Laura Lexx: 'You are not a rock. You are more of a mattress' - 2016

April 2016, United Kingdom

I didn't trust myself that I'd be able to do this at all. So I've given him a list of things that I needed to say on the grounds that he has proven to be a much less moist public speaker.

Socially moist.

So there are just two people that I have to speak to myself.

To my sister, Sarah.

[Title … blah blah people cried]

And to my husband ... and when I started thinking about what I should say to you, I thought I might describe you as my rock, but the more that word sat there on the page, the less suitable it seemed for you.

Rocks are hard and cold and unmoving and you are none of those things. You are not a rock. You are more of a mattress ... and that's not just because I've had some of the best times of my life .... . You are warm, you are inviting, you are the centre of my home, you are my solace ... and very hard to get out of a house without help.

Leigh Maher: - 'The great thing about your own wedding is that you actually know everyone in the room', Phoebe and Leigh - 2015

5 December 2015, Richmond, Melbourne, Australia

To our families, friends, colleagues, the staff and any other stragglers who have walked in off the street seeking a free drink, welcome to our wedding reception.

Phoebe and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming. The great thing about your own wedding is that you actually know everyone in the room, and from up here, it’s a pretty humbling experience that so many of you have been able to attend.  A special thank you must go to all of our friends and family who have travelled from afar, noting travellers from Ballarat, Hobart, Sydney, Perth, New Zealand, Singapore and the UK.

We would also like to thank a few special people whom, without them, this day would not have been possible.

Deb/Alan

Firstly we need to thank Deb for writing our beautiful ceremony piece. To have an author of your caliber create such an extraordinary, personal piece of writing is a genuine honor and one that Phoebe and I will treasure.

Thank you for the ease and warmth in which you welcomed me into the Kohler family. Family dinners and Deb’s cooking are a real highlight of each week. And Alan, our ritual of attending Essendon’s games where we have forged our own friendship, becoming mates over a cold pie and a lukewarm mid strength beer, means a lot to me. Phoebe’s and I thank you both for everything you have done for us.

Frank/Marlene

My mum and dad.  Thanks for………well, raising Me and Stace. Think you guys did a bang up job on that front. Thanks for putting up with me over the years. To Dad, for humoring me when I made ridiculous requests like can we put Johnny Farnham on the car stereo on our drives to QLD – and actually doing it (the correct answer there is always ‘no’ but thanks anyway).  And Mum for keeping a straight face at all the stupid questions I would ask as a kid – like, ‘Do I feel well?’ A huge thanks for welcoming Phoebe into our family. You have both been a massive support to Phoebe and I, especially of late, and for that we are forever grateful.  

The past 12 months have been a challenge and both families have offered nothing but unwavering support, love and guidance. We cannot thank you enough for all you have done.

Alice

Groom Speech 101 tells you: make sure you say how beautiful the bridesmaid looks, and move on. And Alice does look amazing. But Alice has also been a massive help and a very calming influence to both Phoebes and I throughout the organizing of today. Her talents as a designer are second to none, her beautiful work is visible on the menus, seating chart and place cards, not mention the stunning invitations you all received. I’m pretty lucky to have such an intelligent and wickedly funny sister in law.

Looking forward to being neighbors again soon Matey – you are the best.

A special thanks to Henry for doing such a great job with the reading today as well – that London to Melbourne flight is a bit of a killer so it means a lot that you are here with us today.

Stacey

To Stacey, the best sister I could ever ask for. I love our midweek ‘debrief’ sessions at what ever watering hole will serve us.  Of late, this usually involves running into you on the way to work the next morning, often both feeling a little dusty. I really value our chats, the fact you are always a phone call away and your ability to always find the humor in everything. Thanks for always being there and thanks for the reading today – it meant a lot.

Chris

To Chris our MC, the man with the golden tonsils. What a quality bloke to have as your brother in law and genuinely one of the funniest people I know. I think I speak not only for myself, but the local economy of the Hawthorn pub scene when I say that its always a better weekend when you are in town. Cheers for helping out tonight Mate. And thanks to Sam for coming down from Sydney as well, it wouldn’t have been as fun without you both.

Give it up to our MC Chris Kohler – nailed it.

I’d like to thank a couple of mates who’ helped out today as well:

Saards

A big thanks for the music at the ceremony – having done it before, it’s the one guarantee on the wedding day that there is a snag with the music at the ceremony – there was and you nailed it.  Cheers Saards.

Jason

The epitome of a best man. Choosing you as my best man was possibly the easiest decision I made regarding our wedding. A big thank you for organizing the bucks, getting me home from the bucks, for not losing the rings, and barring a few factual inaccuracies, providing us with a pretty decent best man speech.  Appreciate you always being there, Mate.

And finally - my wife, Phoebe.

You are best thing that has ever happened to me.  Thank you for your patience, support and for always being there with a laugh and a smile.  You are the love of my life PK and I look forward to spending the rest of our days together.

Tim McGregor: 'From the truly bizarre way we met next to a skip bin at the Crusty Demons show in Bundaberg', for Kate - 2012

11 August 2012, Stokehouse restaurant, St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia

My wife and I … wow there you have it!  Isn’t she the most gorgeous lady and I’m a very, very lucky man as you all keep reminding me.

So … my wife and I would like to extend our very warmest greetings to all of you, the friends and relatives of both families; especially those who have travelled long distances, to be here with us today.  Henry from Denver, Libby from LA, Rochelle from London, the Bullens from Brisbane, Kate’s Sydney posse and, of course, Macca from St Kilda East – we are thrilled you could all make it.

Beautiful Kate, you are simply the most spectacular person I have ever met.  And the most ridiculous.  It’s those two qualities that have made you so appealing to me and I love you very much.  You are always up for challenges, you are super smart, very funny in a completely absurd way – we laugh so much together my cheeks are always hurting - you are charming, warm and engaging to anyone you meet and incredibly loyal and generous to your friends and family.  Yes ladies and gentlemen…Kate…KMAC…is the complete package. 

From the truly bizarre way we met next to a skip bin at the Crusty Demons show in Bundaberg, to the enormous dedication and courage you showed to make our long distance relationship work, to the way you now light up our home - and soon we’ll have another ray of light come into our lives – I am just so thankful for our relationship.  I’ve never been happier and I am so excited about our future. 

I would like to give a very warm thank you to Kate’s Mum and Dad,

Angie and Garth, for allowing me to marry their daughter - and I think it really could have gone pear-shaped when I arrived in Wagga by helicopter to ask permission.  Thank you for welcoming me into your family, for the cleansing attributes of your infamous Tumbarumbah home brew and for the near-death 4-wheel driving experiences down steep, rocky, ravines.  I would also like to thank you very sincerely, for your generous contribution to our wedding and reception.

I would like to thank my Mum and Dad, Margaret and Robert, for all the happy years we have had together and for your continued love and support.  And I want to thank my brothers Rohan, Andy and Matt – we’re all getting closer as a family as time passes. 

Now we don’t have bridesmaids as such but, if we did, then they would be Sally, Libby, Nelly and Rochelle – Kate’s closest pals.  Can I ask that everyone rise while I propose a toast to these ladies, who look so beautiful today and because they have been so supportive to Kate.  To the ladies!  Thank you very much.

Right who’s next;--my blokes.

There is so much to say about these guys; truly some of the best friends one could have and all have provided me with great support over the years.

Matt “Disco” Sheehan – thanks for your wonderful reading today and for your always infectious humour and encyclopaedic knowledge of some of the most interesting yet frivolous information.

Henry “Moose” Jones – thanks for your kind words today.  Our time in Vail together with your family at Christmas brought Kate and I so close together and we miss you and Nessy every day.  Sorry about the ski accident with your 5 year old…err…she started it.

James “Jamo” Eadie – my oldest pal and the guy who knows me best; thanks for being the ring custodian and witness to our marriage today. 

Jono Caughey – thanks so much for organising the bux turn, which I emerged out of surprisingly unscathed, and for concocting the fantastic music playlist for today.  Really appreciated mate.

Mikey Miller & Dan Last – thanks for your great friendship over the years and attending the final breakfast meeting of the elders this morning.

Thank you very much lads, for your assistance and support today and over the journey.  Cheers!

Special thanks to Rachel Nossack for all her fine organisational efforts as our wedding ninja, with some usual and unusual challenges taken in her stride.  And to our celebrant – the inimitable Jon Von Goes – and our fabulous MC, Shane Jacobson, for graciously filling in after Michael Buble and Hugh Jackman mysteriously fell through.  In all seriousness, thanks mate.

Well that’s about it now, apart from once again thanking you all very sincerely on behalf of Kate and myself, for being here today, and for all your kind thoughts, cards and wonderful presents.---

Thank you very much and we hope you are having a great day.

Kevin Brereton: 'Little did I know that five years later, I'd be falling in love with my best friend', Kevin and Rachael - 2010

Uploaded 11 July 2010, United Kingdom

Give me a P-I-R Arrrrrrh

Distinguished guests, family friends and JT.

Rachael and I would like to thank you for joining us to celebrate our special day with us. I can honestly say it wouldn’t have been the same without you. It would have been considerably cheaper ...

Firstly I’d like to say a big thank you to John and pat for producing such a beautiful, strong, intelligent, and independent daughter.

John, thanks for the warning about the extreme physical violence I would receive should I not treat Rachael in the manner she deserves.

But you can trust me when I say that I will always love her, and protect her.

I’d like to thank John and Pat for welcoming me into their family. I feel totally at home with them. Although Pat, I don’t think it’s necessary for you to do those naked bombs on me at the villa.

Talking of Pat, would you mind standing up please, do a twirl so everyone can see you, okay that’s enough of that, you give her a little bit of limelight...

I’m sure you’ll all agree that Pat looks absolutely stunning today.

Now they say, that if you want to know what you’re wife’s going to look like when she’s older, just look to the mother. Well Pat, I’m looking -- and I’m liking.

Mum and Dad -- I’d like to thank you for producing such an incredible son. I know, I know, you can’t believe how fortunate you are to have me, but as everybody here today knows, this isn’t about me, it’s about Rachael.

Seriously though, you’ve always been there when I needed you, and supported me through everything I’ve done and thank you for that. 

I’m sure you’ll all agree that Rachael looks absolutely incredible, amazing today. Seeing you walk down the aisle made me think that maybe I’m the one whose got the best out of this deal.

Believe it or not ... did I say it the wrong way round?

Knew I should have read the card.

Now believe it or not, one of us in this relationship can be quite arrogant.

They can also be pig headed, stubborn -- they think they know it all from how to cut grass, to how things should operate in the bedroom. But luckily for me, Rachael has been patient, open and willing to learn.

On a serious note, though, I’d like everyone to know how lucky I feel to have Rachael as my partner in life.

We met 13 years ago, and quickly grew to be very close.

Little did I know that five years later, I’d be falling in love with my best friend.

I remember our first night spent together at Vicki’s house. Which at the time had no doors on the bedrooms, I’m really sorry Vicki. [Inaudible]

And thinking Rach might take me too seriously, I uttered those immortal words, ‘Rach, I just want you to know, this is just for fun.’ Can you say, fucking hell?

Unfortunately for me, Vicki was listening in the next room, and I was subjected to a huge amount of abuse for the next six months. Or was it four years? However it wasn’t really just for fun because within two weeks I’d fallen head over heels, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Rachael is caring funny intelligent and beautiful, I’m so lucky that you lowered yourself, to me.

I’ve had the best eight years of my life with you, and I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my days by your side.

I must say it’s not always easy being Rachael partner. I try to keep myself in shape for her over the years. Is she dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.

Rachael, thank you for marrying me and loving me so much.

Ladies and gentleman, please be upstanding for probably the most important toast I’ll ever make.

To my life and my absolute world -- to Rachael.

And there’s more. Finish on a peak they say.

Leah, thank you for being the best bridesmaid we could have ever hoped for. You look absolutely stunning today, which I’m sure everyone has said.

And we’d like to give you a gift, but not just for being a great bridesmaid, but for being a wonderful daughter as well.  It’s a load of Tesco’s shopping bags.

I’d also like to thank Helen, Vicki, Jo and Lucy, for all the help organising Rachael ahead of today. Although she can be quite well organised, when it came to this wedding, she genuinely didn’t know that we were supposed to have a guest book, or even a wedding cake.

Thanks to Pearce, Ali and Andrew for being my ushers today. There wasn’t much for you to do but look good, and although you might have let me down somewhat on that front. I understand that you tried your best.

Kim, some more tears might be coming here. I want to thank Kim for agreeing to be my best man. We’ve shared some of the best times together over the last eighteen years, [video runs out]