Nikhilesh Sharma: 'Love is good, but respect is more important', for Selen and Greg - 2022

23 October 2022, Sydney, Australia

My name is Nik and I'm one from Greg and Selen's friends from the climbing group. And they asked me to write this speech. And when they did, I literally had two thoughts in my head. First was like, this is such a great honour, right? They asked me to speak at their wedding. Holy shit, I must be the best man for this job. Clearly not. Patrick as we saw over there did a fantastic job. And the second thought was, 'maybe they don't have a lot of friends'. But I'm going to stick with the first thought, I was the best man for the job. This is why I'm here.

Crowd: Obviously!

Optimism is after three drinks.

So when I first started writing this speech a few days ago, I searched up a few wedding speeches on YouTube. That's where you get the best content. How do you write a wedding speech? Now, most of the speeches that I've found on YouTube involve making a lot of fun of the bride and the groom, I'll be honest, especially the groom. So I thought to myself, I can do something similar. I'm going to make fun of tehm both, I can do that. I can make fun of Greg. And the way he says 'is nice'. I love how you say it Greg. I think that's one one of your best qualities. The way you say it. And even I can say make fun of Selen, and the way her veganism goes about. She's the first vegan that I've seen who eats meat from time to time.

But I decided not to make fun of them, okay. My speech cannot be that shallow. It has to be much more meaningful. Because it can be my first and only wedding speech ever.

So I decided to make it a bit more meaningful. So here I'm standing in front of you all, to talk about one thing that we are celebrating tonight, which is love. And we are celebrating the love between these two beautiful people. And now when I was searching about love, Rumi is one of the greatest poets in all the church. Are any church people in the house? Yes. You all know about Rumi, right?

Crowd: Yes.

The poet, greatest poet of all time. And Rumi said about love, 'let the beauty of what you love be what you do'. That's pretty powerful. I'm going to just repeat that again to sink it in. 'Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.' So I really hope that you two will spend the love that you have together and spread it around the people that you have around you. So you take that love that you have for each other and you make sure you multiply it and give it to other people. And not just the people existing right now, but the people who are coming... soon into this world.

And so the ups and downs are part of the season of life we go through, no marriage or no relationship is going to be just for better brother. It is not going to be just fun, kisses and laughs. It's going to be tears, sadness, and the feeling of being distant from the other person from time to time, of course.

Crowd: No

Really? Sir, you should start a YouTube channel. But I'll be honest, I don't have a lot of experience in the department of love. So me preaching this and as a person in a relationship that just ended, I didn't think I should be up here preaching about love. But there's one thing that I've noticed when it comes to love. Love is good, but respect is more important.

Because respect, I think respect for me personally is one thing that makes us feel really valued and cared for and wanted. So we have to respect each other's space, and you have to respect each other's space, each other's shortcomings. You can't really go pick around, 'Hey, you did this and you did that.' You have to really put down your own self-interest for the other person. And that is what respect is. Respect then equals love. And I know that you both come from different backgrounds and different faiths and you might have different families that think slightly differently. We all know how much we love the inlaws. Inlaws can be tricky, right. But it all goes down to one united factor that is respect for the other person. And I'm very hopeful, and I can say this with sincerity, that you'll have respect for each other throughout your life.

The next big thing that I wanted to talk is the bun in the oven that we have here today. Milan, who's going to be coming out into this world..

And it is an exciting and an interesting time to be bringing a boy into this world. The other day I was at a train station and this guy just caught me up and this random person and he is like, he's like, 'I don't think people should be having kids anymore'. That was a bold statement to come up to a stranger and just say to stranger. I'm not even having a kid, but yeah, sure. I'm like, 'why?' And he's like, ‘it's not a good place for kids to be in.' And I can see his perspective. It's a bad world out there. But I think it all depends on what we really want to teach our kids. And what you guys will teach Milan. Now, there's many conundrums that you can face, right? Milan can come up to you and he like, 'actually I don't want to open an account in Commonwealth Bank.' 'I want to go to Westpac. What are going to do then?' And what if he comes up to you and say, 'I want to be a bowler ... Greg would say that it's a crime to be a bowler. What if Milan comes up and says, 'I want to be a bowler'. What if Selen, what if he comes up to you and says, 'Hey mum, I don't like baclava. He can! Hee can say ‘it's too sweet’. You never know. Kids will make their own choices. And Greg, what happens if he comes up to you and says, 'Dad I don't think the Hungarian football team will ever have a chance at winning the World Cup.' What would you say back?

He can say a lot of things. He can say, 'Hey, I don't want to work in IT' He can say that. And he's allowed to. You see, kids are allowed to make their own choices. And I think the choices that really matter in life are actually the choice that he will make -- will he have compassion towards the people that we in society look down upon? Will he have kindness in the heart of people that has wronged him? And will he have humility even when he reaches the pinnacle of life?

Now these are the choices that really matter and I know that you will instil these values in him and he will become a great human being, because he has great parents.

[Applause]

Crowd: Also. hell have a cool accent, I'm pretty sure.

He'll have a best accent in the world for sure. Look, I'm just going to conclude , this page is empty so ... , I'm just going to conclude this speech and say that it's an honour to be a part of this celebration, which is this celebration of love that you two have, and the fact that you're bringing a beautiful human being into the world.

So what was the Hungarian word of cheers?

Crowd: Egészségére!

(08:42)

To the bride and the groom

For Alexi & Ellie: 'Once Alexi finds something he loves, he fully embraces it into his life', by Daniel Wearne - 2023

3 February 2022, Wattle Grove, Tasmania, Australia

Hi I’m Dan – I didn’t grow up with Alexi, or Lek as I call him. We actually met 10 years ago through a religious movement at the time – Crossfit. We were the same age and had similar interests; He was always the last one still laughing at my Simpsons references and we loved quoting esoteric scenes from tacky 90s flicks.

When we trained together most days, the differences between us were easy to spot. He had remarkably long arms, a distinct toe-out walking gait, and I enjoyed guessing which of his eight outfits on rotation I would see next. I was the tattooed, always late to class, rough boy from Frankston, and Lek was the buttoned-up, meticulously neat athlete who rarely had a hair out of place. All his plates symmetrically stacked next to his platform – it was clear his belief system was anchored not to the crossfit methodology, but to his passion for routine.

This passion is easy to identify in Alexi when things diverge: an item misplaced; not having a meal at a specific time; running late for an event; or even being asked to do something outside his comfort zone. This is something that really resonates with me when I think of Lek, his gravitation towards routine.

Once Alexi finds something he likes or loves, he fully embraces it into his life.

It wasn’t long before Lek and I were hanging out very regularly; we quickly became best mates. Lek often enjoyed chauffeuring us around, so I recall many conversations we had in that White Honda. The infamous cassette-adapter-iPod situation powering the tunes as we would discuss anything and everything. Initially surface level topics; lots of sport and general banter, and then as the walls came down some of the more serious subject matter would surface. I’ve learned there is an unusual depth to Alexi. He is profoundly empathetic and listens with genuine curiosity. He invests so much in what’s on your mind and how you’re feeling about something.

You feel like he fully embraces you into his life.

When Lek was questioned about his dating life, he was coy; but behind his playful answers and deflection, I sensed real sorrow and loneliness. Lek was wondering where, when and how he would meet his soulmate.

In November 2015, The Annual Schwartz Challenge was taking place; Australia’s premier crossfit competition. It was an all-weekend event held in Altona, outer Melbourne, so Lek and I would carpool over. Lek’s days as a serious competitor were behind him at this point but, dedicated to the art, and being the stand-up guy that he is, he volunteered to MC the event.

Meanwhile in a remote township named Brisbane there was a girl named Ellie. An avid crossfitter too, she was seeking updates on how the athletes from her gym were performing at this event via Instagram. This is when she serendipitously came across a photo of the most handsome, tanned and ripped Annual Schwartz Challenge MC she had ever laid eyes on. Double tap.

Lek was particularly quiet on the drive over the Westgate Bridge that final day of the comp—Not ‘gloomy’ quiet. More of his famous head-shaking perplexed moods. “Missss Newman” he would utter under his breath as he was scrolling the profile of his latest photo like. Out the corner of my eye I noticed a lot of pinch zooming and enthusiastic nodding. It wasn’t long before they were sending flirty messages to each other and overusing emojis. This was an exciting development at the time. Ellie is the only person I’ve seen captivate him like this. A couple weeks had passed and Lek very matter-of-factly dropped the bomb that he and Miss underscore Newman were calling each other most nights. And only a month later in December, Lek decided to fly up to Brisbane to verify if he had been catfished.

On Friday the 4th of December, Alexi landed at Brisbane airport to a cautiously optimistic Ellie. Ellie has since confided that day she couldn’t believe he was real—pinching not herself but him the entire drive from the airport. They were never beyond a few meters from each other the entire weekend. And while the anxious voice inside Ellie’s head was wondering if she was going to see this Adonis again, Lek was not even home from the trip before booking his next flight back to Brisbane.

Once Alexi finds something he loves, he fully embraces it into his life.

 ‘How’d it go Lek?!’ I interrogated him as soon as he returned home. I can only describe Lek’s presence after that weekend as that of someone who had just found their soulmate; a confident glow that said ‘life starts now’. And what followed over the years was a steady progression of decisions and commitments from each other to integrate their lives.

Ellie flew down for the first time that following January to cheer along Lek swimming in the Portsea Classic, a routine event in his rigid calendar. She was boldly representing her home town in a fluro orange dress – which might have been the literal highlight of the night had Alexi not confessed his love for her at Portsea hotel that evening. They did long distance for two years, and Ellie - who is extremely close with her family and friends up north, and with a budding career ready to commence after completing her doctorate - decided to sacrifice it all and move down to Melbourne to be with Alexi.

It was a rocky start. Lek incorrectly assumed that given they had chosen Melbourne's coldest month to make the move, that a functional yet unromantic gift – such as a Northface jacket – would be well received. But Ellie is resilient – so after crying into the feather-downed sleeves of the Worst Present Ever™for 3 months straight – she started to come around to Melbourne; learned to love its quirks and fully embraced it into her life. She’s been with us ever since, and the rest as they say is history.

Ellie, on behalf of everyone of us that have loved having Alexi around for the last 7 years, I want to say thank you for giving up so much and we love you so dearly. You were so clearly the missing piece in Alexi’s life, and if it wasn’t for that thirsty like on Instagram, we wouldn’t have had the privilege of embracing you into our lives and witnessing our beloved Lekki become whole.

So if you’d charge your glasses, I would like to make a toast – To the amazing love story of Ellie and Aleix, we can’t wait to see the next chapters.

Dan Angelucci: "If they can take on long distance. I'm confident that they can take on anything", for Don and Katherine - 2019

May 2017

This speech is the result of an amazing and hilarious jounrey. Watch the background documentary first!

Dan Angelucci: 'The Best (Best Man) Speech of all time', for Don and Katherine - 2019

This hilarious 'making of’ documentary was submitted via submission tool by Vireo Films.

That guy right there. Standing on the precipice of history. That's me. And I'm about to give the best man speech at my best friend, Don's, wedding. A speech that could end up being...

Voice Over: The best speech of all time.

Don and I have been best friends since high school. Even through going to college in separate parts of the country, and living on separate coasts. In fact, Don gave the best man speech at my wedding in 2014. But this particular journey began in 2018, when I got a call from Don.

[Phone call]

Hey, what's up man?

Don: Yo.

What's up.

Don: I just wanted to ask if you would be my best man at my wedding.

Really? Several thoughts are now going through my head. Don is my best friend. Many of my other friends are already married. And the rate of marriage among millennials is steadily declining. These things lead me to one conclusion. This is my only shot to make the greatest best man speech of all time. And to honour my friendship with Don.

Yeah. Whoa, wow. Wow. Okay. Yeah. I will not let you down, Don.

Don: Okay.

I began by brainstorming everything I wanted to express about Don. After 14 years of friendship, I would have a lot to say. But being that I didn't see Don very much, it took a little more digging than I expected, to paint a picture of Don as I remembered him. Once I got my thoughts together, it was time to write.

Dan: (singing)

So, the writing started a little slow. I realised it was time to put my ego aside, and get some help. There's no shame in using a speech writer. Even the greats do it.

Video: The fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday. But as the day when the world declared it's...

My research led to me to Speechpublic.com, a site that promises the best speech ever. This sounded too good to be true. But then I saw, right on their front page, the guarantee that "Our linguist also proofread each speech." This was exactly what I needed to break me out of writer's block. After all, "A new breathe of ideas can make your speech of the highest quality." I couldn't have said it better myself.

So I asked them for a speech for my friend, Don's wedding. Within 10 business days, I had my speech. And I went to get some feedback from Eric, one of my fellow groomsmen, who also happens to work as an editor at - publishing.

So I'm going to, if it's okay if I read it.

Eric: Sur. Yeah.

Okay. "Good evening, everyone. I would first like to welcome you all on the most blissful and beautiful occasion of Don and Katherine's life."

Eric: Blissful?

Yeah. "I still remember the first time I met Don in school. We were in 7th grade and were in the same class."

Eric: You were not in 7th grade. Don wasn't here in 7th grade.

So, I'm going to be fact checking all this later.

"Katherine, you are one lucky woman, I must say, to have Don as your life partner. I will tell you some of the most memorable, happiest, and hilarious moments I have spent with this guy. Our childhood stories are filled with such moments. So I won't be going in that detail, as it will take tonnes of days. I would now like to request all of you to raise a massive toast to this beautiful couple."

Eric: You can't, what is a massive toast?

It's like a big toast. So give me your thoughts on this speech.

Eric: I feel like you can't use any of this. This all sounds like one giant throat clear. There is, like, no content. If you feel like there are good memories, just like say the good memories. So what is that memory that you're going to share?

Eric had a lot of opinions. But it didn't seem like his expertise was a great fit for wedding speeches. So I booked a session with Alexandra Levine, a writer and wedding speech consultant. If anyone could help me, it would be her.

I want to read you a little excerpt of my first draught. And you can tell me if I'm on the right track here.

Alexandra: Will do.

"Good evening, everyone. I would first like to welcome you all on the most blissful, and beautiful, occasion of Don and Katherine's life. May both of your love be an old classical school, so that it lasts long, and you both make the most of it. I would now like to request all of you to raise a massive toast to this beautiful couple." Is this... How do we feel about this, overall?

Alexandra: Sadly, it's not salvageable. There's nothing specific to you, or your relationship with Don and Katherine, or the relationship with each other, anywhere in the speech. And I think you should scrap the entire thing.

So, in your experience, what makes a good speech?

Alexandra: Having a wedding speech that is not generic. That doesn't sound like a Mad Lib that every other person in the room could have said, or could have written, is something that clearly takes a lot of time. It's something that clearly takes a lot of thoughtfulness. And it's something that clearly takes a lot of attention to detail in your friendship with both the bride an the groom. So, the wedding toast is your time to...

It seemed like writing a great speech would take more introspection than I thought. So I formed a writers room. And recruited several comedy writers to help me write the story.

Thank you guys so much for being here. I'm glad you're going to help me write this. Today, we are going to be writing a wedding speech, a best man speech for my friend, Don.

Hannah Trav: Wait. What?

Yeah. We're writing a best man speech. I need a little bit of help punching up jokes and stuff.

Robert Ecks: You said this was HBO.

Well, so it's actually "Helping a Best man Out", is sort of what we're doing.

Hannah Trav: So, not the television network?

No, no, no. I know. And this is a speech for Don. We're doing a speech for Don.

MIchael Watkins: Who is Don?

Okay. I'm very glad you asked that. None of the writers ever met Don. But if I wanted to follow Alexandra's advice, my writers needed to really know don. So I interviewed his friends and family. And edited together a documentary to give my writers the full Don experience.

New Speaker: [Documentary]

Leslie Lemire: He's fairly calm. He's good at math.

Kevin Sallah: He has a lot of friends. And I see why. Because he gets people.

Like any good documentary, I made sure to include alternate perspectives.

Nate Adams: I would say, having not seen Don for years, and probably never seeing Don again, I do not care for Don.

I could tell everyone was getting a lot out of this deep dive into Don.

Writer: He was talking today about how he won't fart in front of her. Like, if you're willing to do that after that many years of a relationship...

[End Documentary]

And soon, we were ready to start writing.

I'm going to do a little exercise. I'm going to... You tell me what you think of when you think of Don.

Hannah Trav: Cross country.

MIchael Watkins: I put down "grease ball".

Hannah Trav: He's also good at math, apparently. I mean, honest... Is he interesting?

He's like ... fun. It was a little bit of a slow start. But soon, we found our groove. And narratives started to emerge.

Hannah Trav: He's a less hot, gassier version of Katherine.

MIchael Watkins: Yeah.

Hannah Trav: But he doesn't fart in front of her.

MIchael Watkins: He's saving himself for after the wedding.

Hannah Trav: You could say something like, "Katherine is tall, and beautiful, and smart. And Don's blood type is AB-."

Joe Bell: Katherine, would you rather he farted in front of you? Or stopped playing hard [inaudible 00:07:39].

Robert Ecks: I thought you were out of Don's league. But it says here you like hint of lime Tostitos. So I guess you just, in general, have bad taste.

And before long, I got the material I needed. And the speech was finally coming together. Now I just needed to practise.

"And what can we say about Katherine? What can we say? I don't know her!"

Fortunately, I had a captive audience with my wife, who had recently lost her job.

"Favourite snack is hint of lime Tostitos. So we know she's got bad taste."

Are you listening?

Dan's wife: I didn't even know I was supposed to be listening. You've done this ten times already.

Listen, I know that times are tough. But I think that this speech should be perfect. Because if we can't afford a gift, I think this can be the gift.

Dan;s wife: We can afford a gift. What are you talking about? This doesn't... Your speech is the gift?

The journey is the gift.

Dan's wife: What journey? You're giving a best man speech.

I've taken on many trials to do this speech.

Dan's wife: Okay. I'm so happy for you that you are putting so much effort into this. And I think it's going to mean a lot to Don. But I just need to be able to focus right now. Is there somewhere else, maybe, that you could do this?

She was right. If I wanted to take things to the next level, I had to expand my horizons.

MC: Oh my God. Let's give it up for Dan Angelucci.

Thank you guys so much. It's such a pleasure to be here. Thank you first of all, to the [Lemiere 00:09:08] family. And thank you to the Grunberg family. This has been a wonderful wedding.

The only way I could truly get a gauge of my speech was with a real live audience. And there were audiences ready, and willing to listen throughout the city.

... Such an incredible hard worker. Even something as trivial as video games, Don will give it his all. He would do 100 super jumps. Two time legend on Hearthstone. Champion's road. And if you know what those are, then you know part of why I find this all so surprising.

I never had a brother. But with Don, I understood what it was like to have to drive someone everywhere because they weren't old enough for a licence. Again, [inaudible 00:09:43] Dante. I'm sorry. There's a lot of jokes at Don's expense. So you might want to just go to the bar. Or go back to the church.

And I know that she likes hint of lime Tostitos. So what we know is that she has bad taste. I hope that you remember this day years from now, and all the people who came here, together, to wish you guys a happy wedding. That's my time, guys. Let's give a toast to the happy couple.

After a successful run, I was ready to talk shop with the veterans.

Would you say it was one of the... If you had to say whether it was one of the great speeches, would you put it up there?

Chris O'Connor: No. You need to cut out the video game stuff. No in-law is going to want to hear about how their son-in-law beats hard levels in video games. You're supposed to fill the group with optimism about the union. I got nothing from you. What hope, what hope is there for these two? How are they going to survive the storm that is life?

What would you do, then?

Chris O'Connor: What would I do?

Yeah.

Chris O'Connor: First thing I would do is, I would throw the whole speech out. I'd get rid of it. I'd toss it. Right? It's a fake. It's a phoney . It's got no heart. No soul. You gotta fight. You gotta go out there, you gotta be honest. You gotta tell the truth. The crowd's going to know the truth. They know Don and Laura.

It's Katherine.

Chris O'Connor: They know them, is what I'm saying. They're going to know the difference between a lie and a truth. You go out there. You be you. You be honest. You be pure. You tell them the truth. And you're going to show them that you're the best man, and not just any man.

I realised it was time to get real. So I decided to toss my speech out, and speak from the heart.

Thank you. It's so wonderful to be here. Thank you very much to the [Lemiere 00:11:25] family. Thank you to the Grunberg family. It's been a wonderful wedding. Let me tell you about the first time that I met Don. Have you guys ever gone too far for a bit? I've got to tell you guys, I'm doing a wedding speech on Saturday. And I've been doing this thing where I've been going around, trying to do a good speech. It's not looking good. It's not looking good. I've been going to stand ups. It's not looking good. It's not playing in the room, that's for sure.

But the thing is, that I don't know... It's like a long distance friendship. So it's like I don't know that much about my friend anymore. You know? Like you go to high school with someone. They go away. And it's like, what am I going to talk about in this speech. It's like, remember that time...

It was clear that this was not the success that I thought it would be. And I couldn't help but wonder, how could I give a great speech about Don and Katherine if I didn't have anything to say? Do I even truly know them? And so, with no confidence in my speech, I went to the wedding. Ready to disappoint my best friend. And when I finally saw Don, I had to come clean.

I worry that my speech is not going to live up to honour our relationship.

Don: Okay.

I appreciate it. That means a lot-

Don: Do think [inaudible 00:12:58] is better?

Just, it means a lot coming from you. You've given me this freedom.

Don: You write down-

But to my surprise, Don didn't mind at all. Then I thought of something that I hadn't before. What if being best man isn't about a speech to adore? What if being best man, perhaps, means a little bit more?

Friend: What's up? How you doing? It's just me and you?

Yep. This is Don's favourite song.

Friend: Actually, it is.

I know.

Dan: In thinking about what I would say in my speech, I remembered something that kept coming up when I was filming my documentary. Don and Katherine had a long distance relationship of their own for two years. Between Chicago and San Francisco. And when I asked people about how they did it, I got a similar answer.

Interviewee: I remember Katherine saying, "It's really, really hard." But I think it didn't matter to them. I don't know.

Kevin Sallah: I didn't know anything about it. Don made a pretty big move to start a long distance relationship.

Leslie Lemire: Oh. I don't understand why she is with him.

I don't know. And really, do we need to know? If they made it this far, there's got to be something there. As we get older, our friendships stretch and change. Some people fade. And some people stay in your life forever. Why? I have no idea. But if Don and I had made it this far, there's got to be something there. And I don't have to understand it. But I should take every opportunity I can to celebrate it. So, here goes.

I remember the first time that I met Katherine. Don had invited Kristen and I to go to Longwood Gardens to meet her. And we were all walking together in the conservatory. And it was Christmas time. And I remember this sweet girl, Katherine, walking arm in arm with Don. And I just remember feeling so surprised.

Even something as trivial as video games. He will go to the hardest challenges. Things like 100 super jumps, champion's road, two time legend at Hearthstone. And if you know what those are, then you understand why I'm so surprised about all of this.

Don is someone who cares deeply about the people in his life. He cares so much, in fact, that he gives Katherine the courtesy of leaving the room when he has to fart. And I'm sure Katherine appreciates it. But I imagine she would prefer he just stop playing Hearthstone on his phone around her.

Many of us in this room have long distance friendships with Don. And it can be hard. You can feel like you're missing a lot of a person's life. But Don and Katherine did a long distance relationship for two years. From San Francisco to Chicago... I almost said Seattle. To Chicago. And they made it work. Despite the difficulty, despite the distance, despite all the times where they could have said, "Why don't we just quit?" And not only did Don not quit. He conquered his crippling fear of flying to frequently fly across the country to see Katherine. And if they can take on air travel. If they can take on long distance. I'm confident that they can take on anything.

And so, after all my work, I finally reached the end of my journey. Did it pay off? Was it the best speech? That's not for me to say. At this point, there's really only one thing I can say.

I would now like to request all of you to make a massive toast to this beautiful couple.

Here is the full speech.

Korey Soderman (via Kyle): 'All our lives I have used my voice to help Korey express his thoughts, so today, like always, I will be my brother’s voice' for Kyle and Jess - 2014

January 2014, West Palm Beach Florida, USA

Korey has cerebral palsy so the groom, Kyle reads his twin brother's speech for him as instructed.

All our lives I have used my voice to help Korey express his thoughts, so today, like always, I will be my brother’s voice and say his words for him.

Aaaaah man, really Korey?

Rule – you must read every words as written. Text in blue are action prompts.

Test read ... Kyle secretly likes to sing and dance to the song, ‘I Feel Like a Woman’ Da na na na na na na na.

[video – Korey bound up in twine]

Kyle used to wear funny costumes and make traps with string and duct tape. When Kyle was young he would run around the yard with underwear on his head and act like a superhero.

Jess 411. Shades of grey may have a whole new meaning in Kyle and Jess’s newlywed home.

[video – Korey sucking on a dummy over a pizza, baby sound in background]

Kyle sucked on his baby pacifier forever. Mom and dad tried to get him to give it up without success. One day a cool pizza delivery boy came to the house and said, ‘hey kid, pacifiers are for babies’. And that was it. Kyle gave up his pacifier cold turkey.

Jess 411. If you need Kyle to break a bad habit, dial a pizza!

[video – Korey with bottle of wine on couch]

Kyle is so effing boring. When we go out, he always orders water while I drink booze baby! Kyle needs to hang with me to learn how to party like a rock star.

Jess 411, If you’re looking for a good time, ‘here’s my number, call me maybe?’

[video – Korey on couch with dog and dog clippers buzzing]

And one time, at band camp, I mean easter seal camp, Kyle thought I would look sexier with a Mohawk haircut. And my bro was correct. [sing] I’m sexy and I know it .. wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle.

Jess 411 – Now you have married Edward Scissorhands you won’t need to go to expensive hair salons.

[video- Brown Eyed Girl playing, Korey with teddy with red roses.]

I may joke around but Kyle is an awesome brother. He has looked out for me for 24 years. He cares more about others than he does himself. Kyle helped me meet and be with one of the greatest girls ever. He makes everyone feel special.

Kyle go give Blair this flower and give her a kiss. Remember you’re married!!!

Jess 411 – Take it from me, you have a partner for life who will look out for you and love you unconditionally.

[video – Kyle holding Korey up in a bar, Sweet Caroline playing]

Kyle and I have many great stories as twin brothers growing up together. Jess you will too. I love both of you .

Welcome to the family new sis. OOO OOoh! Kyle , our life has been and will continue to be, a dance.

Everyone please stand, by your table, and join my brother and I as we do what we always do to celebrate life ... we sing and dance. Kylecome and get me. Let’s party, Tootsie style!

[video – Korey the DJ turns on music]

Sing and dance out to 'Sweet Caroline'

Casey: 'Okay, Casey, this is it', for Bobby and Jennifer - 2011

2011, USA

voiceover subconscience

Okay, Casey, this is it. The best man toast. This is definitely my conscience. Wooooooooh! [echos] Oh yeah. That was awesome. Holy crap there's a lot of people here. Okay. Calm down. This is easy. Just picture everyone in their underwear.  Nice girl with the thong! Why is everybody staring at me? Oh yeah, the best man's toast. Oh yeah. Where'd I put that paper? Here it is [gets out speech]. I intend to thank myself for this one man ... [?] Okay Casey, just like we practiced it, sat in front of the mirror, in the shower, damn that's a great ass, knock it off ... just tell the newlyweds how you feel ...

Bobby and Jen, I love both of you guys with all my heart. This is a great occasion. Let's party!

Firefighter Criag Campbell: for firefighter Cody Campbell & Kelly Yokka (groom leaps up mid-speech to save choking guest) - 2015

12 September, 2015, Los Angeles, USA

This is part of a speech from a firefighter dad to his firefighter son and his new bride.

I'm also so glad that I'm not picking up all those calls. [laughter]

Lastly, lastly,

[interruption] Somebody's choking.

[groom jumps up to save choking guest]

Somebody call 911 right now!

Jamie Carter: 'As usual, Chris and Paul's contest was stupid', for brother Chris and Lauren's wedding - 2011

22 October, 2011, Palm Springs, USA

IS there a cuter, happier, more perfectly suited couple than Chris and Lauren? The consensus that I've been hearing from San Diego and Melbourne is that there is not.

It's a great love story.  A very American love story.   Chris "The immigrant" leaves the place of his birth in search of his dream girl, and he finds her in America

Of course, if Chris decides to steal Lauren back to Australia, this story becomes a little bit more Scandinavian Viking love story, but either way, there's something in our family histories being played out in the story of Chris and Lauren.

But I think, at its heart, this is really an American love story.  And I say that because the force that brought Chris and Lauren together is so quintessentially American, its the same force that did so much to shape America's greatness.

No, I'm not talking about the right to bear arms, that would be a little weird . . . what I'm talking about is competition. Competition, and the quest to succeed, brought Chris and Lauren together.

My little brother is competitive. He's always been that way. He likes to win things. Our older brother Paul is also competitive, and these two would compete over anything: football, tennis, golf, whatever, until someone, typically Chris, would have an exorcist-type meltdown, and the whole affair would end in tears.

Me, being the well...adjusted middle brother, typically decided that these competitions were stupid, and I would chose not to compete. But their contests weren't always frivolous, for example there was that time they competed over who had more friends; a definite high point in their attempts to out-do each other.

The only way to settle this argument, suggested the Harvard Graduate, was to write down on a piece of paper the names of all their friends and then count them out. Which they did.

Not surprisingly, I thought this competition was stupid, and decided not to compete.

The argument turned from ridiculous to farcical when they stopped even writing down last names, and it became a contest of who could write down the most words that could conceivably be used as a name.

But what's this competitive drive got to do with Chris and Lauren? Why do I tell you these stories? Partly to make both my brothers look daft, but more importantly it's to make you aware of what you're witnessing today, to put it in its appropriate historical context.

You.see, this marriage of Chris to Lauren is the culmination of a 12 year competition between Chris and his older brother Paul to see who could marry the most perfect bride.

Here's a little background: 12 years ago my older brother Paul announces to the family that he was to wed the beautiful and smart Wendy Govic. To most of the family the announcement was a moment of joyous celebration.  But to Chris it was an act of provocation and a challenge.

Chris accepted this "challenge" and set out to find his bride.

Me, I decided that this competition was stupid, and have decided not to compete.

Chris searched Melbourne, he searched Brighton, England, he briefly searched New York but quickly realized that he was way out of his league, and then he settled in San Diego.

And it was there that he met Lauren. Lauren and Chris dated, and then Chris triumphantly announced their engagement.

But did he win?  How do you even judge such a contest?

I think we need to look at their relationship.  How happy are they?  How suited are they?

Anyone who spends any time with Chris and Lauren know these questions are nonsensical. If's obvious that Chris and Lauren are perfectly suited and very much in love.

Plato, that old Greek philosopher wrote a whole book on love and relationships, and in it he speaks of a myth where at the beginning of time the gods split our natural selves in half, and that love is our pursuit to find our other half; it's our desire for wholeness.

I'm not totally sold on this idea, after all Plato also thought that the highest form of romantic love was between an old man and a young adolescent boy. . . so basically, Plato was a weirdo, but I do like that idea of finding someone who so perfectly complements us, and it just fits, and I think we see that in Chris and Lauren.

But while Plato might have just missed the mark, I think the tv show Dexter might have captured the essence of Chris and Lauren's connection a little better.  For those whodon't know the show, it tells the story of a homicidal serial killing maniac who likes to cut people up with knives.

Wait, stay with me. . .

Season 3, episode 10, two key characters finally profess their love for each other with this simple exchange:

"I love you, you're the best thing that's ever hapenned to me. You're like a shot of adrenaline" to which the other lover responds with "I love you too, you're like a hit of Valium"

I thought of Chris and Lauren when I saw that scene. Chris and Lauren are different people, with different natures, but I can't imagine two people who could be more perfectly suited.

Chris brings to their relationship his extraordinary energy and sense of fun, and Lauren also brings her sense of fun but with it her laid back kind-heartedness.  Together they're amazing.

It's that "yin and yang" thing, the masculine nature and the feminine nature, molded together perfectly. On the one side you have the less rational and emotional nature, likes to gossip with the girls, loves to shop, always up with the latest female fashions, likes to sing and dance to Katy Perry.

And then you have Lauren.

Lauren, the calm voice of reason. Lauren the stable rock. Lauren who doesn't take herself too seriously, and who's always quick with an adorable smile when Chris is about lose his marbles.

Its difficult for me to put into words just how wonderful I think Lauren is.   The words will come out sounding cliche in a speech like this, but I couldn't mean them more sincerely.

Her sweet warm-hearted nature, combined with her great sense of fun and humor make~ her a truly unique and lovely person.  She is the perfect partner to my brother, and I already love her dearly as a sister.

Our family had the pleasure of meeting the West|ands family the other night for dinner.  It was lovely for us to see the sense of affection and fun between their family. It's easy to see where Lauren's values and nature comes from, and it makes sense that she bonded so quickly withour family.

I mentioned my brother's competitive spirit, but a better word to describe Chris would simply be spirit. My brother is one spiriteded individual. People love to be around him.

But his sense of fun is matched by his sense of loyalty and protectiveness. Chris will take wonderfully good care of Lauren, but he will also show her a wonderfully good time, and it's hard to imagine a better combination in a husband.

And if's hard to imagine a better brother. Paul, stay quiet, this is between me and Chris.

I've never seen Chris so happy.  He hasn't lost any of his energy or spirit, but a certain calmness has come over him, and for that Lauren, our family thanks you!!

Just like Chris' many friends, 1 just love being around the boy. I feel incredibly lucky to have him as a close friend and a brother; knowing that we have a life of family holidays and gatherings to look forward to makes me incredibly happy.

So, wrapping up, I guess my point is this.  As usual Chris and Paul's contest was stupid.  Wendy was the perfect bride, Lauren is the perfect bride, and now I have two perfect sisters

But as for a winner, if you want to know who wins, if's me, 1 win. Because my family was great, but today it just got a whole lot better!

Welcome to the family Lau Lau.

Julian Schiller: "Laughter is the closest distance", for Tony and Kate - 2003

15 March, 2003, Melbourne, Australia

I’m going to start off by taking you back to where this all began. It was a Sunday afternoon in 1991 when Tony took that fateful step, picked up the phone, called e-harmony and gave out his credit card details.

Kate and Tony first met at a pub in Fitzroy called the Rainbow Hotel. It was at a  meeting for the Melbourne University Film-making club, of which they were both members. Soon after they went on a date which had  good aspects and bad aspects. It was bad because Tony spent most of the evening bitching about an ex-girlfriend with whom he had recently separated. It was good however because this prevented him from mentioning military aircraft for the entiriety of the evening. 

It’s quite poetic that Tony and Kate met in the film club because that experience, in many ways, changed their lives. Making short Super 8 films inspired them both to seek careers in the creative arts. Kate was later accepted into VCA to study film-making, and Tony began to perform comedy spots on 3RRR.  So you could say, that on that Sunday afternoon in the Rainbow Hotel, Tony and Kate, without actually knowing it, discovered what they wanted to do with their lives and who they wanted to share it with. Which in itself, is quite remarkable.

But then again, Tony and Kate’s relationship is quite remarkable. They’ve known each other for 12 years, and, at times been more on and off than Mick Jagger’s undies, but the connection they shared never dimmed. Those who knew them always prayed this day would come, where both of them would realise what was obvious to everyone, that from that day in 1991, they always had been, and aways would be, deeply in love.

Let me quickly say something about Tony. I have worked with this mad Irishman for over ten years writing and performing comedy, which in itself is a high pressure job, especially when, like us, you’re not actually funny. Having got to know Tony well over this time, can I just say he’s a kind and generous lover....no I’d just like to say Tony is one of the most centered, most moral, most supportive, and most loyal people I have ever met. Tony loves, values and respects the most important people in life, his family, his friends, and now, most of all his new bride Kate.

Once early on in our careers, Tony missed the 21st birthday of his brother Joe due to a meeting with Channel Ten in Sydney. Tony was deeply upset after this and vowed never again to put his the needs of his family and friends second to anything  And to this day, 10 years later, I’ve never known him to do so.

I was trying to think of a phrase to sum up Tony and Kate’s relationship, and the one that instantly sprang to mind was “laughter and love”. Tony and Kate are always laughing. Whether they’re teasing each other, or joking about the days events, or photographing each other naked in police custody, they love a good laugh. Victor Borges said ‘Laughter is the closest distance between two people’. Tony and Kate are proof of that. Tony and Kate are so natural around each other, because they enjoy each other’s differences and laugh at them. And if they decide to breed, with all that laughter and love I can think of no better environment for a child to be born into. If that offspring dislikes airplanes however, I can think of no worse environment for a child to be born into.

I also wanted to say something about love, since this occassion is basically a ceremony which celebrates the love in it’s most pure form. And as love is a slightly mystical and magical force, I think it’s always best summed up by poetry, so I’d like to read you a poem by E.E. Cummings.....

There once was a man from Nantucket....

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
 

John & Patrick: 'We’d like to conclude by saying that we think our brother Sean represents the bargain of a lifetime' for Sean and Rebecca - 2014

Joint Best Man speech at the wedding of Sean and Rebecca

[Note: John is Sean’s older brother. Patrick and Sean are twins.]

JOHN:  Thanks, Isabelle.   When, a few weeks back, Patrick and I asked Sean what he’d like us to speak about today, he said that he just wanted us to do a simple introduction of him to all of you here, but especially those of you on Rebecca’s side of the fence.  So we are going to talk about 2 or 3 of Sean’s main qualities.  I’m thinking of it as basically a Sales pitch to Rebecca’s family.  As his older brother, I suppose I am well placed to do that. But Patrick here knows Sean very well – their relationship stretches all the way back to when they shared a home in a single, fertilized egg in 1974 – so I’ll let him start.

PATRICK:  I think the first thing that occurred to me when we started thinking about Sean’s qualities was his longstanding fascination with beauty.  I guess that’s probably pretty evident in his choice of bride today  [GESTURE AND SLIGHT PAUSE] but it actually stretches all the way back to when he was a little boy growing up on the mean streets of Kew, often happily dressed in a heavily sequined bright red velvet magician’s outfit.   This love of his for glittery and beautiful things was reinforced around the time we were in kindergarten when Mum and Dad found a small rash on Sean’s chest and carted us all off to a pediatrician.  The doctor asked Sean to hop up on the examining table and whip off his denim overalls – this was the 1970’s – and when Sean undid his bib and out poured a thick wad of colored lolly wrappers, tightly bundled against the skin of Sean’s chest.   Sean – ever the eye for beauty – had been busily collecting the glittering wrappers out of the gutters, ashtrays and bins of Melbourne and, unsurprisingly, had developed a rash doing so.  Beauty is pain.  Mum was understandably embarrassed.

JOHN: No introduction to Sean’s key characteristics would be complete without some mention of his legendary ability to lose or forget things. Pat and I thought about some of the things Sean has lost, missed or forgotten in quite recent years:

PATRICK:  Six months of a Masters thesis research in a pub one night.

JOHN: Any footwear other than a pair of thongs for a two-week trip around Ireland in the middle of the Northern winter.

PATRICK:  A plane to Bali.

JOHN:  Countless mobile phones

PATRICK:  The home phone at Kew!

JOHN:  Film in the camera when he was the official family photographer for Phoebe’s graduation.

PATRICK:  And half a little finger somewhere on Footscray Hockey ground.

[PAUSE]

JOHN:  Leaving aside his forgetfulness, and more seriously, Sean has a real love of family.  He was always happy as a kid to play dud roles in our family plays  - I think he was a soldier in our crucifixion play - and share bedrooms, back car seats and sometimes even his name with Pat.  In more recent years, he’s relished welcoming visitors to his and Rebecca’s and home in Woodend – usually fresh from mowing the lawn, and dressed, even in the winter months, in a pair of old short shorts and a wifebeater (can you say wifebeater in a speech at a wedding? I mean a faded blue singlet).  Our sister Claire put it most eloquently when we asked her what she thought about Sean’s nature and she said that his inner child was alive and well.  That is unquestionably true – if any of you saw Sean dressed as a magic carpet at Ruby’s 5th birthday party earlier this year – as happy as I have ever seen him even when the skies opened up and we were all drenched – you would know that he is man who can see the world through a child’s eye and who loves being a dad. 

PATRICK: So, if this is a Sales pitch, I guess we’d like to conclude by saying that we think our brother Sean represents the bargain of a lifetime. He comes with proven family experience and  - going on the vows I heard earlier in the Church today – apparently a lifetime guarantee.  We recommend him to you, Rebecca, and would like to propose a toast to you both – so please be upstanding  [WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO STAND] - to the bride and groom.

Ollie: 'She deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one', for Simon and Kim - 2007

2007

Hi I'm Ollie, all the way from the UK

First of all I'd like to raise a massive toast to two of the most beautiful, wonderful and loving people I've ever had the pleasure to have in my life.

So if everyone can raise their glasses ... I've lost mine, but ...

So huge cheers to their future, our fortune, and everyone having a blast in this celebration of this wonderful event.

So before I really get going, let me just say that the formative years I have spent in the company of the groom, means he has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Simon if it's not.

And my second disclaimer is, that my speech does not really contain any original material. So if anyone is offended, it's got nothing to do with me.

I'm told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules: stand up, speak up, then very quickly shut up. So I'll try and stick to that advice. As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition, I'm supposed to sing the grooms praises, and tell you all about his many good points. Well I'm very sorry to say that I can't sing, and I won't lie.

I'm slightly bothered by the title of best man. If I'm the best man, then why is Kim marrying Simon? So I'm just happy in saying, that I'm a pretty good man. Because today Simon is the best man. And he is a man that admire for many reasons. Most notably his generous nature, what with him donating his body to science when he started at Plymouth University, and preserving it in alcohol the entire time he went there.

Now I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had. But I don't want to get into all of that. Because frankly, I find such macho, male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But suffice to say, Simon, number 72, that was your lucky number.

Now I really should grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to reveal to you Simon's past misdemeanors. Unfortunately, I've played a part on most of these, and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation.

I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Simon. It will teach him loyalty, self restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play, and so many other qualities he just wouldn't need, had he stayed single.

So I'd just like to say to Simon, you're a lucky groom, marrying Kim, who is beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one.

And now you're married, your level of domesticity needs to greatly improve. You need to find where the kitchen is, and learn what the mysterious items contained within it actually do. Gone are the days of hitting speed dial and waiting forty five minutes. You're going to have to start transferring food onto dishes, instead of eating it directly out of the saucepan. And you know that wet area that kitchens have? It's called a sink. The more you use it, the more Kim will love you.

So if we can all raise our glasses again and toast: to love, to laughter and to a happy ever after.

Cheers!

Tony Wilson: 'Game, set, match Ned and Olivia' - 2010

9 January, 2010, Red Hill, Victoria, Australia

Thank you Harvey for that lovely introduction.

Ladies and gentleman, hello and welcome, what an amazing afternoon and evening for us to share with Olivia and Ned.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Ned’s older brother Tony, and the fact that I’m here as Best Man today should give hope to any nine year old kid who gets boxing gloves for Christmas, and who keeps the right glove for himself while offering the left to his younger brother by four and a half years for a bit of ‘sparring’. Recalling Ned that day, as he lay on the deck, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, I remember thinking to myself — I’m probably pretty long odds to be Best Man at his wedding — and yet, I never gave up. And now here I am. Best man. Better than you Weeksy. Better than you Dan. Better than all of you out there. Chosen because, as we found out in that flyweight classic back n 1981, blood flows thicker than water.

(And also because Willy was out of town)

It’s such a great pleasure to be here on such a beautiful night. The bridesmaids, Sally, Sarah and Arbie, have been wonderful. And given we’re on a tennis court, let’s see if we can give the bridesmaids’ toast an appropriate flavour, so if you can please be upstanding and raise you glasses and repeat after me …

Game, set, match, Ned and Olivia,

Thank you bridesmaids, thank you ballboys.

You’ll also note that Ned and Olivia have taken great care with the seating arrangements. Again, there’s been a tennisy theme. And so if you look down, it basically works the same way as tennis. If you’re seated inside the singles court, well done, you were first choice invitees and your spot at the wedding never in doubt. If you’re seated inside the doubles lines, um, congratulations … you got there in the end. And if you’re outside the court proper … well,. this is a very big wedding, and after the RSVPs rolled in … anyway, you’re all here now, and it’s an absolute joy to see so many friends and family.

On the line is in, by the way.

In some respects, we’re a little fortunate that Ned made it all the way to today to marry this special person. A best man should never mention previous girlfriends, and so I won’t … by name … but I will say that my brother, with his own wonderful ability to sum up a situation hilariously and in the fewest words possible, said of one previous flame: — ‘Yes, I may have dodged a bullet there.’

From a personal perspective, I’m glad he got here with body intact. When he was three and I was nearly eight, me and two friends developed a game on our Olympic sized trampoline called ‘quadruple bouncing’. Basically, what it involved was four friends (or three friends and an infant) holding hands, and on the count of three, everyone performing ‘a sit’. Of course just before we did that sit, we’d use our hands to lift tiny unsuspecting Ned that fraction of a metre higher  … and well you actually can’t imagine the results.

The first time he laughed … he really did. He disappeared up into the branches of the lilly pilly, nine or ten metres above us, about as high as the top diving board at the Balwyn baths. The next time, we must have unbalanced him slightly, and he didn’t hit his sit quite right, and so it was with considerable concern that we watched him shoot off at 45 degrees, straight over the back fence, just a tiny human cannonball arcing into the ditch that ran beside our house in Belmont Park. And you know what made me proud … that little fella tried so hard not to cry. He so wanted to be brave in front of the big boys.

And you know what made me even prouder? Three years later I look out on the trampoline, and there he is with Dan and John Besley, holding hands with little Pippa, telling her ‘now on the count of three, we want you to do a sit  … ‘

There were so many other great games. Olympics … Ned was a tireless competitor … but I made the medals and did the handicapping … and won a fair few events it must be said … Screamers … I offered up my back and Ned and his mates would film themselves taking species … … We did marbles racing … Basically I’d set up courses down the stairs and race marbles over the distance. I was the bookmaker, the starter and the steward. Ned, Dan Besley and Hugh Taggart were the punters, and they all loved a huge, murky chipped old see-through tom bowler called Junk. Junk was always backed into favouritism, just in front of a classier, newer looking Birdcage called Big Bluey. Hugh Taggart loved Junk and Big Bluey so much that he wrote a Uni essay about how marbles racing taught him about gambling. Now he’s the head of some division of Betfair in Australia, and Ned, with the mighty Diplomatic Force, is an actual equine owner – holding the Australian record for least number of dollars invested per minutes of conversation yielded. Marbles racing changed lives, I tell you. If any of you want to get your kids addicted to gambling, honestly, come and speak to me afterwards.

I don’t want to give the impression that Ned was a victim throughout childhood. He was also a hero. In this era where smacking has become taboo, I don’t want to paint Mum and Dad poorly by saying they were smackers. Always open hand, didn’t hurt, ner ner ner ner ner!  For special occasions, however, Mum would pull out the wooden spoon, and attempt to land flailing blows on bare backs of legs as she chased us upstairs. Suffice to say, the wooden spoon was her go-to threat. As Florida has the electric chair, 3 Highton Grove had the wooden spoon.

Picture this then. Ned does something bad. Mum yells. Ned yells back. Mum tells Ned to stop yelling or he’ll get the wooden spoon. Ned keeps yelling and tells her that the wooden spoon doesn’t even hurt, ner ner ner ner ner! Mum dives for the utensils drawer, and within a heartbeat, they’re both running. By this stage, Sam, Pippa and I have gathered at the top of the stairs, the best viewing platform for watching Christians get torn apart by lions. And we’re loving it. Mum’s flying, taking ground with every stride. Ned’s going fast too, circling the downstairs rooms before deciding on whether to tackle the stairs. And then he does, but Mum’s seen that move before, and she’s on his hammer, and she’s got her arm raised, and she’s really mad, and then CRACK!

The crack is so loud that for a moment, we think that Ned has been dealt the mother of all wooden spoon hits. But then we look and see the glorious truth. Ned is still flying up the stairs and Mum is standing there, staring at a broken shard of wooden spoon handle. It’s dead. Ding Dong the Wooden Spoon is Dead! Ned runs past us and into his room, already giggling, and all three kids follow, and we raise him onto our shoulders, and hail him as a hero, for that is what he is.

Our celebrations were soured somewhat during the next supermarket shop when Mum bought a new wooden spoon, but that’s beside the point. For 24 hours, Ned had led us out of Egypt and into a Spoonless Promised Land.

Before I go too far with that analogy, Ned has none of Moses’s knack of handling locusts. Back in 1998, Ned and Stewie White, now just known as the celebrant’s son, were heading to Boots Staunton’s twenty first — a long hot drive into the sun, and Ned was behind the wheel. About half an hour from Camperdown, God got jack of some of the language they were using in the car, and beset a plague of locusts upon them. Suddenly there was zero visibility. Stewie remembers the moment as terrifying – one minute they were driving along enjoying the sunset, the next, totally blinded by tens of thousands of hungry insects, swarming the car. Fortunately, the windows were up, but what added to Stewie’s stress was that Ned didn’t decide to pull over. No, instead he chooses to drive on, his big fluffy head lowered below the level of the steering wheel, steering blindly into the plague, hoping that what he couldn’t see couldn’t kill him.

It’s not a bad adage for his life, because Ned can’t see plenty. He’s not alone on that front. We Wilson kids have a royal flush of eye defects — long sightedness, astigmatism, amblyopia — when Ned first texted me and told me about Olivia, and how she was one of the most beautiful girls he’d ever seen, I texted back and said: ‘Make sure you find out what others are saying.’ Yes, that’s our Ned. Big, blind and vague. The man who’s right eye wanders off to do it’s teeth and get into its jarmies half and hour before he does.

Even with these considerable sight handicaps, Ned was actually a pretty decent footballer. In his last year at Camberwell Grammar, he was under consideration to be captain of the First XVIII, and his coach, Ken Schwab, decided to hand him the reigns for the pre-season lightning premiership. He led the boys onto the ground, and did it with aplomb. Good clapping, from all accounts. A spring in his step. He took the boys through the warm up. They’d never been warmer, never looked sharper. Then, he trotted over to the umpires for the coin toss. The other captain tossed and Ned called.  He called loudly, and he called correctly. He jogged back to his teammates, chest out, formulating the words that would have the boys cherry ripe for the first bounce.

 ‘Let’s go fellas! The season begins now. This is a lightning premiership. If we’re not switched on from the first bounce, the game will be over before we know it.’

The boys were behind him. ‘Come on Wellers. Good one Neddles. Let’s go boys.’

Stewie White can’t remember if it was him who asked the question. “Ned, which way are we kicking?’

It was met with a long, contemplative silence …

‘I don’t know.’

Eventually, through a process of elimination, the ends were sorted out, and Ned’s, eventually brief, captaincy career was underway.

When our sister Sam’s second son was born, controversially, also named Ned, my brother greeted the arrival of a new Ned with the statement, ‘’I’ll have to give him a Neducation.’ A Neducation, for those who don’t know, are lessons preparing you for a life of being a Ned. Ned’s have to be big. Ned’s have to be affable. Ned’s don’t have to talk very much, but they have to say quiet, funny things that everyone laughs at, and remembers as the highlight of the night. Neds have to watch heaps of TV, you’ll recognise a sofa that has been used by a Ned by its Ned-shaped wear marks, and Ned’s must have an almost polar bear capacity to hunker down and sleep through times of adversity, like party clean-ups or other such unfortunate group endeavours. Neds have to be smiley, friendly and kind.  Neds have to be proud of being Neds, unless they get to Scotland and find out that ‘Ned’ is slang for juvenile delinquent, in which case an upstanding Ned will insist that his friends call him ‘Lance’. And it’s not widely known, but most Neds are naughty.

Our Ned is quietly naughty, and persists in being so because he always seems to get away with it. To give an example, on one trip to Adelaide casino, Ned and a group of friends were playing roulette. The game was proceeding as normal – people who don’t understand the concept of independent variables writing down numbers, the croupier doing his dramatic hand wipes and ‘no more bets’ calls – when suddenly a spanner was thrown into the works. ‘Where’s the ball?’ the croupier asks the table. Nobody replies. The croupier peers into his wheel, unable to believe his eyes, groping into all the nooks and crannies to locate a ball that has suddenly become invisible. A minute and a half later, Ned opens the pocket of his jacket, and with a big, ham-acted ‘shhhh’ gesture, shows the boys exactly where the roulette ball has gone. Yes, Neds might not be delinquents, but they are naughty.

Amazingly, the roulette ball is not even the best ‘light fingers’ story we have in the family.  Ned’s younger sister Pippa once managed to steal a live lobster from a tank at a Chinese restaurant. How do they manage such sleight of hand, such conjuring skill. The truth goes all the way back to their childhoods. They were trained by one of the greats, a master illusionist who went by the name of The White Magician. The White Magician was a magician who could take on the appearance of any person in the world. Miraculously, he chose to take on my appearance. He always wore white pyjamas, my white pyjamas, and he could do magic tricks like fusing two matches together, turning his eyelids inside out, and locking a door from the other side that didn’t have a lock [mouthed: you hold the handle]. Ned loved the White Magician, and would happily report back to me the next morning that ‘the White Magician had visited again last night. ’Tony Tony, he came, he came!’ Sadly, after a year or so, he confronted me with the truth. ‘The White Magician is you … isn’t it. I know it is.’ Reluctantly, I confessed. The game, it seemed, was up. Except Ned wasn’t done yet. ‘I want in,’ he said excitedly. ‘I want to be a magician too.’ And so for the next few months, the White Magician appeared to Pippa and Pippa alone, and he had a new sidekick, ‘The Purple Pantomime’ who could take on the appearance of any person in the world, and who had chosen to take on Ned’s appearance. Pippa bought it. In fact I think we got tired of the game before she did. Indeed it’s entirely possible that Pip is currently in a state of shock over there. He’s not real, Pip. The Purple Pantomime is actually Ned.

It’s now time for telegrams, and we’ve got two – two actual telegrams that were delivered by Rolf from the Sound of Music and had STOP written in words at the end of each sentence. The first one is from Jamie Carter, a long-time friend of Ned’s and Olivia’s who now lives in the US.                      

Hi Ned and Olivia,

I would like to wish you both a very happy day and a very rewarding future together as a married couple.  I would like to do this, but I can’t. 

See, as many who witnessed the service would know, today Ned married my ex-girlfriend. Olivia and I may not have had relations, and if memory serves, we may not have even kissed, but I’m pretty sure we held hands, which was pretty fricken intense for a couple of love-sick 12 year olds.

We had our ups and downs, and we decided to take a break.  A break, Ned!!   I turn my back, in swoops Ned, and now we find ourselves in this awkward love triangle.   

At Carey we had a code - no person may date, consider dating, or even look at a girl that was once the romantic interest of a mate, even if the romantic interest fizzled in the 80s. We called this — the “Peter Busse Principle”.

You broke this principle Ned, shame on you.  But you went Camberwell Grammar; you lack a Baptist’s fortitude and moral fibre.

So here we are on your happy day.  I am Eric Clapton to your George Harrison and Pattie Boyd; I am Jason Donovan to your Michael Hutchance and Kylie Minogue.  And it hurts, hurts like hell.  But I will move on with pride and dignity.  I will channel my hurt into creating classic rock songs, while avoiding drug binges and crap London musicals.

In my more secure and happy moments, I am thrilled for both of you.  Knowing both of you for as long as I have makes me begrudgingly confident in how happy you both will be together.  You’re both wonderfully intelligent, modest, kind, and fun people, and I’m not surprised that you found happiness together.  If I promise to bury my hurt deep inside, I hope you’ll let me continue to be a part of your lives for many years to come.

Ned, you win, you got the girl.   Olivia, I want my pocketknife back.

This one comes from Chris Williams, who would have been best man had he not been in japan for his own pre-nuptials.

Firstly congratulations Ned & Olivia. Olivia, I’m sure you look beautiful. I hope you have an amazing day, but I’ll come back to the nice bit.

Firstly I would like to talk about Ned. Ah ‘The Fluff’. I have known Ned since Sergy the red pen famously broke vaulting record after vaulting record over the ruler in Year 5, some 22 years ago. Since then we have  been through a lot together — from weekend camp-outs at Tenno’s, to the Merricks slater-bug massacre, to learning lessons travelling around Europe — like if you are drunk enough to join a Spanish conga line, be careful of your wallet. And don’t ever join a round with Glen20.

So I was very keen to be at Ned’s wedding, but alas, it is not to be. The reason being that I beat him down the aisle by about 10 days. This is just one of many victories I have enjoyed over Ned over the years. If I were to go through all the others (like the time I beat Ned in this year’s DreamTeam Grand Final) there would be little time left for anything else this weekend, so I think it’s probably better I go through the couple of occasions Ned got the upper hand. It is his wedding after all.

The first of these occasions involves an over I bowled to him during Captain’s Cricket on the extremely undersized and then cordoned off JTO, where a 12 year old Wilson, who was the same size he is now (if anything he has possibly shrunk since 1989) managed to hit around bowling off normal sized year 7s pretty well. Well, we don’t want to dwell on this story but the over I bowled to him went something like: 4 6 6 4 un-rebowled wide 6. Moving on…

The other story that gets told more often than I wish to hear it is the time when the Nintendo 64 was new, and a game called WWF Attitude was my main leisure activity. (I thought this story may appeal to the many fans of 1990s video game wrestling in your wedding audience.)

Anyway, the plan was to play the game by myself for “x” number of hours until I was pretty damn awesome. The key was remembering button combinations and once I had those down, then stage 2 was initiated – invite the button-mashing Wilson round for a hiding. He took the bait – the fly was in the well spun Williams web. We set about creating likenesses of ourselves to wrestle with. What hope would The Neducator have against the Penultimate Warrior? Well actually, not much to start with, so we played a few exhibition bouts so Ned could get his bearings. I wanted him to have a few small successes in a controlled environment to make sure he would agree to a title fight.

It worked – I had filled Ned with enough faux confidence, and Ned being the arrogant sonuvabitch he is, agreed to fight me for the title. The bout started, and things were going largely predictably but slowly, yet the Neducator, after amassing an okay amount of offence, just could not contend with the power moves the Penultimate Warrior was executing. So eventually, after an epic 40 minute war of attrition, the Neducator finally dwindled down to the dark red, meaning he was ripe for the pin as soon as I next knocked him over. Meanwhile I was still in the yellow, with still orange to go until red (It may sound like its not important, but it is). What was to happen next was one of the great miscarriages of video game justice ever. The Neducator pulled off a meagre body scissors from which the Penultimate Warrior should have expected to recover, especially with the amount of Yellow I had left in my “Attitude Meter”.

Then the Neducator hit the wrong button and made an accidental pin.

Then the referee somehow made it to a 3 count.

Then the Neducator was having his hand raised in victory followed by his belt presentation!

Of course I challenged Ned to a rematch, my pride as wounded as my sore and throbbing thumbs. Ned, the mongrel, refused, and so it seemed to me that a natural end to the evening had been reached. Rather than drop a hint by looking at my watch and yawning, I suggested that it was time for Ned to leave, — ‘get out of my house’ were the exact words — which Ned mistakenly interprets as me kicking him out of my house in a sore-loser rage.

So there you go Ned. Congratulations for those victories, and congratulations for today! What a find Olivia is, an attractive young neuroscientist undertaking one hell of an experiment! You compliment each other so well; The way you interact with each other, and little Eliza, is incredibly affectionate. You are both so ‘switched-on’, considerate and funny and it really is a privilege to be part of your lives. I’m looking forward to getting back and exchanging stories and photos (where mine will probably be better than yours). All the very, very best!!!

What a lovely man and what a great friend. I was so impressed with the telegram that I wrote straight back to Willy:

Wonderful telegram. Love it. BTW, did you mean to call Suzie, ‘Eliza’ in the nice bit? Is that your nickname for her?

To which Willy replied:

Ah, good pick up. Eliza is Hank's kid. Big mistake, please can you fix that up!

And so I have. And I’d like you all to tell Willy that I have.

I’ve long considered Olivia Carter to be my sister in law, but today it’s so exciting to see you as a bride and to know how happy you and my brother are together. When Olivia first arrived on the scene, she and Ned had the distance hurdle to get over. She was a neuroscientist at Harvard. Ned, was not a neuroscientist, not at Harvard. Quickly, he assessed that ‘daughter of a Peruvian princess who is also a neuroscientist at Harvard’ was, in the cricket jargon of today, a ball bowled in good areas. He flashed his blade. Again that’s cricket jargon. I’m not saying he actually flashed his blade. And for the first time in his romantic life, Ned was building a memorable innings.

And what an innings it has been. He went to Harvard himself, something I for one never thought Ned would do, and did a double major in long-distance Dreamteam and sleeping. Then, having won the Fluiffamatics their first premiership, he brought Olivia back, and she wowed us Wilsons with her beauty, her intelligence and her friendliness. Olivia’s status in the family was secure by the time of her first Wilson Christmas. But she made absolutely sure of it in the traditional post-lunch cricket game, when she faced up to her very first ball. Tom Nisbet was the bowler, and I’m sure Tom won’t mind me saying that his offies lack turn, and fizz, and drift … I mean the kid bowls pies … but that said, you’ve got to put away the bad ball. And so, with her future father-in-law looking on from a crouch behind the wicket, Olivia danced nimbly down the pitch, one skip, two skips, and lifted the ball sweetly over mid-on. It was a timeless moment. Olivia haring between the wickets. Uncle Ian drunkenly lumbering around the boundary, attempting in vain to stop the four. She was a Peruvian princess, but, as we were quickly finding out, she owned a full wardrobe of tracksuit pants, and had Ponting-esque footwork, something we’ve been looking for in the gene pool for some time.

We’ve also lacked an Eliza in the gene pool - still do in fact. But we now have a Suzie, and what a lovely little baby she is. Of course, for most of her nine months, she hasn’t really liked me, but this morning let me hold her for a record breaking forty-five minutes, which was as thrilling as being allowed into a really exclusive nightclub. I think the thing that swung her around was me whispering to her that under old English inheritance rules, only issue born after the marriage stand to inherit anything. She apparently had no idea about this, and promised to me there and then that she will now be on her best behaviour.

Ned, Dad says that you’re lucky and I guess you are. You invest in a horse and it immediately wins its first four starts. You bump into a friend at the races, who casually tosses over the numbers for four thousand dollars worth of longshot quadrella. You have this amazing group of mates, who I’d attempt to annexe and take for my own mates if I didn’t know how much they mean to you. And now you have Olivia, and Suzie, and a love that is as deep as the many Ned-shaped indents you have left in couches worldwide. A love that makes all of us so happy and so proud. Ned, you are lucky, but I think that good things come to you because of who you are: the sheer pleasantness of your personality, your willingness to have a go, your good-natured embrace of the good things in life. And I’m lucky too. Because I get to have you as a brother.

Well done Olivia and Ned. I hope you continue to have a memorable night.

Abe: 'We combined forces, and we built a dynasty', For Greg and Lynette - 2013

3 August 2013, Minnesota, USA

[Series of thankyous]

Greg’s family has been so good to me, I’ve known Greg since 1996, which is how many years ago, seventeen? I’m not a mathematician. I was actually talking with Ben and Lexi, the cousins, and I was with Greg and I was saying I’ve known him since 1996, when I was ten years old, and Ben said, ‘yeah I was four’ and Lexi said,  ‘yeah I was one’ and it was like, yeah, I get it, I’m not in college anymore, thanks for rubbing it in.

Thank you so much to the guests that are here. I know there are some here from Florida. Some people from Michigan, Virginia? Anyone from Minnesota? Thanks a lot for getting here. It’s a lot with the travel, but we do it for these two.

Thank you to the wedding party, the groomsmen, the bridesmaids, the true MVPs of tonight. And most importantly, thanks to Lynette and Greg. I guess we’re all here for you guys, it’s a big night, it’s a special night, everyone is here for you.

It’s a big honour to be Greg’s best man. I guess we met in 1996, we went to Blessed Trinity, any BT grads in the house? In # Minnesota. We were in fourth grade and myself [names friends] we were the top dogs in the playground. Not so much in the classroom but definitely in the playground. We were not scholars. AndGreg comes in, Greg was at Burroughs, public school kid coming into a private school, and everyone liked him. The girls liked him, a lot of the guys liked him, and I could not stand Greg. He walked in, and he was a little too confident, you know he’s coming into our playground, coming into my territory, trying to take my girls, and I wasn’t cool, I wasn’t cool with it.

And everyone liked him, everyone liked him. Like I said the girls did, the guys did, and I figured I better join forces. I’m not going to beat him, so I better join his team. So we met in a dark alley. I told him where to meet. I told him not bring anybody. I wanted to be one on one. Because I knew i could take him.  So we met and shook hands and we made an agreement. And you know, we combined forces, and we built a dynasty. So myself Greg, Scott and Zac. It was really great ... so. [applause] Thank you.

So I was talking with Greg on the phone one day, and you know, we talk all the time, saying hey how’s your day going, and he says, yeah I’m pretty good, I took this girl Lynette out, and I said,  ‘ok, tell me a bit about her,’ and he said ‘she went to [names colleges] and so I said, ‘ok clearly a smart girl’, and said ‘what does she do now?’ and he said ‘she’s a teacher, she’s a special education teacher, working with younger kids,’ I said, ‘ok, she’s got a heart, that great, that’s great.’ I said, ‘Ok, how does she look?’ and Greg said, ‘oh, she looks good man. She looks real good.’ And then I ask him the most important question, the question that I think every best friend, every best man should ask his best friend, when he starts seeing a girl. ‘Does she have a sister for me?’ And he said ‘no’ and I said, ‘you gotta cut it off! You gotta cut it off! This isn’t going to work. This isn’t going to work for us, we’re a team.’

Clearly, he never listens to me, he did the opposite to what I said, and I’m glad he did. I’m really glad he did. So like I said, it’s a great day, it’s a special time for the families, for the friends, but I guess most importantly we’re here for two people and that’s Greg and Lynette.

And so because it’s such a special day, I thought I’d write a poem. And I don’t, I don’t really write poems. The last poem I wrote was in fifth grade so – it was haiku. It was a haiku. And so, I thought I might brush off the poem skills, and see what we could do. The title of the poem is ‘Greg’s Most Embarrassing Moments ’96 to 2013’. I’m kidding. It’s actually called ‘My Brother’.

[To Greg] You good? Right. You’re giving me that look man!

August 3rd, 2013. Here we are on your wedding day.

On such an occasion I think it’s a must that we take a trip down memory lane.

We met in third grade, you were the new kid in school

The girls liked you immediately, they thought you were cool,

At first I was not, Greg’s biggest fan

But we spent more time together, and I realised he was the man

He’s really not, but it rhymes, so I had to make it work.

Greg was an only child, just like me

His dad’s name was Mike, and his mom Mary

His favourite team was the Packers, (Booo, Booo!)

That made me want to hurl

And his favourite band at the time, the one and only Spice Girls

The fact he liked the Packers, while friends laughed and jeered

And Greg knowing all the Spice Girls dance moves, was just plain weird

We got close fast, we created a wolf pack

The four of us together, Greg, Scott, Abe and Zac

Has anyone seen The Hangover? Does anybody remember Alan? Greg was our Alan. It was eerie how much he was like Alan.

Our friend would cause mischief, harmless little fun

Throwing water balloons at cars, and teepeeing on the run

I wanted Greg on my side, we made a killer team

And if angry parents ever chased us, they would catch him before me

Like most great friendships, there were some bumps and cracks,

But we kept looking forward, and never looked back

Greg was always in my corner, he pushed me to improve

And whenever I had doubt, he helped me fight through em

Not sure of the month, not sure of the day,

But at some point, something changed

No longer a friend that you see,

But so much more, a brother to me,

My brother all day, my brother all night

My brother tomorrow, my brother for life

Loyal, fun, popular, honest

The shorter, less-good-looking brother that I’ve always wanted.

Now here we are, on your wedding day

It’s time to party, to celebrate

You stand beside, your beautiful queen,

She’s smart, genuine, the opposite of mean,

And warm and caring and lovely and kind

How you pulled this off Gregors, really blows my mind.

Enough of this poem, you know that I care,

Just one last thing, that I’d like to share,

There will be times in your marriage, when you’ll be frustrated with Lynette

Just know that you can call me, if you ever need to vent

You’ll say she’s done this, you’ll say she’s out of line

Just know that I’ll be siding with Lynette, one hundred percent of the time.

You know I love you guys, this is a huge honour, this is major, everyone can raise your glass. To Mr and Mrs Gregory Manderfeld.

Love you guys.

Jonathan: 'He's so old and I'm so young and handsome', for brother Ricky & Lauren

Thank you, thank you. It is great to be [inaudble].

For those of you who may not know, I'm Ricky's younger brother, Jonathan. And I'm extremely honored to be here tonight to be the best man not just to my brother but to one of my best friends, Ricky. You might think it would be hard for us to be so close. We're like 90 years apart. He's so old and I'm so young and handsome. But as luck would have it, both of us have a maturity level of about a seventh grader. RICKY: Put together. JONATHAN: Combined. So it kinda works out nicely.

Before I get all sentimental, it wasn't always so great to be Ricky's brother. I know, it's shocking. But when Ricky was in high school, he often babysat for me, my sister Josie and my cousin Mike. So when it came time for dinner, Ricky used to order a pizza, take in the whole thing into his room and leave us with cool-aid packets. That's right. He didn't even make the cool-aid for us. Now that I think about it, high school Ricky kinda sucks. I can't hold that against him anymore because he's really made up for it since then. Just a show of hands, how many people have ever left a conversation with Ricky thinking, "That guy would really be something if he had a personality." We got one guy. Okay, yeah, not very many. Ricky can make almost anyone laugh except for poor Lauren after she's heard of the same joke for the 90th time.

I'm about to reveal Ricky's most guarded secret. I think Lauren would be here. Ricky is like the funniest person alive, for like twenty minutes next to me after that he's only so-so. I'm sorry, it's true. Don't get me wrong though, there's no one in the world I'd rather hang out with than my brother Ricky. And I mean that literally because we hang out together all the time. Sometimes we even go out to lunch together wearing the exact same outfit. It's a great time until one of Ricky's high school and college friends comes by and thinks as though we might be dating. Let me tell you that it's awkward.

Speaking of dating - see what I did there - Ricky and Lauren have been dating for the past five years. And I just want to say Lauren's making me feel amazing right now because I know this speech was terrible. She'd be giving me this look right now like, "You are making such a fool of yourself." A.K.A the look she gives Ricky 95% of the time. So thank you for the support.

Anyways, out of those five years, I can count on one hand the amount of days that they've spent apart from each other. And you know what, if it hasn't happened yet, you guys never getting sick of each other, it's not gonna happen. And I hope that it never happens because I know that you guys truly love each other.

What else but love can explain how Ricky come up to Lauren and say, "Listen, I have this great idea. I'm gonna put on this tank top, we're going outside, I'm gonna pour this freezing cold jug of milk on my head, I'm gonna make sure it's in super slow motion, and then" - (laughter) - you should give it up for [Lauren] here [inaudible] - and Lauren agrees to it. But the results speak for themselves, [inaudible].

Ricky and Lauren asked me to be their best man, that's right, their best man. Because as Ricky has put it no one has spent more time with Ricky and Lauren together than me. And I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves right now, "Wow, that sounds terrible. I don't want my little brother hanging around with my girlfriend all the time." But not once did you guys ever made me feel I was getting in your way or you secretly wish I would go away. Maybe once in a while you [inaudible], but I thank you for hiding it so well.

I honestly love you both for all that you've done for me and I couldn't be happier to be here today to celebrate your wedding. If I was less awesome, I'd be crying right now. But instead, I just wanna toast my brother Ricky and my new sister Lauren, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness and I honestly cannot wait to see what your kids end up like.

One last thing, since so many of our family came all the way from the great country of Mexico tonight, I've translated this entire speech into Spanish and I would like to read it for all of you right now. Ricky y Lauren, los quiero.

Read more: http://www.sweetspeeches.com/s/1906-best-man-the-best-best-man-speech-ever#ixzz3ebhmjtTf

Gabriel: 'The condition was that he had to write the best man toast', for Alejandro & Meghan - 2011

24 June, 2011, Massachesetts

When Ale asked me to be his best man I felt really touched. He’s such a classy guy that I was truly honored. But then he quickly followed the invitation with what he said was a very important condition. And I remember he had this conflicted look on his face like as if he wished he didn’t have to say what he was about to say, but he said it anyway and he told me that the condition was that he had to write the best man toast.

Most of you are probably puzzled and are thinking what’s up with that. But I knew exactly what he was referring to. You see, when I was in college, with my whole family in attendance, I gave a bust of an acceptance speech at a scholarship dinner and he’s never let me live it down.

So I knew well, that implicit in his conditional invitation to be his best man was a serious warning that said basically, “Don’t you dare make an ass yourself again at MY wedding.”

So, I did what every loving older brother would do, I looked past the mixed feelings of honor, excitement, AND shame that he had made me feel and I heeded his warning.

And so, as awkward as this may sound, for the first time in my lifetime, and probably yours too, I will now read to you the best man toast written by the groom himself… it reads:

Dear Ale, or as I like to call you when I look at you in the mirror every morning, dear Mr. Perfect (kiss to the bicep):

Today is your day. Tonight is your night. And can I just say this publicly: there are no words good enough to express how good you look right now, but I will try anyhow: you, hot stuff, look outstanding. All that money and effort that you put into getting your tuxedo tailored to fit your perfectly chiseled and muscular physique was well worth it! On most days, Tom Brady’s got nothing on you handsome, and tonight he’s not even close.

To my beautiful new bride Meghan: tell me, my sexy little soda bread, how does it feel to be the chosen one, the luckiest girl in the world who gets to keep this guy by your side for the rest of your life?

I mean, who would of thought that the simple act of taking my shirt off after rugby practice at Framingham State would have resulted in all of this? Well, frankly, I would have. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to resist me. If it were socially acceptable to marry oneself, I would have said “yes” to me too.

Anyhow, today is truly inspired by love, friendship and commitment…and my burning desire to populate the human race with the most beautiful and talented offspring this world has ever seen. Of course, they will all be little Crossfitters who will grow up to teach their cousins how to do burpees with perfect technique and why the Paleo Diet is good for them even if they are not even 10 years old.

Speaking of Paleo, it’s really a shame that the cup cakes are not caveman-approved. To my family and friends, please don’t be offended if I look at you with disdain as you chow down on them later. As for me, I plan on mashing a couple of them together into a kettle bell, freezing it, and doing swings with it a year from now on our wedding anniversary. With CrossFit, it’s all about doing what you can with what’s around you. Like the time we were at the lake house with the O’Brien family and I woke up wicked early to do squats with sandbags and push jerks with a kayak. My goal for this August: to LIFT the entire lake house with the whole O’Brien clan in it.

Well, I’m digressing and I think it’s time to bring this toast to a close, so I would like to end with a few words for Meghan from one of my favorite wrestlers of all time, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Dear Meghan, for the rest of your life, “I guarantee you BEYOND a shadow of a doubt, I will give you a show like you HAVE never… ever seen before…Why?…Because I can.”

PS - Lady’s and gentlemen, the Heartbreak Kid, Alex Verdaguer, has left the building.

On a serious note, I have a lot of fond memories of my times with Ale, and especially those few occasions where we managed to show one another that we really cared about each other. I want to share with you one of those examples. I was in college and I had a big weekend track competition that included some travel, so I had packed my bag the night before. Friday morning, after class, I went back home to pick up my bag and I found a note sitting on top of it. I pick it up, I see it’s from Ale, and it read something like, “Good luck this weekend. I’ll be thinking of you.” I kept the note for a while after that because it meant a lot, especially because it came at a time in our lives when we were both so busy that we barely did much together.

So, I share this story with you also to remind you of the value of doing little things like that to let each other know that you love each other.

Courtney Blair: 'If anyone can turn him, Jen it’s you', For Rob and Jen - 2010

2010, Shaw Hill Golf and country Club, Lancashire

To be honest, I am a little surprised that he is getting married to a lady today,  because there was always rumours going around the family that, y’know, that Rob might not be ... well we thought he might be gay. So I was trying to sum up some of the stories, but instead I put it into a bit of a song, so if you just bear with me.

What’s up Rob? It’s only a bloody song.

Think you’re outdoing me, pal?

So I’ve done it to the tune of ‘Matchstalk Men, and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs’. I know it’s a favourite of some people here,  so we’ll er, we’ll go with it.

So here we are, it’s 2010

A beautiful bride by the name of Jen,

Fantastic day so far’s been had by all,

I hate to be the one to say,

I always thought, that Rob was gay

Did no one read the warning signs at all?

Well it started sat on Santa’s knee,

I was six, our Rob was three

An action man was my polite request.

Then Rob sat down with his list in hand

On Santa’s lap, in this wonderland

And said, ‘I’d like a Barbie doll the best’

So here’s to Rob and Jen, on your wedding day

You were made for each other in every way

Well Rob you’ve got a beautiful wife

And I wish you a happy life

But I still believe that our Rob could be gay.

Well I was flabbergasted, struck with shock,

I couldn’t believe that Rob liked ... [laugh]

Frocks.

But I was a modern brother of the day.

There’s nothing wrong wearing comfy shoes

And meeting men in public loos,

But he’s our kid and we’ll love him anyway.

So here’s to Rob and Jen, on your wedding day

You were made for each other in every way.

Well you know you’ve got more friends than most

Raise your glasses to a toast,

To Rob and Jen, on their wedding day.

Well over twenty years have been and gone,

And here he is saying Jen’s the one,

If anyone can turn him, Jen it’s you,

He’ll steal your products to his hair,

And prance around in your underwear,

But at least he leaves the seat down on the loo.

So here’s to Rob and Jen, on your wedding day,

You were made for each other in every way,

Well Rob you’ve got a beautiful wife,

And I wish you both a happy life,

But in the laws want grand kids by the end of May.

So here’s to Rob and Jen, on your wedding day,

You were made for each other in every way.

Well charge your glasses to a toast ...

To Rob and Jen, on your wedding day.

Daniel Buccheri: 'They're stuck together for life', for brother Adrian and Sarah - 2015

29 March, 2015, Melbourne, Australia

Guess it’s true, what they say

When you become a man

When you find the one and take her hand

Luckily for you, it all went to plan

And she didn’t say no, ‘cause that’d be sad.

Now you’re here with me,

I’m singing my best man’s speech.

For my brother and his wife

Now they’re stuck together for life.

When we were kids, trying to get to sleep

You’d say to me, ‘be quiet please, I’m trying to get to sleep’

But every breath you took,

Used to sound like this [snooore!]

So when you moved out of home, I thought, 'Thank the Lord

I won’t be missing you.'

And then you hook up, with a special girl,

Thought you were dead!

Never saw you again,

Then she found the ignition,

Let you sleep in the kitchen

Had you feeding the dogs,

Doing the laundry and dishes

Your independence is gone,

No more fun on your own,

Except for your bucks last weekend,

When we were having some fun

And although you met, on the internet

I know this love is true

It’s enough, to let the dogs on your expensive rug

And not keep them outside

And hey my new sister

From anther mister

You look so great on your wedding day

I hope it’s been the perfect day

And hey my new sister

Thanks for making him so

Happy all the time

Because his loneliness had never been a friend of his

So he searched and searched for you

Then one day in the craziness you came along

He couldn’t get you out of his head

It was Sarah this, it was Sarah that,

And Sarah this

Oh I knew that he loved you,

Sarah this, and Sarah that

And Sarah this

Oh I knew that he loved you

[musical interlude]

Adrian now, you’ve become a man,

We’re not the kids, we used to be

Though we’d scream and fight, as children

Now I really like it, when we two meet

I’m so proud of you,

All you’ve done for me,

Do you realise or not,

I’ve always looked up to you,

It’s okay, if it gets you emotional,

It’s the same way, I feel for you,

All the time that's gone,

Where have the years gone,

Adrian, I’ve got so much love for you.

So won’t you raise your glass,

[raise your glasses]

For these, these special two

Wish you nothing but the best

For your lives and all the rest

This is love, it’s clear to see,

Oh this is love, it’s clear to see,

So won’t you raise your glasses with me

This is love, it’s clear to see,

I wish you joy and happiness

For eternity

Thank you guys, have an amazing life, I love you both.

Raj: 'He took my hand and said, 'Hello chocolate man!', for Jon and Katie - 2006

Uploaded August 2006, United Kingdom

Firstly I’d like to thank John for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids.

I’m sure they’ll thank you personally later.

I’m sure you’ll agree, they look absolutely gorgeous.

Ladies and gentlemen, every now and then we get such a rare opportunity to speak about a man who is witty, charming, intelligent and good looking.

Although I really shouldn’t talk about myself because this speech is about Jon.

I’m sure you’ll agree it’s been a fantastic day so far.

But unfortunately, every single lining has a cloud, and that comes in the form of me.

For those of you who don’t know me ,  my name is Raj and I’ve known Jon for well over twenty years. Since we met one fateful day at primary school.

I approached him in the corridor, held out my hand and said hi.

He took my hand in turn, and said, ‘Hello chocolate man!’

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Jon for asking me to be his best man here today. It really  is an honour to be asked and a pleasure to fulfil this role.

And for him to be finally admitting after all these years that I actually am the best man.

I do have to tell you here today that I am actually rather nervous which is very uncharacteristic of me. Just to put it in perspective how nervous I am. This is the fifth time I’ve risen from a warm seat to put a piece of paper in my hand.

It’s a bit graphic. For later maybe.

Jon wasa bit worried about the speech. He was under the strange impression that I might give his in laws the wrong impression about him somehow, or reveal some facts that he’d rather remain hidden.

So he gave me a list of some subjects he’d rather not mentioned.

I’ve got them here.

Paros 98. Tenner Reef 99. Rankin area 03. Rankin area 04. Rankin Area 05. At sea the village mule, English produce. Guy Forget. So you get the idea, I’ve got a short list ... [long list rolls out]

Part transcript