13 February 2019, Epping Boys High School, Sydney, Australia

First of all could I ask you please to express your thanks to Tim O’Brien, to Nic McInerney, and to everyone here at Epping Boys High School who have made today possible. The support the School has given us over the past two and a half weeks has been nothing short of extraordinary, and that support has been crucial in getting us through that very difficult period.

This place was such an influential part of Ben’s life that there could be, other than perhaps our home, no more appropriate place to hold this Celebration. And as I look around at the number of people that have gathered today I feel safe in saying we made a wise choice to come here.

When you become a parent, particular as a father of boys, there is more than a little apprehension that comes with that about the responsibility of setting the right example for them. What I didn’t anticipate, and what has become one of the great joys of my life, is that as our boys transitioned to young men it was them who would be teaching me lessons.
And on that subject, before I go on to talk about Ben, I would like to take a few moments to mention the tall, very handsome young man who spoke just before me. From a young age Tim has set a wonderful example to his family, his peers, and the world around him about what it means to be a good person. I have been, and I remain in awe of all his wonderful qualities – his humility, his empathy, his inner strength, that quiet confidence he carries that not once in his entire life, notwithstanding his many talents, have I ever seen descend into arrogance. More importantly perhaps than any of those things, Tim has demonstrated to me that it is possible to go through your life without ever making an enemy. Tim, we are so lucky to have you.

And so to Ben.

Back at Christmas time in 2015, which was the year Ben concluded his time here at Epping Boys, I wrote Linda, Tim and Ben a letter trying to explain, as best I could, how grateful I was to have the three of them in my life, and why. I’m so grateful to Laura and Tim, who were going through Ben’s room a week or so ago, for their discovery that Ben had kept the letter I gave him back then throughout those three intervening years. In that letter, amongst other things, I listed, for each of the three of them, the qualities I most loved about them. For Ben, it was these.

I love your passion for the things that are important to you

If Ben decided he was going to do something, then he was all in. There were no half measures with Ben. Although this might sometimes have meant that he was a bit like a bull at a gate, most of the time the result of his efforts were outstanding – whether that was organising the Year 10 formal, or putting together and managing a new soccer team, or arranging a special night out with Laura, he was totally committed to the task at hand.

I love the fact that you see the power of knowledge, and that you genuinely love to learn

I truly believe that Ben was one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. And not because he could remember stuff and regurgitate it when required. But because once he learnt something he really knew and understood it. And that’s such a significant distinction in my book – the difference between remembering something, and really understanding it. Ben’s results at Macquarie University in the Advanced Science course that he was undertaking I think support what I’m saying. His Academic Transcript indicates that of 20 completed subjects in which merit grades were awarded he recorded 15 High Distinctions and 5 Distinctions – no Passes, no Credits – leaving him with a Grade Point Average of 4.0, which is the highest GPA possible. I think this also reinforces my first point; if Ben had a passion for something, as he so obviously did for his University studies, then he would perform at a level that most of us can only aspire to. And if I might digress for just a moment, I’d like to pay tribute to the staff at Macquarie University, and in particular the Department of Molecular Sciences, for the inspiration they provided to Ben these past three years as he sought to make his mark on the world around him, for the compassion and support they’ve shown to us this past fortnight, and for the extraordinary honour they are affording Ben, of which I believe you will be hearing more shortly.

I love your loyalty to your friends

I don’t think I need to tell you guys and girls here who Ben called “friend” – and there are a lot of you – what you meant to Ben. I know I don’t need to tell you because you’ve shared with us the way Ben approached his friendships with you. If you called him in the middle of the night needing a lift home he would be there; if no one else would dance with you, he would be there; if you had just broken up with your girlfriend, he would be there; if you were feeling depressed, or worse, Ben would sense that, and he would be there. There are so many of you out there who know who and what Ben was, and it seems clear from what you have told us that you are so much the better for it.

I love that I can see some of me in you

Ben was the youngest son of a youngest son of a youngest son. As a young man I think it’s fair to say he was a little self absorbed, and that trouble and disaster were his close companions. He was cheeky, and he was more than happy to be the centre of attention – in fact at times he insisted on it. I suspect some, indeed possibly all of these qualities may have been inherited.

Which leads me to the next item

I love that you are far more accomplished and successful in so many areas than I was at your age

Although Ben did indeed present challenges to his teachers and parents alike for many years, the fact is that the last Ben we will ever know was the sort of young man any girlfriend would be happy to bring home to Mum and Dad, any grandparent would be delighted to introduce to their friends, any sibling would be honoured to call brother, and any parent would be proud to call their son. Ben learnt lessons so fast, much faster than I ever did, about what it takes to be a good man. And if we feel the need to explain how he did that, we need look no further than the place in which we find ourselves today. This School has changed the lives of many thousands of boys for more than 50 years now; but nothing I say today can come close to expressing how grateful we are for the young man you delivered back to us after we entrusted him into your care all those years ago.
Don’t get me wrong, that cheekiness, and the tear-arse nature, that were such an integral part of Ben’s personality as a young man, never left him. But the humanity, the sense of responsibility, and the leadership that made Ben the person we will remember forever with such love and admiration were forged here, I have no doubt about that.

I love that you are willing to give honest answers to difficult questions

You would have gathered from Linda’s story earlier that Ben demanded honesty from those around him, especially us. If he asked a direct question you better believe he expected a direct answer; as a result of which Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, to name just a few, were on borrowed time at our house. But to his credit he didn’t ask anything of us that he wasn’t prepared to deliver himself. Ben was a straight-shooter all his life. There were no hidden agendas with him, no airs or pretences. In a world where a lot of people are so image-conscious that they sometimes lose track of what is genuine, Ben was, as far as I am concerned, the real deal. What you saw was what you got; sometimes warts and all of course, but no less lovable for that.

I love that you have been able to form such a deep and genuine relationship with Laura

I have given the School here plenty of credit for forming the man that Ben had become, and rightly so. But there are aspects to Ben’s personality as we now know it – in particular his ability to look at the world from outside his own bubble – which may never have developed, and certainly not as quickly, or as strongly, without Laura’s influence.
These two were, to my mind, as close as a couple can get. And Ben was so much a better person because of it. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing. Laura loved Ben, loves Ben, for everything that he was, and he felt exactly the same about her. I don’t believe that he could have become the friend, brother, son that he was without you Laura – and how can we ever thank you for that. Hopefully by telling you and showing you every day from now until forever how much you mean to us, and how lucky we feel to have you in our lives. And to Laura’s parents, Tim and Maxine, and to Nick and Rachel, and Cam, thank you for making Ben feel so much a part of your family over such a long period of time; so much so that I suspect there were times Ben would gladly have made a full time swap.

And so to the last item that I wrote about Ben those three years ago

I love that your future is so bright

What do I say about that one now?

What I say is that the way Ben met the challenges of life as an adult from 2015 up to now confirms 100% what I sensed about him back then. That he was going to continue to set an example for all of us to follow. As far as I’m concerned the fact that Ben’s life has been cut tragically short won’t change that one bit. Ben packed more into his 21 years, and left more indelible memories for the rest of us, than many people who have lived much longer lives than he.

I said at Ben’s funeral service on Monday, and I say it again to all of you today; I have never seen Ben happier with all aspects of his life collectively than he was in 2019. So if we had to lose him, I am so glad I can carry forward the knowledge that his life was an extraordinary gift – to him, and to all of us.

I started off talking about the life lessons my two wonderful sons have given me. If I look for the biggest lesson that Ben has left me, and there have been many, it’s to make every day count, to make our lives count, because we none of us know how much time we have left ahead of us.

Thank you everyone, from the bottom of our hearts, for joining us here today to honour Ben, and for the incredible support that so many of you have provided to us these past 18 days. We will never forget it.

And we will never forget you Ben. I love you with all my heart, and I always will.