prize for American Humour, what did you animals do to me!' Yeah.
I know my Mother and Father are so proud of me tonight, so this is probably a good time to tell them, I'm putting you both in a home. We'll talk about it later.
I met my husband Jeff when we were both in Chicago and I had short hair with a perm on top and I would wear oversized denim shorts overalls, and that is how I know our love is real.
At some point in the future, our daughter Alice will find a DVD of this broadcast, or I don't know, download it into the sub-dermal iPhone in her eyelids, I don't know how far in the future we're talking about. But, I hope that it will make her laugh, and it will explain to her why her parents looked so tired all the time.
The one person without whom I really would not be here tonight, except of course for my Mother who is pretty sure she delivered me even though she had a lot of twilight sleep, the other one person is Lorne Michaels.
In 1997 I flew from Chicago to New York to have a job interview for a writing position at Saturday Night Live. And I was hopeful because I'd heard the show was looking to diversify, which, by the way, only in comedy, is an obedient white girl from the suburbs a diversity candidate. But, I remember, you know, I came for my job interview and the only decent clothes I had at the time, Lorne was right, was I had a pair of black pants and a sweater from Contempo Casuals. And I went to the security guard at the elevator at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and I said 'I'm here to see Lorne Michaels' and I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, 'I'm here to see Lorne Michaels'.
And I went up to the 17th floor and I had my meeting with Lorne, and the only thing anyone had told me about meeting with Lorne, having a job interview, they said; whatever you do, do not finish his sentences. A girl I knew in Chicago had done that and she felt like it had cost her the job, and so, whatever you do, don't finish his sentences. And I was there and really didn't want to blow it and Lorne said, 'So, you're from...', and it just was hanging there, 'So, you're from...', and I found I couldn't take anymore, and I said, 'Pennsylvania, I'm from Pennsylvania, suburb of Philadelphia', just as Lorne was finishing his thought and said, 'Chicago', and I thought, That's it. I blew it. And I don't remember anything else about the meeting, because I just kept staring at him thinking, this is the guy from the Beatles sketch! I can't believe that I'm in his office.
And you know I could never have guessed that a couple years later I would be sitting in that office until 2, 3, 4 in the morning thinking, if this meeting doesn't end I'm gonna kill this Canadian bastard.
The last time I that was in Washington was in 2004 to take this Life magazine cover photo with John McCain. And Senator McCain gave my husband and me a tour of the Senate, and we all spent a lovely, busy afternoon together. And I have it on good authority that this picture of Senator McCain and myself has been hanging in his office, by his desk since 2004. And he has been looking at it every day since 2004, getting ideas. So I guess what I'm saying is, this whole thing might be my fault.
I would be a liar and an idiot if I didn't thank Sarah Palin for helping get me here tonight, my partial resemblance and her crazy voice are the two luckiest things that ever happened to me.
Politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like her is good for all women — except, of course, those who will end up paying for their own rape kit and stuff. But for everybody else, it’s a win-win. Unless you’re a gay woman who wants to marry your partner of 20 years. Whatever. But for most women, the success of conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in evolution. You know — actually, I take it back. The whole thing’s a disaster.*
All kidding aside, I'm so proud to represent American humour. I'm proud to be American. I'm proud to make my home in the Not Real America. And I am most proud that even during trying times, like an orange alert, or a bad economy, or a contention election, that we as a nation retain out sense of humour. Anyway, I don't wanna go on and on, because I know we still have to talk about the other four nominees, so thank you and good night.
* it was widely reported afterwards that this paragraph was censored from the PBS broadcast.
Russell Brand: 'Best TV Performer in a non-acting role ... on Wednesdays', Broadcasting Press Guild Awards - 2007
23 March, 2007, United Kingdom
[no transcript - if you source one, email submissions@speakola.com]
Dustin Hoffman: 'We are laughed at when we are up here, sometimes, for thanking', Oscar acceptance, 1980
14 April 1980, Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, Los Angeles, USA
Thank you. [Inspects the Oscar.] He has no genitalia and he's holding a sword. I'd like to thank my parents for not practicing birth control.
I'm up here with mixed feelings. I've been critical of the Academy, and for reason. I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to be able to work. I am greatly honored for being chosen by the producer, Stanley Jaffe, and the director, Bob Benton, and to have worked in a family with them, and with Meryl and with Justin, who if he loses again we'll have to give him a lifetime achievement award. And to Jane Alexander and to Jerry Greenberg and to Néstor and to the crew on the film who was part of that family.
And to the crew and to the directors like Bob Fosse and Mike Nichols and John Schlesinger that I've worked with before.
We are laughed at when we are up here, sometimes, for thanking. But when you work on a film you discover that there are people who are giving that artistic part of themself that goes beyond a paycheck, and they are never up here. And many of them are not members of the Academy, and we never hear of them. But this Oscar is a symbol, I think, and it is given for appreciation from those people whom we never see. They are part of our life.
I refuse to believe that I beat Jack Lemmon, that I beat Al Pacino, that I beat Peter Sellers. I refuse to believe that Robert Duvall lost.
We are a part of an artistic family. There are sixty thousand actors in this Academy – pardon me – in the Screen Actors Guild, and probably a hundred thousand in Equity. And most actors don't work, and a few of us are so lucky to have a chance to work with writing and to work with directing. Because when you're a broke actor you can't write; you can't paint; you have to practice accents while you're driving a taxi cab.
And to that artistic family that strives for excellence, none of you have ever lost and I am proud to share this with you. And I thank you.