Declan Fay speaking at a different event
16 November 2023, Eltham, Melbourne, Australia
Thank you teachers, parents, students, and younger siblings who really wish they were at home playing Fortnite.
So you’re probably sitting there with a lot of questions? What score will I get for VCE? What will I do next year? Who is this slightly overweight, balding comedy writer standing in front of us, when Olympian and tour de France winner Cadel Evans went to our school? Cadel may have won the Tour de France, but has he ever written a joke that made the head of the abc have to front a senate estimates enquiry? (Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that joke, because your school hasn’t paid me yet).
I finished school in 1997. A time before google, when you if you liked someone you couldn’t just google a picture of them. It was a time before bluetooth, when people on the street who looked like they were talking to themselves were actually talking to themselves.
It was a time when mobile phones were the size of house brick and no one had them. Kids definitely didn’t have them, so if you liked someone, you had to find their number in a giant book, hope you had the right house, and then speak to their actual parent and beg to speak with their child. Then if they weren’t there you had to leave a message and hoped they call back when you’re still at home. To organise one date it could take three months and series of panic attacks.
So when I finished school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. So I did the one course you do when you don’t know what to do, Arts. I didn’t even really know what Arts was, I just knew I liked some of the subjects and there was a subject where you all you had to do was watch movies. The other big plus is you only had to go for eight hours a week. That kind of appealed to me.
When I told my dad I was going to do arts, he looked like I’d just dragged a dead animal into the lounge room. And he said, “Why don’t you be a vet” This was a strange because I had no interest in being a vet. And I hadn’t done any of the subjects you needed to do to be a vet. The total extent of my experience with animals was our cat. And I didn’t even like our cat. I still don’t like cats, they just seem arrogant and aloof.
It turns out my dad wanted to be a vet, but he hadn’t done it, so now he wanted me to do it.
So I don’t want to teach any lessons, because I feel like you’re probably sick of people teaching you things, so I’ll just give pieces of advice that might or might not help…
And the first piece of advice that may or may not help is: Please don’t do something because someone else wants you to do it. You won’t be happy, then you won’t do well at it, and then you’ll resent them, and it’ll make Christmas really awkward every year. And I know all about awkward family Christmases, because I come from a family of Irish people who never discuss their feelings, until they drink too much. That’s actually my second piece of advice if you find yourself at an Irish Christmas, the second they crack out the whiskey and start singing Danny Boy, get the hell out of there.
So I started this Arts degree, and I wasn’t really enjoying it. You’d turn up and do one class in a massive theatre, then leave and never see those people again for another week. It was incredibly lonely.
And then one day I was walking out of the uni and I saw a sign which said, “Do you think you’re funny?” It was auditions for a comedy show at the university called the Melbourne University comedy review.
I walked into the audition and I was not a confident performer, and the first thing we had to do was stand in a circle and tell a funny story. It got to my turn to speak and I just froze, and I tried to speak and it was like the bit that connected my brain to my mouth short circuited, and I just kind of mumbled. The others were looking at me like is this guy, okay. I tried to speak again, does this guy have serious bowel problem.
Then I did what any mature person does who’s embarrassed themselves in front of a room of strangers… I ran out of the room. So In was standing at the mirror, And I thought if I don’t go back, I’ll never go back to a comedy audition. Plus, I’d already embarrassed myself. There wasn’t anything to lose, so I decided to go back.
Then they partner us off, and no one came near me. I didn’t blame them. Most people were probably thinking I don’t want to be with that weird sweaty guy who’s just emitting random sounds in the corner. But I get the last guy who’s left over, and he’s a really quiet guy. And before we can plan anything we get called up on stage. And this guy goes it’ll be alright, just whatever happens.
But as soon as I get up there, I completely freeze, and this guy looks at me like, “please just do something”. To this day, I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked and looked around and then did this. (*Make a very loud screech like a bird dying). And this guy looks at me like, “What are you doing?”
And then he must have panicked, because he looks around, and then goes, (*SIMILAR LOUD BIRD SCREECH). And suddenly we were two twenty year old guys squawking at each other like two animals doing some weird mating dance.
And it gets to the end and no one has laughed, if anything people were just a little bit frightened.
There was this long awkward silence, until this one girl in the corner laughed. And she goes (make nasal blocked nose laugh)… she did one of those laughs where it sounds like you nose is trying to squeeze out your brain… And that caught onto the guy next to her… who also laughed, and that caught onto the girl next to him who had one of those embarrassing laughs, and she went… (MAKE SNORT LAUGH SOUND)… And everyone knows the snort laugh is the worst laugh. If you make that noise at a party, call an uber and go home. Because you are are never coming back from the snort laugh.
But suddenly everyone in the room started laughing. And In that moment I realised everyone was nervous, it’s just that people have different ways of showing it. Some people get loud, some people get quiet, some people flap their arms and squark like a dying bird. And in that moment I just stop worrying about what everyone was thinking and I thought, I’ve got nothing left to lose here. And something just shifted in me and I thought don’t leave the room. And that’s the power of a great joke, or a big laugh, it can change the whole energy of the room, it can change the worst moment of your life into one of the funniest moments of your life. And for the rest of the audition I was like a different person, and the audition finished.
I got a phone call a few days later and I got in. And my paranoid brain thought maybe they don’t think I’m funny, maybe they just thought we’ll get that guy and if we get bored we’ll poke him and he’ll make a weird nose.
But I did that show, and I found the place I fitted in. You kind of know when you find it. You feel excited to go there. You like being there, and you don’t want to leave.
Another piece of helpful advice that you can take or leave, is whatever you decide to do, there will be moments where you massively stuff up, but don’t give up, and don’t do what I did and run out of the room, because I’ve thought alot of times if I didn’t go back, I may never have ended up in comedy, writing television. Those stuff ups are the best chance to learn, the best chance to laugh, and they often make for the best stories at the end.
And the next piece of helpful advice… comedy has taught me is to never lose your sense of humour. Even in the worst moments of your life, there will be a time where you can laugh about it down the track. Mistakes are the best chances to learn and often end up making for the best stories down the track.
So we did that show. And it was one of the best experiences of my life. And one night me and some of the other people in our show go out to the comedy festival. And everything was sold out. There was one show that still had seats. It was a show none of you would know but it was called Brian Munich and friends, and it is simply one of the most bizarre things i’ve ever seen. But it made me laugh so hard, I had tears running down my face.
But after the show I waited out side the door of the theatre. I didn’t even tell my friends I just pretended to go to the toilet and said I’d see them in the bar. But I waited until the main came out and said, That’s the best thing I’ve seen. And then I said, how do you become a comedy writer, and he said just keep writing everyday. And he gave me his number number and said to call I ever wanted to talk about comedy.
So I took his advice. As I said, this was a time before google, so I would go to a local cafe and look at the newspaper and just write jokes, stupid ideas, anything… I’d buy one coffee and stay as long as I could before it got weird.
I stayed in touch with Jason, and five years later I got a phone call from him, and he was the new head writer of the biggest comedy show on TV. A show called Rove. And asked me if I wanted to write for the show. And that was how I got that first comedy writing job. And I’ve been working as a comedy writer ever since.
So here’s a list of helpful suggestions you can take from that… If you ever see something you like on stage, in a book, or just someone doing some you like, don’t be afraid to go up and tell them, because you make art to connect to people. And because performers are incredibly needy people, who need affirmation.
And don’t be afraid to ask questions, “How did you get into this?”, “How did you come up with that?” Nine out of ten people of them will try to help you.
These days you can google advice about how to do anything. A few months ago I googled, how to boil an egg. And I still stuffed up the egg. But nothing beats going up and asking someone for advice. Nothing beats an actual human connection. Google won’t ever be the head writer of a comedy show and offer you a job. Or at least I hope not.
And just keep working on your thing, even if you don’t have a job in the area, keep practising, keep doing it, so when the opportunity comes along you’ll be ready.
So I think back to that moment where I saw the poster on the wall for the auditions, or when I waited outside the comedy show. And this is hopefully my last piece of possibly helpful advice:
There will be a moment some time in the next few years when something catches your eye, a poster for an audition, or person in a class, or a show you go to, or something you see online, and don’t be afraid to trust that moment, or take that detour, or go up to that person who has inspired you, because you have no idea where it will take you. Maybe it’ll just be a good conversation or maybe lead to a whole other unexpected chapter of your story.
Finally when we finish writing something, whether it’s an episode, a series, or a comedy festival show, you’re always exhausted. But then there’s a moment you have to write your next thing. Usually it’s when I need money. But there’s a moment you open your laptop, and you stare at a blank page. Actually the first thing I see is my desktop which has 900 files on it, I am useless at filing things. But after I’ve gotten past that, I open a blank page. And it’s the single most thrilling and terrifying moment. Because you could put anything on it, and you could tell any story you want. For the last few years, you’ve all written your own story. Some of you will have loved that story, some of you might not have loved it, some of you may not know how you feel it about it, and some of you might just be relieved it’s over.
When you started at this school you probably weren’t even in control of of your story. Your parents may have chosen the school, teachers may have encouraged you to certain subjects, friends may have influenced you. But now all you have a blank page. And you can fill it with any story you want. And it doesn’t have to be perfect straight away. The first episode of Ronny Chieng: International student had 32 different drafts and I still reckon it could be better. But the important thing is, you tell a story the story only you can tell. And a story you can be proud of.
Finally, be grateful to your parents, because one day you will need to borrow money off them. Houses are not getting any cheaper.
So that’s pretty much it, thank you for letting me share my story with you.
Declan is a guest on episode 54 of the podcast, talking about school visits and comedy writing generally