Ashcombe Maze, Shoreham
Hello, I’m Tony Wilson, and I’ve been requested by the Tim and Naomi to act as MC this evening. Welcome to everyone - friends, family, and of course partners of friends who were lucky to cop the handbag invite here tonight. Welcome. You are all ‘crew’ (as people from the Peninsula are so fond of putting it). One of the conditions for my appointment was to agree to act as ‘heckle fodder’ for the more unruly amongst you, so if you do over the course of the next few hours feel inclined to hurl a little abuse at any of the speakers, or perhaps even a bit of food, please ladies and gentlemen, direct it at me. It’s my job.
It's now time to welcome the bridal party. I’ll try not to make it sound like one of those mounting yard reports you hear on 3UZ ...
INTRODUCTIONS FOR SPEECHES
John D - father of the bride
For just good old fashioned, bawl for half an hour romance, you can’t go past the night Tim proposed to Naomi. They’d been together 5 years to the day, and Tim took Naomi to the beautiful ‘Arthur’s’ restaurant at Arthur’s Seat, bought a ridiculously expensive bottle of red wine, took Naomi back to the maze, sat her in the middle of the maze, dosed her up on a ridiculously expensive bottle of champagne, and then dropped a diamond ring in her glass. As great as that story is, one wonders how different the night might have been without John and Sally D who:
(a) Constructed the maze; and
(b) Lent Tim the money to buy dinner, wine and champagne because Tim had left his wallet in another woman’s handbag the night before.
Introducing the father of the bride, John Daly.
Robert McGregor - father of the groom
One of the interesting things about the name McGregor, is that if you take the little c and put it at the end, then swap the M with the first ‘g’, and then switch the places of the vowels, you get ‘Ggrogerm’
Fans of the Muppet Show will remember Dr Bob, the insane awful gagging doctor on ‘Pigs in Space’. We have our own Dr Bob here tonight, the man who did his done his bit for the lineage of the clan McGregor, introducing Tim’s father, Dr Robert McGregor.
James E - best man
The first time I ever saw James Eadie he was on my front lawn at my parents' beach house at Merricks Beach, sitting on his haunches, wearing a Stackhat, and preparing to smash his head into Tim, who was also sitting on his haunches wearing a Stackhat. I’d now like to introduce the best man, Jammo.
Louise M - bridesmaid
Why is it that every northern Victorian town has to be the capital of something? Shepparton is the grape capital. Swan Hill the riverboat capital. Wangaratta is the peach capital. Perhaps the most startling is poor old Mooroopna, which tagged itself with the unfortunate title, ‘fruit salad capital of Australia’. This mishap occurred after the town elders discovered that the highly sought after ‘orange’ capital had gone to Mildura. For those of you wondering why on earth this is relevant, the simple answer is that it isn’t, except to say that our next speaker hails from that fruit belt up north. Please welcome Louise M.
Tim McGregor - groom
[Tell the Preston sting. Read the letter.]
Tim you’re a sonofabitch, and one of the greatest people I will ever meet. Ladies and gentlemen, the groom, Tim McGregor.
Naomi D - bride
The night wouldn’t be complete without a maxim at Maxims. Always leave the best (and most beautiful) to last. At home I have a book on the origin of names, and against ‘Naomi’ it’s just written ‘Biblical’.
I was a bit disappointed about the lack of material this provided, but undeterred, I looked further afield for the origin of the shortened version of the name –Nay - and found that it comes from an English word meaning the ‘prolonged natural cry or call of a horse’.
Given Naomi’s love for horses, especially the much-loved horse of her life, that seemed strangely appropriate. Please welcome the most beautiful, most married woman of the moment, Mrs Naomi D.