Joint Best Man speech at the wedding of Sean and Rebecca
[Note: John is Sean’s older brother. Patrick and Sean are twins.]
JOHN: Thanks, Isabelle. When, a few weeks back, Patrick and I asked Sean what he’d like us to speak about today, he said that he just wanted us to do a simple introduction of him to all of you here, but especially those of you on Rebecca’s side of the fence. So we are going to talk about 2 or 3 of Sean’s main qualities. I’m thinking of it as basically a Sales pitch to Rebecca’s family. As his older brother, I suppose I am well placed to do that. But Patrick here knows Sean very well – their relationship stretches all the way back to when they shared a home in a single, fertilized egg in 1974 – so I’ll let him start.
PATRICK: I think the first thing that occurred to me when we started thinking about Sean’s qualities was his longstanding fascination with beauty. I guess that’s probably pretty evident in his choice of bride today [GESTURE AND SLIGHT PAUSE] but it actually stretches all the way back to when he was a little boy growing up on the mean streets of Kew, often happily dressed in a heavily sequined bright red velvet magician’s outfit. This love of his for glittery and beautiful things was reinforced around the time we were in kindergarten when Mum and Dad found a small rash on Sean’s chest and carted us all off to a pediatrician. The doctor asked Sean to hop up on the examining table and whip off his denim overalls – this was the 1970’s – and when Sean undid his bib and out poured a thick wad of colored lolly wrappers, tightly bundled against the skin of Sean’s chest. Sean – ever the eye for beauty – had been busily collecting the glittering wrappers out of the gutters, ashtrays and bins of Melbourne and, unsurprisingly, had developed a rash doing so. Beauty is pain. Mum was understandably embarrassed.
JOHN: No introduction to Sean’s key characteristics would be complete without some mention of his legendary ability to lose or forget things. Pat and I thought about some of the things Sean has lost, missed or forgotten in quite recent years:
PATRICK: Six months of a Masters thesis research in a pub one night.
JOHN: Any footwear other than a pair of thongs for a two-week trip around Ireland in the middle of the Northern winter.
PATRICK: A plane to Bali.
JOHN: Countless mobile phones
PATRICK: The home phone at Kew!
JOHN: Film in the camera when he was the official family photographer for Phoebe’s graduation.
PATRICK: And half a little finger somewhere on Footscray Hockey ground.
[PAUSE]
JOHN: Leaving aside his forgetfulness, and more seriously, Sean has a real love of family. He was always happy as a kid to play dud roles in our family plays - I think he was a soldier in our crucifixion play - and share bedrooms, back car seats and sometimes even his name with Pat. In more recent years, he’s relished welcoming visitors to his and Rebecca’s and home in Woodend – usually fresh from mowing the lawn, and dressed, even in the winter months, in a pair of old short shorts and a wifebeater (can you say wifebeater in a speech at a wedding? I mean a faded blue singlet). Our sister Claire put it most eloquently when we asked her what she thought about Sean’s nature and she said that his inner child was alive and well. That is unquestionably true – if any of you saw Sean dressed as a magic carpet at Ruby’s 5th birthday party earlier this year – as happy as I have ever seen him even when the skies opened up and we were all drenched – you would know that he is man who can see the world through a child’s eye and who loves being a dad.
PATRICK: So, if this is a Sales pitch, I guess we’d like to conclude by saying that we think our brother Sean represents the bargain of a lifetime. He comes with proven family experience and - going on the vows I heard earlier in the Church today – apparently a lifetime guarantee. We recommend him to you, Rebecca, and would like to propose a toast to you both – so please be upstanding [WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO STAND] - to the bride and groom.