9 June 2016, Thomas Middle School, Illinois, USA
Hello everyone. I’ve decided that since we’re in the middle of an election year, I would do my graduation speech in the style of some of the 2016 presidential candidates, along with President Obama.
Let’s begin with Donald Trump
[As Trump]
Hello and congratulations you are now getting to hear a speech from the magnificent Donald Trump. And let me just tell you that Thomas has been such a great school, I mean, quite frankly, it’s been fantastic, I mean we have had so many great experiences here. You know one of those would have to be starting foreign language.
We’re learning languages from Spain, from France, from Germany, and China. And you know, people say I don’t like China, I love China. I mean I have so many terrific friends in China. But I took Spanish, and let me tell you by the way, that it was fantastico. Moy fantastico.
And y’know, Foreign languages was one great thing, another one would have to be the showdown between the teachers themselves. We won in sixth grade, we won in seventh grade, but then we lost in eighth grade, but that’s okay, teachers, we’ll forgive you.
And let me just tell you by the way, if we have an entire team of Mr Craigs, who is fantastic by the way, he’s terrific. If we have an entire team of Mr Craigs, we will win, and we will win, and believe me, we will win.
Infact quite frankly we will win so much you’ll be sick of winning.
And again, this is such a terrific crowd, and I know you’re all loving this speech, but I have to hand it off to Senator Ted Cruz.
[as Cruz]
Thank you Donald, Let me start by saying this. God bless the great school of Thomas. You know some of the greatest memories here at TMS were in the creative arts classes. Like in family and consumer science, baking the whacky chocolate cake, or sewing our very own miniature pellets. I had a Lamborghini on it, and I can assure you that that Lambhorgini is still a throw pillow on my bed, each and every day.
Or in music class, experimenting with the different tones of the boomwhackers. Or jamming on the ukuleles, creative arts unquestionably part of the great TMS memories.
And I know that President Obama shares some of the great feelings that I have about Thomas. Isn’t that right Mr President?
[As Obama]
You know, that right Ted. I’d like to start off by thanking our excellent Principal Mr Cate, he’s done a terrific job preparing us for high school. But back to the memories. Some of the greatest memories we had were gym class and PE. We diod all the regular sports you’d expect liek basketball and soccer, but we also did some unique ones too.
Like on rainy days we’d go into the small gym and do yoga.
And I am proud to say that I have completely mastered the downward dog.
You know we also did a unit entirely on dance. Dances like the Bavarian Shoe $. And we also did some Hawaiian dancing too. In fact I remember how one of the Hawaiian songs goes, it goes a little bit like this.
I wanna go back to my little grass hut,
Where all the old Hawaiians are singing [Hawaiian]
Aloha to that.
Anyway, TMS has given us some terrific memories, and now I’d like to pass it on to Secretary Clinton.
[As Hillary Clinton]
Thank you President Obama. I’d like to start off by thanking the great hardworking teachers of Thomas Middle School. They’ve been our champions. They’ve given us the skills we need to get through sixth grade and through seventh grade and eighth grade, and now we’re going to take those skills and apply them to high school.
And thanks to our teachers we have all the skills we need to succeed in this next chapter of our lives.
And they all deserve a big round of applause.
And I know that Senator Sanders agrees with me.
[As Bernie Sanders]
Yes I do agree with the Secretary.
And hello. Thank you for allowing me to speak to you today.
Let me start with the lunches they are delicious. Things like pizzas and tacos and chips, you name it! And some of the best cinnamon rolls I’ve ever tasted!
I do have one improvement for them though. We need to make them free!
Why should students have to pay for their own cinnamon rolls, doesn’t make any sense!
What we need is a cinnamon roll revolution!
You know another great experience would have to be going to Taft. Who can forget activities such as nightlight and cross country orienteering. Or indulging ourselves into some truly delicious meals like pot roast with noodles!
And finally to conclude this entire graduation speech. I would just like to say that the bottom line is this. As far as schools go, TMS is in the top one half of one half of one percent of schools, in the entire country!
Thank you all and congratulations to the class of 2016.