14 April 2014, Southwest Airlines, flight to Salt Lake City, USA
Can I pretend to have your attention for just a few moments, my ex husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce attorney are going to show you the safety features of the Boeing 737 800 series, it's been a long day for me.
To properly fasten your seatbelts, slide the flat into the buckle to release, to release lift up the buckle. Position your seatbelt tight and low across your hips, just like my grandmother wears her support bra.
[Inaudible], there are eight ways to get there, two forward exit doors, two short wing window exits, two more exit doors, signs over head, disco lights on the floor lead to each exit.
Everybody gets a door prize in the seat back pocket in front of you along with dirty daipers, chewing gum wrappers, banana peels and all the other gifts you leave for us from time to time. It's a safety information card, take it out, check it out, you'll notice in the highly unlikely event that the captain lands us near a hot tub, everybody gets their very own teeny weeny yellow Southwest bikini. One size fits all, take it out unfold it, place your it over your head, wrap that strap around your waist, buckle it in front, pull it tight. Once outside pull down on the red tag to inflate, to manually inflate blow in that tube at your shoulder.
Flight attendants are coming by, hoping that you'll tell them how good looking they are, they're gonna make sure that you seat backs and tray table are in the full upright (inaudible) position possible. And your carry-on items are crammed and stuffed completely under the seat in front of you, leaving absolutely no room for your knees or feet.
As you know it's a no smoking, no whining, no complaining flight. It's a please and thank you and 'you're such a good looking flight attendant flight'. Smoking is never allowed on board the Southwest, if you are caught smoking in the lavatory, the fine for that is $2000, and if you wanted to pay that for your airfare then you should have flown somebody else.
If we do make you that nervous the next hour and a half, you're more than welcome to step outside, we don't discriminate at Southwest, we've a special smoking section just for you. We'll even going to show you a movie tonight, we have Up In The Air, and the flight attendant serving you is Wendy, and her motto is: 'if you can light it you can smoke it'.
Anyboard caught tampering with, disabling or destroying any smoke detector or webcam in either of the lavatories -- federal aviation regulation requires passenger compliance, provide passenger information saves the ... basically just do what we say and nobody gets hurt.
And although we never anticipate the loss in cabin pressure, if we did we certainly wouldn't be at work tonight, but if needed the oxygen masks will drop from the compartment overhead, stop screaming, let go of your neighbour, pull onto that plastic tubing 'til it's fully extended, place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. To activate the flow of oxygen, simply insert 75 cents for the first minute and (inaudible). Although the plastic bag may not inflate, you are receiving lots and lots of gin, oxy-gin that is.
And if you're travelling with small children, we're sorry. If you're travelling with more than one child, pick out the one you think might have the most earning potential down the road. And if you're travelling with someone needing very special assistance, like your husband, bless, sorry, or your wife, put on your mask first. That's it for the do's and don't's show and tell, sit back and relax, or you can sit up and be tense, either way is (inaudible).
Seriously, if there is anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable please tell us -- just as soon as we land in Salt Lake City. And if there's anything you can do to make our flight more enjoyable, we'll tell you immediately. We're not shy in the Southwest. That's what we call very cheap entertainment, nobody had to pay extra, but you certainly don't get a refund.
That's it from me and Southwest, welcome aboard.