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For Amy Cohn: 'Once we were mistaken for a lesbian couple, and I remember feeling incredibly proud that they thought I could pull someone like Amy', by Rosie Francis - 2015

June 6, 2017

28 November 2015, Arc One Gallery at Cumulus Inc, Melbourne, Australia

Amy appeared through the Minimax automatic doors like a vision, in Scanlan & Theodore and Patrick Cox, and in her ponytail was a flower from the garden at Tregenna Court.  Somewhere between the Portmeirion soup tureens and Reidel claret glasses we became fast friends.

We gigged our way through Saturdays in those pre-mobile phone, still living at home halcyon days, where I got to know to Ames’ adoring parents Ann & Michael, and enjoyed a chin wag with Phil, Jake or Macca - whoever happened to answer the phone.

I was in awe of my new friend … she had a full week of lectures (I had 5 contact hours, but watching films was on top of that).  YET Amy had time to be at Minimax, was comprehensively across local and international issues, swam laps without stopping at the end of the lane, could tell you her picks for the weekend given Hocking’s recent hamstring, was rapidly adding vocab to her strengthening Italian, and was half-way through reading ‘A Suitable Boy’.   She was unlike anyone I’d met, and it wasn’t long after meeting Amy that I rushed into the Piercing Urge to get a matching belly-button ring, and took stroke correction classes at Nth Fitzoy pool.

I wondered if Amy was perfect.  I’m ashamed to say it gave me a small, tiny pleasure to learn - for instance - that Amy has one leg an inch shorter than the other.  It’s true!  I’ve borrowed her pants before and it was like ‘am I wearing capris or bell-bottoms here?’  She also has a bladder the size of a small birds.

Amy introduced me to Triple J, tofu, the power nap, eating tomato on toast with vegemite, shabbat, and g-strings.  I wouldn’t say most of those are still in my life, but I do think of her still when I have vegemite on toast with tomato.

Amy is the kind of uber-girl, who is as comfortable meeting the Thai Royal Family, as she is in a pride of Cats supporters at Kardinia Park.  Or shmoozing with A-listers like Geoffrey Rush who demanded that she be his proctologist.  Which is just disgusting.  But an indication on the effect this woman has.

Once we were mistaken for a lesbian couple, and I remember feeling incredibly proud that they thought I could pull someone like Amy. 

Delightfully full of contractions, Amy is the scientist who loves going to the theatre, the home-body who loves to live overseas, and is the fashionista who was wearing Ugg boots long long before they were on trend.

In those early days, I also learnt that Amy has a passport and she wasn’t afraid to use it.  My very first trip to America was joining Amy & Leila half-way through their drive across the country.  Since then, we have walked arm in arm through the cobbled streets of Bath, and been dumped buy surf in more than one ocean.  I have seen that smile on the back of a vespa in Paris at midnight, watched those toes dancing on a window sill in Manhattan, and marveled as those shoulders butterflied across Lake Como.  (We have also shared some beautiful moments in Launceston and Albury, but it doesn't quite sound the same.)

I just always assumed that Amy would go on to be a complete star ophthalmologist, study at the best eye hospital in the world, marry a dashingly handsome man, and become a wonderful mum to 3 beautiful children, but that’s not to say that it wasn't hard hard yakka, and that there weren’t setbacks along the way, which she overcame with determination and grace.  (One setback was when aged 13 it dawned on Amy that she would never compete at an Olympics.)

She's a star, that's for sure.  And to conclude, aren't we the lucky ones to be sharing tonight with our beautiful friend.

Happy Birthday Amy!

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In 40th Tags ROSIE FRANCIS, AMY COHN, FRIENDS, BIRTHDAY, 40TH
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Christine Boyle and Mick Sheehy: 'The one I wed', joint 45th birthday - 2016

March 29, 2017

26 November 2016, Melbourne, Australia

THE ONE I WED

(Christine’s poem about Mick)

The one I wed is pretty cool -

yeah the ego’s healthy, but he isn’t a fool

he’s the smartest man I’ve ever met

and yet, its almost daily that he’ll forget

 

Where he’s left his phone, his sunnies or keys

and always past the hour he’s due to leave

but by now I know how it goes, this plot

the thing is wherever he swears it is not

 

But I love him still, this Mick of ours

notwithstanding his love of bogan cars

when I pictured my wedding as a little kid

I never imagined having photos on a Monaro rig

 

And there you have it, his irresistible charm

it can change my mind and twist my arm

EG – going camping in 8 month pregnant form

car is bogged, there’s a massive sandstorm

 

Mick,”I better drive babe, it’s gonna be hard to steer”

Me: “ok babe I’ll just push at the rear”!

And push I did:

 

For it seems my love has no bounds

for this gorgeous man; and his love of sounds

yes sounds of all sorts as long as they’re LOUD

when Mick watches TV, it is heard in McLeod.

 

And despite being half deaf he does love his tunes

from 8os electronica to those Nine Inch Nail goons

and the dreaded Hot Chip –will that ever stop?

Unfortunately for me, apparently not.

 

But his passion for music is what’s been his drive

to pick up guitar post 35

and practice the skin off his fingers no less

to ensure that tonight you guys won’t rest…

 

But more of that later let’s get back to the dude

who stokes my love fire and brightens my mood…

 

He’s a renaissance man – he can do it all

Helm a Sydney to Hobart yacht through a deathly squall

Become an expert in the field of legal innovation

give lectures at conferences on digitization -

 

whatever that means – people think he’s a star

and no doubt they’re right - but they don’t know how far

he has come since wagging every Wednesday arvo

for twilight sailing in Sydney Harbour…

 

He runs, play tennis and is accomplished at art

Nothing’s unachievable for this nearly old fart.

 

But for me without doubt, his greatest skill

is his commitment to family with passion and zeal.

As husband and father his equal is none

(and I’ve consulted on this with his daughter and sons):

 

He’s a patient dad and always fun

He’s even taught them chess and only most times won,

 

He’s upright and moral and he makes me so proud,

He’s kind and supportive, even when I’m being a cow.

 

So happy birthday, Mick, the one that I wed

I know I’ll want for no-one else, ‘til the day I’m dead

 

 

 

 

SONG: I've Never Been To Me (Christine And Mick)

 

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In 40th Tags CHRISTINE BOYLE, MICK SHEEHY, POEM, HUSBAND, WIFE, 45TH, BIRTHDAY
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Dana's 40th: 'All of those moments involve people I love, and music I love' - 2016

December 14, 2016

3 December 2016, Melbourne, Australia

I reckon a 40th birthday can’t go by without saying something to mark it. The first thing that needs to be said is HOW FUCKING SPECTACULAR everyone looks. I find it hard to believe that there are 50 better looking people on the planet right now. Or 50 cleverer, funnier, kinder, quirkier people for that matter. If I had to rate how grateful I am to have you lot as my friends, I’d be off the charts. Cos you are all fucking top shelf. And I have had the most incredible birthday week. They say at my son’s kinder that when someone does something kind for you, they are filling up your bucket. Well my bucket is seriously overflowing. I need an Olympic size swimming pool for all the kindness I’ve received. Huge vats of kindness have poured in especially from my dearest husbie who finally managed to surprise me not once but three times in the past week, and my dearest friend K, who put together that fucking amazing celebration jar, so that my festival of birthday will last the whole freaking year. Unbelievable. I also want to give a huge shout out to K and J who came from Tassie to be here. And all the rest of you who have come from as far as 5 km away.

Mostly though I want to say that having all you lot help me enter the new decade by pretending we’re all still living in a previous decade is THE BEST. We all know that life has plenty of shadows and storms (especially life in Melbourne – and especially this shit of a year for the world out there) but birthdays to me are an opportunity to look back on all the best and sunniest moments of life so far, including this one right now, because let’s face it, those moments are what propel us on through the storms. And when I mentally gather up all my funnest moments, they have 2 things in common: they all involve people I love, and music I love. That’s one of the reasons why putting together the soundtrack for tonight was so much fun, because it was like musical time travel through all those best moments. And you guys all feature in that best-of party retrospective, whether it be:

·         lifting the roof off the Thornbury Theatre at Westgarth Idol

·         having an impromptu home disco with the kids

·         being blown away by brilliant gigs

·         smashing the dance floor at international conferences

·         singing in a choir

·         putting together a makeshift band for friends birthdays and weddings

·         dancing the night away

·         spending every weekend seeing or playing in indie Perth bands at the Grosvenor

·         travelling across Australia to see our favourite band

·         getting home from school and immediately picking up the phone to spend 3 hours reading through U2 lyrics

·         getting busted by the school principal for using the school hall to play Nirvana songs at full volume at 8am on a Wednesday morning

All of those moments contain people I love, and music I love. So I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate my 40th birthday than to dance the night away with people I love, to music I love.  So I propose not three cheers, but four cheers – one for each of the last 4 decades and its people and music – hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray! hip hip hooray!

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In 40th Tags DANA, 40th, BIRTHDAY, MUSIC, SPEAKOLIES 2016
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For Caz and Justin's 40th: 'I love you just the way you are', by Justin - 2013

December 2, 2015

23 March 2013, Melbourne, Australia

Thank you all for coming. And for getting into the theme -- 'It used to be cool'.. There are only 12 Tom Cruises here, and no other Maverick in the suit, so thank you to whoever coordinated that.

We were unsure for a long time if we wanted to have a 40th – until 7:25pm tonight, to be precise. But looking around the room now, it seems so obvious to me why we decided to do this. And it is you. We are so busy, all of us, and there is never enough time to spend with each other. But you mean the world to us, and this is a special time for us. Thank you for coming.

So I can say with absolute certainty now that we are over the moon to be having a party for our 40th - and not, say, what many of you have done and gone overseas, business class, without the kids, staying in a beautiful hotel. You bastards.

There are some people who deserve special mention. …

To our parents, thank you for having us and for everything you have done since. My family is the small, quiet and stoic type. Caroline’s family is the large, loud and complaining type. But somehow we all get along, and there is never a shortage of laughter. We could not wish for better parents and families.

Laini and Paul have come down from Sydney. A group of us went up to Sydney for Laini’s 40th last December and ever since they have had to come down to Melbourne on consecutive weekends. Thank you. It is always better when you are here.

Cam and Louise had to cancel their 40th at the last minute last weekend. We are sharing this one with you guys, and we hope this night feels a bit like it’s your celebration too. And, if it does Cam, maybe we could have a chat about defraying some of the costs?

There’s the Run For The Kids in the morning, and many of you here will be doing the run and raising money for the Royal Childrens’ Hospital. Thank you for being here. I did it last year and I know what it means to be out the night before the race. If it’s any assistance, I can say from my own experience that running with a gutful of beer and Mexican food can dramatically improve your running performance. But only for the first 70 metres. So, to help you get through the rest of the race, what I have decided to do is donate $1 to RCH for every alcoholic drink you consume after 10pm. Which means that if you don’t drink, you will be denying sick children important medical equipment.

To my barrister friends from Joan Rosanove Chambers.  In case you don’t recognise them, they are the older people handing out business cards … and their younger, good looking partners. There are very few people who can say they work every day in a professional environment of the highest calibre.  I envy those people.  In all seriousness, without the support and friendship of everyone on the 4th floor - and Matt, Rodney and James, in particular - life at the Bar would be a vastly different and inferior experience.

And the kids. Daisy has gone to bed, but Amelie and Carter are here. Mum and I love you very much. We are immensely proud of you. And it is definitely time for bed.

Which brings me, at last, to Caroline. It’s hard to imagine we are 40, my dear, and to work out where the time went. When I saw you tonight in your little outfit and roller skates I could have sworn you were 20 again.  16, if I squint like this. 

In Caroline I found that person who is unbelievably beautiful and who laughs at my jokes, no matter how many times she has heard them. I had to marry you. No, really, I had to marry you – you gave me an ultimatum when we were 28 that, by the age of 30, you wanted to be married and pregnant, preferably in that order, and preferably to me. Obeying you was the best decision I never made.

You are smart, fun, forthright, quirky. There is never a moment that is not better for having shared it with you. Though we are built differently, we fit snugly together.

You are a quite simply a wonderful wife and Mum.  By some accounts, you are not such an easy daughter or sister, but I won’t buy into that.  You have recently resigned as a solicitor and I hope you find the vocation that harnesses your many passions and talents. I know you will. It’s such a shame they have already invented Trip Advisor, because that was your first billion dollars right there.

But I know you so well and I know what you will be thinking right now. And that is that this is all very well, but it’s just words. That this would all be so much better if it was expressed in a song, sung right here, right now, by me to you. And that by “me” you mean Hugh Jackman and by “you” you mean you. But Hugh couldn’t make it tonight – I think he’s at the Shostak bar mitzvah - and so, my dear, this could be my “Susan Boyle” moment, but it will probably be my “Meatloaf” moment. I give to you this song …

[To the tune of “Just The Way You Are”]
 
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before.
But if you did do something different
Don’t yell in the phone no more.
 
I would not leave you in charge of driving,
Not since you wrote off my mum’s car.
The tuna salads, Smooth FM ballads,
I'll take you just the way you are.
 
Don't go buying some new fashion
There’s heaps of clothes already there.
You run a household staffed by the dozen
And still you need a French au pair!?
 
I don't want Surfers in September
Not with all Bialik there.
I just want someone on a cruise ship,
I want you just the way you are.
 
I need to know that you will never miss
Another thing you meant to do.
What will it take for you to write a list,
The way that normal people do?
 
I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HON7shepdx...

Enjoyed this speech? Speakola is a labour of love and I’d be very grateful if you would share, tweet or like it. Thank you.

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In 40th Tags WIFE, SONG, PARODY SONG, BILLY JOEL, 40TH, THANK YOUS, HUSBAND, FANCY DRESS, MAVERICK, 80s
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Lyndon's 50th: 'The World's Whitest Rapper' - 2014

November 7, 2015

2014, Melbourne, Australia

Yeah I wanna thank God

He’s the universe maker

Sent his son to Earth,

Cos he’s the soul taker

Mum, I couldn’t do it alone

If it wasn’t for your pushin’

I wouldn’t be on this Earth we call home

And dad, you were there from the start

Kickin footy in the street

Kickin footy in the dark

Kardinia Park, even though we didn’t win

But we’ve won three premierships since then

I got two sister

Justine and Melinda

She’s in UAE and I kinda miss her

We started life under the same roof

I tried to hit her with a bat

But there’s no proooof

Boom boom shake shake the house

I might have played a little long

I might have played a little loud

On my electric guitar

Yeah I could make it sing

You said it sounded like an angel throwing up in the sink

We were mission kids,

Eating meat from a can

Eating weavils with our breakfast

Man it must have been Home Brand

Games with sticks

Salt lakes, big snakes

Feather foots, tribal fights and every fortnight motorbikes

YEAH!

By chance or design my rhymes are never rusty

I hadn’t heard of Slim Shady it was Whitman or Dusty

That’s right

Fast forward to 1992

I was lookin for love

The girls were looking right through me

The Man upstairs, he had other plans

While I was swimming in the ocean

Brea was kicking in the sand, we hooked up!

It was just a matter of time before

BOOM! We were married with a child

Now, this is a shout out to all my little homies

Y’all know what’s what and you all think you know me

Well kids listen up, you better keep your shizzle clean

Your dad’s the whitest rapper the world has ever seen!

Hey, I’ll pop some coke in your glass

My homeboy Finn, yeah he’s one for the ages

Give him a book and he’ll read pages and pages

And pages

For ages ... and ages

And Jet, can run and run and run all day

He wears wife beaters in the pouring rain

His brown kicks with white sneakers

There’s holes in his knees

He’s the kid in the jumper when it’s 50 degrees

My main man Mustang, he’s not fussed

When we’re all in hurry, no he’s not rushed then!

If I had believed in clairvoyancy

I’d be calling, ‘Hey catch up Datsun 180B’

Yeah, oh listen up y’all

Let me tell you about Imogen

She’s the love of my life,

My own little daughter

Me and her mum and her brothers adore her

Yeah she laughs

... like a rock rattling around in a can

And when she smiles every angel  in heaven turns round and y’all

Yeah every angel in heaven turns around

That’s right.

Keep your eyes off her.

Now I thank God

For all my family

Those who grew up with me

And those who put up with me

And now here I am,

The World’s Whitest Rapper

With the world’s shortest career in the history of ever!

That’s right

Just want to thank Neil and Kirsten Sacco

Just want to thank everyone that’s here

My family, thank youmum, thank you dad

 The is a shout out to all my relatives that aren’t here

Yeah, word up, y’all

Yeah, that’s right, we’re all doin the time,

When I’m wreckin the rhymes

So now I’m signing off for the first and last time

You won’t see me again, or remember my name

I won’t be beatin on Rhiannon or hangin with Kanye

I won’t be kickin’ it old school, or rockin’ on the mike

I won’t be pimpin’ with the homies in a suit that is white

I won’t be all like, ‘Wassup P-Diddy’

Not there’ll be none of that,

Maybe until I’m Fitty

That’s all y’all

Peace out!

Source: https://vimeo.com/83203749

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In 40th Tags RAP, PARODY, SONG, FUNNY
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Benji's 40th: 'I call this the hummus soup with tomatoes period', My Life in Food - 2012

July 16, 2015

uploaded to Youtube March 2012

No transcript available at this stage. Please submit if you have one.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S25FRVp_IA...

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In 40th Tags 40th, SONG, HUMOUR, FOOD, JEWISH
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