17 June 2014, Southwest Airlines flight San Francisco to Chicago, USA
...Boeing 737 700 series aircraft.
In the event you haven’t been in an automobile since 1960, flight attendants still have to show you how to fasten a seatbelt. So to fasten a seatbelt you do this, to unfasten the seatbelt you do that, and that seatbelt needs to be low and tight across your hips just like the hot pink Speedo I’m gonna be wearing when I finally get the three of us to a hotel hot tub tonight.
Folks, if you don’t like the jokes or the service today, there are six ways out of this airplane. You feel free to use them. There's two forward exit doors, two over-wing window exits and two rear exit doors, the signs on the ceiling and disco lights on the floor shall lead you to these exits.
In the seat back pocket in front of you the safety information card shows safety features of the aircraft, as well as our evacuation processes. Please take a moment to look it over. And in the event that our captain decides to turn the love airline Southwest Airline into a cabin cruise today, we're going to instruct you in how to remove the life vest from underneath the seat, and folks please, it is a life vest not a toilet seat cover. You place it over your head, you bring the black strap around your tiny little waist, you snap it in front and pull to tighten. To inflate the life vest after you exit the aircraft you pull down on the red tab and for those of you that have to do absolutely everything the most difficult way, well you blow into that red tube located at the shoulder, the very best of luck to you with that, and then kick paddle over to the shore. The cabin crew will be behind you shortly, you'll be able to recognise us, we'll be the ones carrying the liquor kit, and thefamous fresh peanuts.
Now the ladies passing through the cabin at this time to make sure your shoes and socks and handbags match - I'm so sorry, but what I noticed during the boarding process, an awful lot of you need a little fashion consultation.
Folks, underneath that seat, kick it, cram it and shove it all the way underneath.
We're booked the non smoking flight over to Chicago today for three hours and thirty, but for those of you that have to enjoy a cigarette today, we have two entertainment lounges for you. One's out there on the left wing and the other one's right across the hall on the right wing. And if you think you are talented enough to light it, you can certainly smoke it.
The rest of us, well we're going to enjoy two feature films this evening, Gone with the Wind, and Bye Bye Birdie. Ladies and gentlemen, the message is clear and very very simple -- do not be naughty in that pottie, leave the webcam alone or you end up on Youtube next week, oh it's $2200 for tampering with the smoke detector in the lavatory, and you know if you had $2200 you'd be on United Airline, in first class and not ....
And the ladies and I certainly wouldn't have shown up for work tonight if we had anticipated a decompression, but in the event of a decompression, four bright yellow buttercup masks designed by Gucci & Martha Stewart -- well they're gonna drop from that compartment overhead, and to start the flow of oxygen you have to first stop screaming. You let go of the person next to you, you reach up there for that mask, fully extending the plastic tubing, place it over your big nose and mouth and you continue wearing that mask until otherwise notified by one your three uniformed crew members.
As the crew members that you'll see running around our cabin naked today, they just simply cannot be trusted. Now ladies, for those of you that are travelling with someone that's going to need your special assistance, ladies, you know who I'm talking about, that very dear husband of yours. Ladies, you may want to take my advice, sit back, think about it for a bit... diamonds! diamonds!
For those of you travelling with your children, ...why?
For those of you that are travelling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking? But when those masks fall, you'll want to put the mask on the bright one, that one's going to contribute to your retirement most successfully.
Ladies and gentlemen, do us a favour today, sit back, relax, enjoy our hospitality, or you can sit up and be tense, that choice is yours. The pleasure to serve you today is certainly ours. Now, one final message for you. (sings) We love you, you love us, we're much faster than the bus, we hope you enjoy our hospitality, marry one of us and you'd fly free.
Now folks you have three hours and thirty minutes to think about that proposal, but you need to know that one of us is a little higher maintenance than the other two.