25 July 2018, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
Maree is the mother of Jade
Good morning. Thank you all for joining Jade’s family to celebrate her life. Our thanks also to Jill and the Millingtons for their efforts in ensuring today’s service is just right. Jade would have it no other way.
As her Mum...and her senior English teacher, I am very aware of how eloquent Jade was....and am feeling a little pressured...as I know how well she would have spoken if our roles had been reversed… as we had always expected.
So I’m sorry Jade…I’m not speaking with just a few dot points jotted on a piece of high quality paper, as you would have done… …and I may even read quite a lot…but Jade, know the words come from a place of love…they are from everyone who has reminded me of your strength, your conviction, your passion and your many other skills. A common observation from so many has been how much love and care you have always given to others, we worry that perhaps you didn’t take enough time to care for yourself.
Phil, thank you for allowing me to pay tribute to Jade on behalf of you, Ben and Eliot, Jade’s grandmother Marjorie and her sister Katie, your Mum Leonie, and although he is no longer with us, your father Graeme, Jade’s father Vynn and partner, Chrissie, my partner, Denis and each of our extended families.
As Phil and I have discussed, Jade’s passing cannot define the life of a wife and Mum, a granddaughter, a daughter and daughter in law, a sister and sister in law, a niece, a work colleague, a volunteer and a friend. As each of you know, Jade was so much more than the darkness that has sometimes overcome her throughout her life and obviously became too much for her to bear last week.
I’m sure since losing Jade, we have all reflected on our times with her, the fun, the discussions…ok ..discussion may be an euphemism for heated arguments about issues and causes Jade passionately believed in… the placards…the marches… the great food…the themed parties...the quirky costumes, the black tie fundraising balls …the dress up nights… and the very, very clever facebook posts that we all read and loved ...and wished we could emulate.
Some of you have probably seen or received one of her beautifully bound holiday organiser booklets…each day carefully planned, costed and timed ….Lonely Planet Guides don’t hold a torch to Jade’s productions. You may even have been with her in October or April and had to try to explain what to do with the clock when we changed to or from daylight savings…for a very bright women, she never quite understood THAT concept… You may have once mentioned to Jade that you needed help to organise something…and then found that a few days later she had not only organised everything for you… she had also provided you with a colour coded manual to ensure everything ran smoothly. ….and even if you haven’t been there in person, I’m sure you have at least seen a photo of the Barker/Millhouse clan in their Christmas outfits…although I’m still not 100% convinced that Phil wasn’t the ideas man for that annual tradition.
Let’s not let the manner of Jade’s passing overshadow the joy she bought to each of us. We must hold firmly to our memories ....replay them as often as we can ...and share them with Jade and Phil’s sons Ben and Eliot every chance we have. Because these memories are what really define Jade’s 40 years of living, not the tragedy of last week.
I know many of you have sat at that big timber table at Jade and Phil’s home, enjoying Jade’s amazing cooking topped off by Phil’s decadent deserts. At that table you have been embraced by the love and laughter that their home has always exuded.
Sitting there this week thinking about the many occasions that Jade and Phil had bought together friends and family, I recalled my first memory of Jade preparing food for others.
I was at teacher’s college and came out to the kitchen early one morning to find 6 year old Jade standing on top of two sandwiches...one foot on each. She had got up early...sliced the bread....fairly thickly...and made lunch for her sister, Katie and herself. Even at that young age Jade realised that food made with love needed to also be aesthetically pleasing. She clearly understood that a sandwich 10cm high didn’t quite look right...particularly for school and day care lunch boxes!
However......already solution focussed...tiny Jade had worked out that by wrapping the sandwiches in cling wrap and carefully stepping on them to flatten them out, the sandwiches would be much more appealing. And they were.... Katie had a lovely lunch, Jade’s creative skills in the kitchen were unleashed…and her mother began to buy the sliced bread Jade actually preferred!
It will come as no surprise that although Jade went to a number, at each of her schools she quickly made friends, was elected to leadership roles, joined sports teams, performed in plays and musicals and captained the debating team, competed at regional level in swimming and state level for athletics.
Even as a child Jade was a strong believer in “If I’m going to do it...I’m really going to do it…and I’m really going to do it well”.
Jade was a beautiful swimmer and although the stroke wasn’t pretty at first, she could swim the width of the pool before she turned two. When she returned to the coast to live, Vynn encouraged and supported her swimming and most mornings she would head off to swim training in the dark before school.
Those of you have seen Jade swim will know that the training paid off….particularly if you weren’t quick enough to say that you would “just make a donation” to the cause she was raising money for and had foolishly sponsored her for each lap she swam! Often a very costly exercise.
In addition to fundraising, highlights of Jade’s adventures in the water were swimming with her grandmother, Marj and the Winter Solstice Nude Swim…she loved both! I too love Marj, so can understand the joy of spending time in the pool with her…I’m still unsure of the appeal that nudie swims in the middle of winter this close to the south pole hold.. Perhaps that is just because I’m a mainlander!
When she lived on the Gold Coast, Jade was a coastie …she has always embraced the community she lived in…she wore Billabong clothes, owned the rip curl school bags and loved the beach. The one thing Jade couldn’t manage as a coastie though ...as any of you would know if you have been to the beach or pool or an outdoor activity with Jade...was a suntan… a beautiful shade of very hot pink…no trouble…Jade could become beetroot red simply sitting under an umbrella with a rashie on if the sun was shining.
When she came to western NSW to live Jade again embraced the lifestyle...”if Im livin in the country..Im going to ride horses, muster cattle, catch wild pigs and compete in dressage… and I’m going to be a country girl, I’m going to look the part...in a very short time the billabong and rip curl were gone and Jade was rocking the RM Williams boots, the turned up collars ..the pearls and the Akubra hat. I often wonder if this was the beginning of her lifelong love of dress up!
Kate reminded me that it was around this time that Jade began to really enjoy the challenge of running. Like most kids when they come home from school, Jade’s first stop was the fridge …she would open the door…check out the fridge contents…and then work out how many ks she needed to run before eating. Pavlova was usually a 5 ker across the paddocks…and off she would go. We both obviously cooked too much as Jade quickly became an accomplished long distance and cross country runner.
When Jade left school it was time to travel...she tried Sydney and Melbourne...again...if I’m going to do a city ...I’m going to do a real city...and we got phone calls to say “I’m off to London in three days”....and off she went. Jade lived in London for two years and like most Aussies working in London spent many short breaks doing Europe and loved the snowfields, the shops, the food and the parties. Jade seized these opportunities with both hands and really enjoyed her time working overseas.
Eventually Jade returned to Australia but decided that she would spend time in the West. Ben was born there. She was incredibly proud of Ben and of being a mother. This has never changed. And Ben, I know she would be particularly proud of your courage and of all that you have done in the past week. You and Eliot are a credit to your Mum and Phil, and to your extensive network of family and friends.
Not only is Ben a great son, he was also the impetus for Jade to head east and come home to Tasmania to be close to her Dad and her grandparents.
.....and then along came Phil...and as those clever Facebook posts continually affirmed, Jade had found her great love and with Phil and her sons Ben and Eliot the “best years “ of her life began.
I understand now the romance may have been a little tentative at first…simply because Phil was a very wary of one of his workmate who also happened to be Jade’s Dad, Vynn.
Despite this wariness, Jade and Phil’s romance quickly blossomed and Katie and I were very curious to meet this wonderful man…who was just sooo amazing and sooo amazing with Ben. I’m not sure if you remember, Phil, but we met you at Darling Harbour before you both went to a Powderfinger concert. Den, Katie and I all decided there and then you were a keeper…Jade had obviously already decided that she loved you and that you were a keeper…so you were actually a goner!
The birth of Eliot was another great milestone and Jade and Phil were now a family of four. Ever the romantic, Phil proposed on the beach in Bali…when somehow they had managed to have a quiet walk …not easy when three couples and four kids are holidaying together.
At Jade and Phil’s wedding, the speeches, although written separately by very different people all had a common theme…Jade and Phil’s deep love for each other and for Ben and Eliot, their strong partnership, their tendency to “dress up” and how their very different personalities and interests complemented each other.
Jade and Phil’s strong, loving relationship provided both with the safety net to allow them to step out of their comfort zone and try new things. I know Jade didn’t love the abseiling down the Gordon Dam…I think words like terror and fear were used…but she loved Phil so much that she mastered them…or at least lowered the decibels of her screams.
My favourite photo of Jade and Phil together is when they marched in Mardi Gras. I am sure that prior to meeting Jade, parading down Oxford Street bare chested and in a kilt was not on Phil’s top one hundred…however because Jade wanted him to, Phil joined in…and although it wasn’t on his “to do” list…I now know he actually loved it!! (Phrases like “looking buff and feeling like a rock star” may have been used…I know that was certainly the social media response to Phil’s participation in the march)
We all know that Jade had a very strong sense of social justice. The majority of her career choices and her volunteering have centred on this. Jade not only believed in, she fought and worked tirelessly to ensure everyone was cared for and treated justly. Jade gave up many hours of her time to volunteer on the boards of Women’s Health and TASCARD. She spent countless hours door knocking for the Labor party candidates and organising events to raise awareness and money to fight AIDs, to combat discrimination and to promote not just acceptance but celebration of diversity… to name just a few of her endeavours. Although like most of us, she didn’t support the plebiscite; Jade was overjoyed when the marriage equality act was passed.
Whatever she did, Jade did because she cared. She also did it because she wanted to ensure the world that their sons, Ben and Eliot would grow up in was one full of love, tolerance, equality and respect for everyone.
Jade adored Ben and Eliot …and adored her role as their mother. The boys were an enormous part of her happiest years. Phil and Jade’s house was made a home not just by the love shared between the four of them, but by the physical messages of love and inspiration, the quirky and beautiful personal touches, like the photo books, the carved rocks and the endless cushions. She was constantly thinking of how she could make things better for their sons. Jade generously threw herself whole heartedly into school activities and fundraising and the boys’ many sports. Jade didn’t hesitate to manage the soccer team, be the taxi for the boys and their friends…or host an awesome birthday party for Ben and Eliot. Their holidays whether to Bali or Noosa or Bruny were all planned around what the boys would enjoy. Ben and Eliot were the centre of the universe. Phil and Jade grabbed every opportunity they could to go to Bruny with the boys and family and friends and she loved it there. She also loved social media. I’m sure I’m not the only person who waited with bated breath for the next instalment that provided a window in to the lives of the Big one and the Small one! Ben and Eliot… many people know you well because your Mum loved you so much and proudly shared her joy in all that you did with the rest of the world on facebook.
The messages of condolences all refer to the importance Jade placed on her love of the boys and Phil. Eliot and Ben, Mum loved you dearly and the love you gave to her in return made her incredibly happy.
Phil, Ben and Eliot, this past week has been tough on everyone, but particularly on each of you. Our world has been turned upside down.
We all have many questions that may never be answered. What I do know, and what those of us who have known Jade her whole life know, is that her time with Phil, Ben and Eliot and the “Millhouses” has been the best 10 years of her life. Phil, I thank you for the love, the joy and stability you and your family have given Jade in your time together. I know that you have been told countless times by many people that she loved you, Ben and Eliot . I need to say it again.
In and beyond this room are people who love and care for each of you. Phil, yours and Jade’s warmth, love and friendship have created the village required to successfully raise wonderful young men. We wish we could help ease your pain, and we want you to know that we are all here to help you in the future.
Jade you are loved by all, we are incredibly sad that for a moment you lost sight of this love. We miss you and we love you. We hope that you now rest peacefully.
Jade died on 18 July 2018.