2012
Mark Gee, comfortably pre-wedding.
Rob Clancy: 'I’m not here to embarrass him ….. it’s just hard to avoid it sometimes', for Mark and Mary - 2006
23 December, 2006, Glebe, Sydney
Good evening to all of you and welcome to this wonderful occasion.
My name’s Rob and I first met Mark almost 20 years ago when he moved to Melbourne. I probably wouldn’t have been quite so friendly to him if I’d realized he was going to stay for the next 10 years, but sometimes you just can’t help bad luck.
We’ve waited a long time for this wedding, but some of Mark & Mary’s friends, when they heard that the big day was 2 days before Christmas, thought they wouldn’t have minded waiting a bit longer.
But it is a fabulous event, and for some reason I’ve been asked to say a few words in celebration.
It’s not my job to stand up here today and embarrass Mark … that duty is left to the Best Man, who’s known him at least twice as long as I have … but I’ll do my best regardless.
I’ve been told to keep it short, which is good, because apparently the etiquette is for a speech like this to last as long as the time it takes for the groom to make love.
So thank you all for coming and good night.
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But seriously, they say a good speech is the best present you can give a newly married couple. And that’s good, because I haven’t actually bought them anything.
I’ve been doing a bit of research and found out a few things about Mark from the days before I knew him.
This may be hard to believe ….. but apparently Mark wasn’t the most attractive baby you’ve ever seen. In fact I’m told that his Mum, Moira, only started getting morning sickness after he was born!
But as I say, I’m not here to embarrass him ….. it’s just hard to avoid it sometimes.
You see Mark was a bit of a slow starter. He wasn’t like all the other 5 year olds in his class when he went to school…….he was eleven.
On the other hand Mary was different. She loved school. People would ask her parents what they thought she’d be when she left school and they would usually say “About 28”.
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But enough of the family secrets. What I really want to tell you is that the Mark Gee I know is just about the most passionate, sincere, dependable and trustworthy person you could ever hope to meet.
He left Melbourne some time ago, but even if we haven’t spoken for months, the friendship is always there, ready to pick up where we left off the moment one of us picks up the phone.
We’ve shared houses together – and by the way, I don’t think it’s normal for any straight man to be quite as neat as he is – we’ve travelled together, we’ve laughed a hell of a lot together, we’ve shared all kinds of experiences, and I can honestly say I don’t think we’ve ever had a cross word.
But that’s not normal either, so it’s about time he got married, so he can catch up on all that arguing he’s missed out on.
In fact one of the best weeks of my life was spent traveling around Ireland with Mark. But we couldn’t understand why people either broke up laughing or just looked stunned when we told them our names.
I was pretty confident that Clancy was a common enough name in Ireland, but it all became clear after a few days when one bloke told us that Gee is Irish slang for just about the rudest thing you can possibly say. From that day on, Mark had a lot more fun saying his name.
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As for Mary, I obviously don’t know her so well – she’s the woman who appeared on the scene when Mark was in the Northern Territory – working in a gold mine during the week & sleeping in the back of a Land Cruiser outside Damien & Fran’s place in Darwin on the weekends.
But even watching their relationship from a distance it’s been obvious that Mary’s been wonderful for him. From the first time I heard him speak about her it was clear that this relationship had something special about it. For a start, she didn’t charge, like most of the women he’d been out with.
As their partnership has grown and strengthened, there have been questions about where they would live, what types of work they would pursue, whether it’s possible for one man to eat that much chocolate and still have no arse … but from what I could tell, there was never any question of whether they would be together or not.
Mary’s a very special woman and Mark knows how lucky he was to find her, and in Mark I think Mary has found a man she can trust – someone who she may not always agree with, but someone she knows will always do the right thing by her.
It’s a pleasure to know this wonderful couple; it’s a pleasure to be here with all of you today, and most of all, it’s a pleasure to see that finally, Mark’s taken Mary up the aisle.
Thank you.
For Brad & Jamie: 'You guys look like you're a strong couple', Gut wrenching toast
Unknown, USA
Julian Schiller: "Laughter is the closest distance", for Tony and Kate - 2003
15 March, 2003, Melbourne, Australia
I’m going to start off by taking you back to where this all began. It was a Sunday afternoon in 1991 when Tony took that fateful step, picked up the phone, called e-harmony and gave out his credit card details.
Kate and Tony first met at a pub in Fitzroy called the Rainbow Hotel. It was at a meeting for the Melbourne University Film-making club, of which they were both members. Soon after they went on a date which had good aspects and bad aspects. It was bad because Tony spent most of the evening bitching about an ex-girlfriend with whom he had recently separated. It was good however because this prevented him from mentioning military aircraft for the entiriety of the evening.
It’s quite poetic that Tony and Kate met in the film club because that experience, in many ways, changed their lives. Making short Super 8 films inspired them both to seek careers in the creative arts. Kate was later accepted into VCA to study film-making, and Tony began to perform comedy spots on 3RRR. So you could say, that on that Sunday afternoon in the Rainbow Hotel, Tony and Kate, without actually knowing it, discovered what they wanted to do with their lives and who they wanted to share it with. Which in itself, is quite remarkable.
But then again, Tony and Kate’s relationship is quite remarkable. They’ve known each other for 12 years, and, at times been more on and off than Mick Jagger’s undies, but the connection they shared never dimmed. Those who knew them always prayed this day would come, where both of them would realise what was obvious to everyone, that from that day in 1991, they always had been, and aways would be, deeply in love.
Let me quickly say something about Tony. I have worked with this mad Irishman for over ten years writing and performing comedy, which in itself is a high pressure job, especially when, like us, you’re not actually funny. Having got to know Tony well over this time, can I just say he’s a kind and generous lover....no I’d just like to say Tony is one of the most centered, most moral, most supportive, and most loyal people I have ever met. Tony loves, values and respects the most important people in life, his family, his friends, and now, most of all his new bride Kate.
Once early on in our careers, Tony missed the 21st birthday of his brother Joe due to a meeting with Channel Ten in Sydney. Tony was deeply upset after this and vowed never again to put his the needs of his family and friends second to anything And to this day, 10 years later, I’ve never known him to do so.
I was trying to think of a phrase to sum up Tony and Kate’s relationship, and the one that instantly sprang to mind was “laughter and love”. Tony and Kate are always laughing. Whether they’re teasing each other, or joking about the days events, or photographing each other naked in police custody, they love a good laugh. Victor Borges said ‘Laughter is the closest distance between two people’. Tony and Kate are proof of that. Tony and Kate are so natural around each other, because they enjoy each other’s differences and laugh at them. And if they decide to breed, with all that laughter and love I can think of no better environment for a child to be born into. If that offspring dislikes airplanes however, I can think of no worse environment for a child to be born into.
I also wanted to say something about love, since this occassion is basically a ceremony which celebrates the love in it’s most pure form. And as love is a slightly mystical and magical force, I think it’s always best summed up by poetry, so I’d like to read you a poem by E.E. Cummings.....
There once was a man from Nantucket....
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Tony Wilson: 'I’ll try not to make it sound like one of those mounting yard reports you hear on 3UZ', For Tim and Naomi
Ashcombe Maze, Shoreham
Hello, I’m Tony Wilson, and I’ve been requested by the Tim and Naomi to act as MC this evening. Welcome to everyone - friends, family, and of course partners of friends who were lucky to cop the handbag invite here tonight. Welcome. You are all ‘crew’ (as people from the Peninsula are so fond of putting it). One of the conditions for my appointment was to agree to act as ‘heckle fodder’ for the more unruly amongst you, so if you do over the course of the next few hours feel inclined to hurl a little abuse at any of the speakers, or perhaps even a bit of food, please ladies and gentlemen, direct it at me. It’s my job.
It's now time to welcome the bridal party. I’ll try not to make it sound like one of those mounting yard reports you hear on 3UZ ...
INTRODUCTIONS FOR SPEECHES
John D - father of the bride
For just good old fashioned, bawl for half an hour romance, you can’t go past the night Tim proposed to Naomi. They’d been together 5 years to the day, and Tim took Naomi to the beautiful ‘Arthur’s’ restaurant at Arthur’s Seat, bought a ridiculously expensive bottle of red wine, took Naomi back to the maze, sat her in the middle of the maze, dosed her up on a ridiculously expensive bottle of champagne, and then dropped a diamond ring in her glass. As great as that story is, one wonders how different the night might have been without John and Sally D who:
(a) Constructed the maze; and
(b) Lent Tim the money to buy dinner, wine and champagne because Tim had left his wallet in another woman’s handbag the night before.
Introducing the father of the bride, John Daly.
Robert McGregor - father of the groom
One of the interesting things about the name McGregor, is that if you take the little c and put it at the end, then swap the M with the first ‘g’, and then switch the places of the vowels, you get ‘Ggrogerm’
Fans of the Muppet Show will remember Dr Bob, the insane awful gagging doctor on ‘Pigs in Space’. We have our own Dr Bob here tonight, the man who did his done his bit for the lineage of the clan McGregor, introducing Tim’s father, Dr Robert McGregor.
James E - best man
The first time I ever saw James Eadie he was on my front lawn at my parents' beach house at Merricks Beach, sitting on his haunches, wearing a Stackhat, and preparing to smash his head into Tim, who was also sitting on his haunches wearing a Stackhat. I’d now like to introduce the best man, Jammo.
Louise M - bridesmaid
Why is it that every northern Victorian town has to be the capital of something? Shepparton is the grape capital. Swan Hill the riverboat capital. Wangaratta is the peach capital. Perhaps the most startling is poor old Mooroopna, which tagged itself with the unfortunate title, ‘fruit salad capital of Australia’. This mishap occurred after the town elders discovered that the highly sought after ‘orange’ capital had gone to Mildura. For those of you wondering why on earth this is relevant, the simple answer is that it isn’t, except to say that our next speaker hails from that fruit belt up north. Please welcome Louise M.
Tim McGregor - groom
[Tell the Preston sting. Read the letter.]
Tim you’re a sonofabitch, and one of the greatest people I will ever meet. Ladies and gentlemen, the groom, Tim McGregor.
Naomi D - bride
The night wouldn’t be complete without a maxim at Maxims. Always leave the best (and most beautiful) to last. At home I have a book on the origin of names, and against ‘Naomi’ it’s just written ‘Biblical’.
I was a bit disappointed about the lack of material this provided, but undeterred, I looked further afield for the origin of the shortened version of the name –Nay - and found that it comes from an English word meaning the ‘prolonged natural cry or call of a horse’.
Given Naomi’s love for horses, especially the much-loved horse of her life, that seemed strangely appropriate. Please welcome the most beautiful, most married woman of the moment, Mrs Naomi D.
Ollie: 'She deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one', for Simon and Kim - 2007
2007
Hi I'm Ollie, all the way from the UK
First of all I'd like to raise a massive toast to two of the most beautiful, wonderful and loving people I've ever had the pleasure to have in my life.
So if everyone can raise their glasses ... I've lost mine, but ...
So huge cheers to their future, our fortune, and everyone having a blast in this celebration of this wonderful event.
So before I really get going, let me just say that the formative years I have spent in the company of the groom, means he has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Simon if it's not.
And my second disclaimer is, that my speech does not really contain any original material. So if anyone is offended, it's got nothing to do with me.
I'm told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules: stand up, speak up, then very quickly shut up. So I'll try and stick to that advice. As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition, I'm supposed to sing the grooms praises, and tell you all about his many good points. Well I'm very sorry to say that I can't sing, and I won't lie.
I'm slightly bothered by the title of best man. If I'm the best man, then why is Kim marrying Simon? So I'm just happy in saying, that I'm a pretty good man. Because today Simon is the best man. And he is a man that admire for many reasons. Most notably his generous nature, what with him donating his body to science when he started at Plymouth University, and preserving it in alcohol the entire time he went there.
Now I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had. But I don't want to get into all of that. Because frankly, I find such macho, male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But suffice to say, Simon, number 72, that was your lucky number.
Now I really should grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to reveal to you Simon's past misdemeanors. Unfortunately, I've played a part on most of these, and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation.
I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Simon. It will teach him loyalty, self restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play, and so many other qualities he just wouldn't need, had he stayed single.
So I'd just like to say to Simon, you're a lucky groom, marrying Kim, who is beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one.
And now you're married, your level of domesticity needs to greatly improve. You need to find where the kitchen is, and learn what the mysterious items contained within it actually do. Gone are the days of hitting speed dial and waiting forty five minutes. You're going to have to start transferring food onto dishes, instead of eating it directly out of the saucepan. And you know that wet area that kitchens have? It's called a sink. The more you use it, the more Kim will love you.
So if we can all raise our glasses again and toast: to love, to laughter and to a happy ever after.
Cheers!