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For Amy Cohn: 'Once we were mistaken for a lesbian couple, and I remember feeling incredibly proud that they thought I could pull someone like Amy', by Rosie Francis - 2015

June 6, 2017

28 November 2015, Arc One Gallery at Cumulus Inc, Melbourne, Australia

Amy appeared through the Minimax automatic doors like a vision, in Scanlan & Theodore and Patrick Cox, and in her ponytail was a flower from the garden at Tregenna Court.  Somewhere between the Portmeirion soup tureens and Reidel claret glasses we became fast friends.

We gigged our way through Saturdays in those pre-mobile phone, still living at home halcyon days, where I got to know to Ames’ adoring parents Ann & Michael, and enjoyed a chin wag with Phil, Jake or Macca - whoever happened to answer the phone.

I was in awe of my new friend … she had a full week of lectures (I had 5 contact hours, but watching films was on top of that).  YET Amy had time to be at Minimax, was comprehensively across local and international issues, swam laps without stopping at the end of the lane, could tell you her picks for the weekend given Hocking’s recent hamstring, was rapidly adding vocab to her strengthening Italian, and was half-way through reading ‘A Suitable Boy’.   She was unlike anyone I’d met, and it wasn’t long after meeting Amy that I rushed into the Piercing Urge to get a matching belly-button ring, and took stroke correction classes at Nth Fitzoy pool.

I wondered if Amy was perfect.  I’m ashamed to say it gave me a small, tiny pleasure to learn - for instance - that Amy has one leg an inch shorter than the other.  It’s true!  I’ve borrowed her pants before and it was like ‘am I wearing capris or bell-bottoms here?’  She also has a bladder the size of a small birds.

Amy introduced me to Triple J, tofu, the power nap, eating tomato on toast with vegemite, shabbat, and g-strings.  I wouldn’t say most of those are still in my life, but I do think of her still when I have vegemite on toast with tomato.

Amy is the kind of uber-girl, who is as comfortable meeting the Thai Royal Family, as she is in a pride of Cats supporters at Kardinia Park.  Or shmoozing with A-listers like Geoffrey Rush who demanded that she be his proctologist.  Which is just disgusting.  But an indication on the effect this woman has.

Once we were mistaken for a lesbian couple, and I remember feeling incredibly proud that they thought I could pull someone like Amy. 

Delightfully full of contractions, Amy is the scientist who loves going to the theatre, the home-body who loves to live overseas, and is the fashionista who was wearing Ugg boots long long before they were on trend.

In those early days, I also learnt that Amy has a passport and she wasn’t afraid to use it.  My very first trip to America was joining Amy & Leila half-way through their drive across the country.  Since then, we have walked arm in arm through the cobbled streets of Bath, and been dumped buy surf in more than one ocean.  I have seen that smile on the back of a vespa in Paris at midnight, watched those toes dancing on a window sill in Manhattan, and marveled as those shoulders butterflied across Lake Como.  (We have also shared some beautiful moments in Launceston and Albury, but it doesn't quite sound the same.)

I just always assumed that Amy would go on to be a complete star ophthalmologist, study at the best eye hospital in the world, marry a dashingly handsome man, and become a wonderful mum to 3 beautiful children, but that’s not to say that it wasn't hard hard yakka, and that there weren’t setbacks along the way, which she overcame with determination and grace.  (One setback was when aged 13 it dawned on Amy that she would never compete at an Olympics.)

She's a star, that's for sure.  And to conclude, aren't we the lucky ones to be sharing tonight with our beautiful friend.

Happy Birthday Amy!

Enjoyed this speech? Speakola is a labour of love and I’d be very grateful if you would share, tweet or like it. Thank you.

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In 40th Tags ROSIE FRANCIS, AMY COHN, FRIENDS, BIRTHDAY, 40TH
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for Kate's 21st: 'Kate has a long way to go before we can say she knows enough not to support football', by Alice, Tony and Ness - 1993

August 7, 2015

17 July 1993, South Yarra, Melbourne, Australia

SPORT

Horse Riding - Ness

Football

Kate's interest in football has been, shall we say, limited. When she does her footy tipping, she does it according to how aesthetically pleasing a pattern she can make with the ticks on the page. Hey, but I can understand that. Football's not everything. But Kate has a long way to go before we can say she knows enough not to support football. Even the game's detractors should know what a handball, a mark or an Ablett look like. Kate looks quizzical whenever any of these species are mentioned. Perhaps even more disturbing was an episode back in first year when I was speaking to her about how the ball travels so quickly now from one end to the other. We should make it clear that there are approximately 7000 football grounds in Victoria, one of which you'd expect Kate would have made contact with. Indeed there are ten football grounds at Scotch College alone, one of which you know Kate would have made contact with. But if you don't want to learn you wont and Kate hasn't. Her contribution to the conversation at Uni that day was "What do you mean the other end? Are you saying there are goals at both ends of a football ground?"

MERMAIDS

Introduction - Alice

The Little Mermaid - Ness

DRIVING

Most of us regard driving as a means of getting from A to B. Kate approaches it like I approach football. Adrenalin , fear and lots of physical contact. Five side mirrors, one bumper bar, two panels, countless scratches - Victoria could solve a lot of its transport accident problems if it could just keep Kate offthe road. When that little red Laser came offthe production line I bet it thought to itself

"I'm going to have a happy life. Beep! Beep!, Beep! Beep! yeah!." I went outside to have a chat to it before and it could muster up just one solitary word, "Bugger".

Going for licence - Alice

Getting Out of the Garage - Ness

DATING

A few weeks back, Kate put on a show at an LSS pleasant Thursday Night function that threatened to make the night particularly pleasant for any of a dozen lucky fellows. The next morning I decided to have a chat with her.

"Kate, why don't you retire from flirting for a while? You know, hang up the push up bra." After describing the previous night's events to her she readily agreed. Only later did it come to my attention that Kate had then proceeded to kiss three guys in the next seven days. We have done a few calculations, drawn up a spreadsheet and made one of those pie charts everyone likes so much and worked out that if Kate continues at this rate throughout her ‘retirement’ she should kiss 766.5 men by the year 2000.

MERIMBULA NIGHT CLUB

What would you do if you were in a Merimbula nightclub and you didn't have enough cash for that last vodka and raspberry. Go home? Go to the Autobank outside? Not Kate. Her action plan goes (or at least went something like this)

"'Ssscuse me Mr Bartender, could I please have a vodka and raspberry? "

"Certainly, that will be five dollars ... "

"Sssscuse me Mr Bartender, I haven't got five dollars. Does that matter?"

"Yes ma'am, I think it does."

‘Aww go on, let me have it for free ..."

It was at this point that Kate decided to make her contribution to the women's movement. To fight against sexual belittlement, patriarchy and the subordination of women.

"If you give me it, I’ll make it worth your while."

Her nickname suddenly became, Katherine McKinnaKate

ALCOHOL

No 21st speech is really complete without the obligatory vomit story. How Kate came to be kneeling in front of the toilet in Drummond Street is immaterial ... let's say ... she had gastro. But kneeling and vomiting she was and with gut wrenching velocity. The point of the story is that on one of these gut wrenches, Kate being the together person she is, she whacked her mouth on the bowl and chipped a tooth. The world has been led to believe that the tooth was damaged in a bizarre boiled lolly fiasco. This is a lie that besmirches boiled lollies past present and future. Tonight we put that lie to the good, boiled lollies! Tonight we speak for the boiled lollies, for they have no tongues! It was her who did it. Her!

DRESS AND VANITY

Only a couple of weeks ago, Kate discovered to her discomfort the meaning of the old adage "if something aint wrong, don't fix it'. Prior to SF’s 2lst, Kate gazed into the mirror and complained that her lips "were not pouty enough". In a last minute attempt to rectify the situation, Kate did what any reasonable person would do in a quest for more poutiness — she sucked on a chile. Unfortunately, she began to look disturbingly more and more like Mick Jagger as the seconds ticked by. Some of us wondered if she was about to sing 'Jumping Jack Flash" in her infamous vibrato soprano. She went to bed for an hour, sucked on some ice, and was well enough to spit water in my face by 10.30.

SPEAKING AND ELOCUTION

Most of you would be aware that Kate is well spoken. On occasions, Kate takes her penchant for copybook English to extreme lengths. The thing that sets her apart, even from other Lauriston girls, is the way she says blue". Bluuuue , bluuuue, My favourite colour's bluuuue". This world would be a much more peaceful place if everybody said blue like that. "Hey mate, get outside right now and I'll f*ckin bluuue ya." If everybody spoke like Kate, bar fights would be a thing of the Past.

NICE BIT

... as long as she doesn't call her son Hugo or Sebastian.

... as long as she stops signing her middle name as Artemisia

Ness

Alice

 

 

 

Enjoyed this speech? Speakola is a labour of love and I’d be very grateful if you would share, tweet or like it. Thank you.

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In 21st Tags DRIVING, 21st, FRIENDS, JOINT SPEECH
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for Isabella 21st 'If you're expecting a graceful partner in life, maybe reconsider' - 2011

August 5, 2015

Uploaded to YouTube 2011

No transcript for this one. Please submit if one is available.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJKDeJJFr4...

Enjoyed this speech? Speakola is a labour of love and I’d be very grateful if you would share, tweet or like it. Thank you.

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In 21st Tags 21st, FRIENDS, YOUTUBE
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