17 July 1993, South Yarra, Melbourne, Australia
Horse Riding - Ness
Kate's interest in football has been, shall we say, limited. When she does her footy tipping, she does it according to how aesthetically pleasing a pattern she can make with the ticks on the page. Hey, but I can understand that. Football's not everything. But Kate has a long way to go before we can say she knows enough not to support football. Even the game's detractors should know what a handball, a mark or an Ablett look like. Kate looks quizzical whenever any of these species are mentioned. Perhaps even more disturbing was an episode back in first year when I was speaking to her about how the ball travels so quickly now from one end to the other. We should make it clear that there are approximately 7000 football grounds in Victoria, one of which you'd expect Kate would have made contact with. Indeed there are ten football grounds at Scotch College alone, one of which you know Kate would have made contact with. But if you don't want to learn you wont and Kate hasn't. Her contribution to the conversation at Uni that day was "What do you mean the other end? Are you saying there are goals at both ends of a football ground?"
Introduction - Alice
The Little Mermaid - Ness
Most of us regard driving as a means of getting from A to B. Kate approaches it like I approach football. Adrenalin , fear and lots of physical contact. Five side mirrors, one bumper bar, two panels, countless scratches - Victoria could solve a lot of its transport accident problems if it could just keep Kate offthe road. When that little red Laser came offthe production line I bet it thought to itself
"I'm going to have a happy life. Beep! Beep!, Beep! Beep! yeah!." I went outside to have a chat to it before and it could muster up just one solitary word, "Bugger".
Going for licence - Alice
Getting Out of the Garage - Ness
A few weeks back, Kate put on a show at an LSS pleasant Thursday Night function that threatened to make the night particularly pleasant for any of a dozen lucky fellows. The next morning I decided to have a chat with her.
"Kate, why don't you retire from flirting for a while? You know, hang up the push up bra." After describing the previous night's events to her she readily agreed. Only later did it come to my attention that Kate had then proceeded to kiss three guys in the next seven days. We have done a few calculations, drawn up a spreadsheet and made one of those pie charts everyone likes so much and worked out that if Kate continues at this rate throughout her ‘retirement’ she should kiss 766.5 men by the year 2000.
MERIMBULA NIGHT CLUB
What would you do if you were in a Merimbula nightclub and you didn't have enough cash for that last vodka and raspberry. Go home? Go to the Autobank outside? Not Kate. Her action plan goes (or at least went something like this)
"'Ssscuse me Mr Bartender, could I please have a vodka and raspberry? "
"Certainly, that will be five dollars ... "
"Sssscuse me Mr Bartender, I haven't got five dollars. Does that matter?"
"Yes ma'am, I think it does."
‘Aww go on, let me have it for free ..."
It was at this point that Kate decided to make her contribution to the women's movement. To fight against sexual belittlement, patriarchy and the subordination of women.
"If you give me it, I’ll make it worth your while."
Her nickname suddenly became, Katherine McKinnaKate
No 21st speech is really complete without the obligatory vomit story. How Kate came to be kneeling in front of the toilet in Drummond Street is immaterial ... let's say ... she had gastro. But kneeling and vomiting she was and with gut wrenching velocity. The point of the story is that on one of these gut wrenches, Kate being the together person she is, she whacked her mouth on the bowl and chipped a tooth. The world has been led to believe that the tooth was damaged in a bizarre boiled lolly fiasco. This is a lie that besmirches boiled lollies past present and future. Tonight we put that lie to the good, boiled lollies! Tonight we speak for the boiled lollies, for they have no tongues! It was her who did it. Her!
DRESS AND VANITY
Only a couple of weeks ago, Kate discovered to her discomfort the meaning of the old adage "if something aint wrong, don't fix it'. Prior to SF’s 2lst, Kate gazed into the mirror and complained that her lips "were not pouty enough". In a last minute attempt to rectify the situation, Kate did what any reasonable person would do in a quest for more poutiness — she sucked on a chile. Unfortunately, she began to look disturbingly more and more like Mick Jagger as the seconds ticked by. Some of us wondered if she was about to sing 'Jumping Jack Flash" in her infamous vibrato soprano. She went to bed for an hour, sucked on some ice, and was well enough to spit water in my face by 10.30.
SPEAKING AND ELOCUTION
Most of you would be aware that Kate is well spoken. On occasions, Kate takes her penchant for copybook English to extreme lengths. The thing that sets her apart, even from other Lauriston girls, is the way she says blue". Bluuuue , bluuuue, My favourite colour's bluuuue". This world would be a much more peaceful place if everybody said blue like that. "Hey mate, get outside right now and I'll f*ckin bluuue ya." If everybody spoke like Kate, bar fights would be a thing of the Past.
... as long as she doesn't call her son Hugo or Sebastian.
... as long as she stops signing her middle name as Artemisia