For Gabe and Gabi: 'The photo that really counts hasn’t been taken yet', by Mark Baker - 2016

4 December 2016, Melbourne, Australia

Gabe and Gabi were married just months after Mark’s wife and Gabe’s mother Kerryn died from cancer. She spoke beautifully at their engagement and that is on Speakola.

’When thinking of speaking today, all my family felt it was too hard. They didn’t want to get too sloppy and emotional in public – so I put up my hand and here I am. It’s not everyday that my darling son becomes engaged – autocorrect – married - to the most beautiful girl in the world.’

The problem is, as most of you know, those aren’t my words. They were spoken by Kerryn, who was always the brave one in the family; the one who killed the spiders in our house, stamped on the cockroaches, changed the lightbulbs, took my mother on shopping expeditions, and chased a burglar down the staircase while I hid under the covers.

I’m not here to eulogise Kerryn, but I also can’t leave her to a paragraph of acknowledgment in the middle of a speech, which is why I’ve been accepting those whisky shots even though I can’t stand the taste of hard spirits.

As you know, neither of us believed in souls that live on after death, and while I accept the sentiments of all those who grope for words of comfort, I don’t believe that Kerryn is looking down on us from the heavens, or that we will be reunited any time in the future. But Kerryn’s afterlife has been more powerful than anything I have ever experienced. Those of us who loved her - her children, her siblings and extended family, her friends, and me – her husband – carry her inside us and can’t let go of her. I go to bed at night staring at the emptiness beside me, but conjuring her shape as if she is still there, and then I wake at odd hours, because I feel the covers being tugged to one side, and for a second I think it is her.

There are recurring dreams, some too horrifying to share, but one which I dreamed this week, not for the first time. In it, she is still alive during her illness, and she turns to me and says, Marky, when I die, I want you to plant photographs on my grave. I toy with her and say - and you can plant them in mine too - but she won’t let me get away with it. No really. I negotiate: What about a video? and she shakes her head and so my mind drifts to the mound of earth in the cemetery which me and Gabe visited two weeks ago, covered with photographs from her head to her toes.

In my dream I don’t see the images on the photos, but today, here, now, I can see some of the pictures I would plant. They all come from albums that she herself devised, for even though I am the historian in the family, she was the archivist, and the bearer of our family memories. On holidays, I was always off taking Leica photos of impoverished people in third world countries while her camera was focussed toward the children. That was her – the devoted Mum. So I want to share some of those images that I see, and imagine Kerryn compiling them with me.

1. There is the photo of me and Kerryn taken 33 years ago, plus one week. We are in the gardens of Leonda, it was a hot day like here, everyone was sweating, and we are posed by the photographer with our arms around each other. I look at my bride with love, and it is the start of a marriage. When I look at Gabe and Gabi today, here at Byron Bay, I see the same love that launches a marriage, only they had 8 years to nurture it. I’m so glad that Kerryn got to see your love grow, and while we know that the long road that will last till old age can undulate and become rocky at times, we have always felt that you are the most perfect match. Kerryn used to say as a couples’ therapist that who you love is a choice, but I think there is a part of us that also believed that you two are truly Bashert, fated to be together at the start of a journey of lifelong bliss.

2. I would plant a photo of us at Oxford standing in front of the meadows of Magdalen College in the mid 80s, dressed very pretentiously in tweeds and corduroy. It was the beginning of our dreams. We used to watch ‘Brideshead Revisited’ and imagined an exciting life ahead of us. And it is a blessing I wish for you. You’re both extraordinary kids – I should say adults - Gabe with a law degree and showing the guts to leave the security of his job and throw himself into a start-up, and now getting a job at Mckinsey which will open the most exciting doors for you. And Gabi a doctor like so many in the family, and specialising in radiation oncology. We wish you both, like all of our children, a life that is not staid and boring, but full of risk, wonderment, purpose and growth.

3. This one’s hard. I want a holiday picture. I have more photos than a pack of cards to choose from – the annual pilgrimage to Kibbbutz Seahaven at Noosa, the Club Med holidays with friends where you’d dress up as circus animals or fly on a trapeze or sing Hands Up, photos from palaces in India where you all chanted ‘No More Silly Palaces!’, the sand dunes of the Atlas Mountains in Morocco, treks in Thailand. I know Gabe would want me to choose the one from Kenya where we went on Safari, but I want to choose a photo from a trip in an island off Africa called Llamu where we got sand banked on a dhow, an ancient sailboat, at dusk. Kerryn had broken her leg on the Seychelles island and the only way back to shore was swimming on the shoulders of a couple of local sailors. I remember that photo now because it was one of those moments of terror when we all got separated in the dark, calling out each other’s names, and lived to tell the story. I know how much you love Bondi but I wish you a lifetime of travel, adventure, measured risk, and where you will always protect each other in the dark as well as light.

4. I can’t resist the photo of you Gabe, and Sarah, at Rachel’s batmitzvah – the two of you singing this crazy song, hamming it up and letting yourselves go. It was a moment that only siblings can share, and a memory we will always cherish. What I wish is that as the years go on that all your siblings on both sides – and their partners whoever they choose – do weird and wonderful things together, let the inevitable fights blow over, and share fun times together. Always think back to this year and how you had each other’s backs. Nothing comforted me more this year than sharing laughter, and tears with you all.

5. Then there’s the photo I have to include of you on March of the Living. I have the same photo of each of our kids in successive years – Gabe, Sarah and Rachel, standing at Auschwitz in the same spot where Zaida once stood. We also have a picture of Rachel at Belzec with me, where Buba’s whole town died, leaving her as the only child survivor. You knew you wouldn’t get away without me mentioning the Holocaust but what I want you to remember is that today when we smash the glass, we are reminded of not only the responsibilities that come with carrying the torch of those memories, but the joy and spirit my parents – your Buba and Zaida embodied in defiance of death. Two years ago was the seventieth anniversary of the annual Buchenwald Ball, which more than anything captures what we’ve come to call ‘dancing through our pain.’ Mum became an honorary Buchenwalder through marriage, which makes you one Gabi. At last, you’re a descendant of Holocaust survivors and not just a Lithuanian and South African immigrant. That 70th anniversary was organised table by table by Mum, one month before she was diagnosed with cancer, and will remind us always that our legacy is to always celebrate life and dance through the pain until we find double doses of joy to make up for the sorrow. Like tonight.

6. There are so many other photos. I think of the pictures of you in Israel when we lived there again in 1995, and how after the Second Intifada, we all arrived the day after a bomb went off at a Café on Emek Refaim. I was frozen and didn’t want to leave the hotel, but Mum pushed us to go out and light candles and by the end of the trip, at your insistence Gabe, we left you for a few months at a school while you were in Year Ten. There was something about that moment that made us realise that you’re your own man. I’m proud that all of my kids and Gabi have this love of Israel, even if it’s mainly to the Tel Aviv party life, and as you know, I hope that you express that love through concern for building the best, most just society, not only in Israel, but here in Australia and in other parts of the world.

7. We don’t really take photos of Seders but we’ve got lots of images. So I have to include a picture of us seated as is our custom on the floor, me in the days when I wore a white kittl and did magic tricks to keep you interested, the times we shared each night with the Wollners, Weins, Weins and Bakers. You’re so lucky to have a close set of Aunties and Uncles who would do anything for you, cousins you love; remember, they and your siblings are always there for you, as we say on Pesach, bechol dor vador - in this and all the generations to come.

8. Rabbi Ralph already talked about a picture I would include by tying Mum’s bridal veil on a pole around the chuppa – of me and Mum on Simchat Torah when Mum was Kallat Torah and I was Chattan Torah. Mum learned to read from the Torah the end of the story in Devarim and I would chant the beginning part from Bereishit, joining our ends and beginnings together in one story as we rolled back the Torah scroll. That moment captures not only the fun spirit we had, Mum squeezing into her dress and me into my suit, but through this ritual we re-enacted our marriage, reigniting some of what gets lost in the routines of life, especially when it comes to bringing up kids. We did the same for Buba and Zaida on their 50th wedding anniversary, when we organised a treasure hunt for them in the city, and then dressed them up like a young married couple. Learn from that – how in marriage it’s not just tonight, but if you can, make every day your marriage day and don’t let go of what you are feeling now. Nurture it, and remember: Love means having to say you’re sorry.

9. The next photo is of Gabe’s proposal where he involved the whole family in the process, but the main picture I want to plant is of you Gabi being let out of a car in town. It was raining and we walked up Swanston St, with Kerryn holding your hand, up to Cookies restaurant in the city, and found the same table we’d sat on when you first came out for dinner. You said in your speech I intimidated you – do I still? But we have that most precious photo of the 3 of us, drinking a cocktail, celebrating the Gabi who has come to be part of our family. You’re one of the kids to me now, and you and Kerryn showed so much love and respect for each other. Your parents have been extraordinary to Gabe, providing a second family for him in Sydney. We get to do the same with you at Aroona and on holidays and I promise you, if you do stay in Sydney, once you have kids, I’ve told Karen and Colin that I’ll be in Bondi as often as I can babysitting… and sunbaking.

10. Then there is the photo of us dancing at your engagement after Gabe cried and said, I’ll never be happy again. But look how happy we were then and now. And part of the reason is that as a family we hold each other up – not only on our side, but with the special bond that we’ve all created with Karen and Colin, and how Marlene and Sydney have bonded with Buba and Zaida. I love that you all, Deena and Josh, Sarah and Rachel, with your partners, Matt, Benj and Charlette, are so close. I don’t know about you Josh because you’re in LA marketing Tindr – maybe in a couple of years you can show me how it works. But what I want to emphasise is how lucky we are to have Karen and Colin as our machetunim. Now that’s a new word for me. We just get on so well and I know that the three of us are the village you will need to build a strong home and marriage.

11. There are pictures of us from the past ten months that I want to cherish tonight. The four of us in Byron, running to the lighthouse, searching from farm to farm, until Gabi said, This is it and we knew it was. And then there is the photo of us in Bryon, the four of us sitting on a huge deck chair over the beach, oblivious of the mosquitos that would zone in on me and give me Dengue Fever, and you reading the manuscript of my memoir about Mum, and crying together. What was Hillary’s campaign. Stronger Together. And as much as I hate Trump, We’ll make our lives great again.

12. And then there is this photo, today. Me walking you to the chuppa, you giving a speech Gabe and Gabi with strength and tears. One of the last things me and Mum did was search in the Yarra Valley for the perfect venue. It wasn’t meant to be but those trips we took, with Kerryn barely able to walk out of the car, one with Gabe makes me realise how much she would have loved being here. I will never forget Gabi your strongest desire to marry Gabe under such a dark shadow. The shadow hasn’t lifted but you Gabi and Gabe deserve the best life.

13. The photo that really counts hasn’t been taken yet. It’s blank but I shall plant it. And in the years to come, you will fill it with everything you create together. Grandchildren, dreams realised, bucket lists, and more celebrations. As you all know, our marriage began with a lot of tragedy, but we were lucky to have 32 years of blessings. That is what I wish for you – only bracha, for a life as long as the years of your grandparents may they live till 120.

• Kerryn did have one request. She wanted me to sing a blessing that I used to sing to all of my kids when they were young, and that I sang at Gabe’s barmitzvah. Excuse my voice, but I want to include you in it Gabi. It’s a song that blesses the guardian angels, one of whom is Gavriel. So hard as it is, I will fulfil my vow as a blessing to you. Beshem hashem….

• And I end with the one bracha that breaks my heart, because it is the only thing I cannot share with Kerryn. Please join me in saying it, the prayer in which we show gratitude for being alive to see this day. Baruch ata …sheheyanu, vekimanu vehigiyanu lazman hazeh.

• And now, let’s dance. ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK

For Rachel and Josh: 'My Rachel is fire, she’s a chandelier" by Mark Baker - 2022

8 August 2022, St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia

Mark Baker the author of two memoirs, The Fiftieth Gate and Thirty Days and is writing a memoir of his recent diagnosis with pancreatic cancer. He’s also contributed some incredible eulogies to this site.

When Rachel and Josh came to our home to tell us they were getting married I had to act surprised. I say ‘act surprised’, not because someone had spoiled it, but because surprise usually signifies a disruption to the natural order of things. Something that makes you say, ‘Oh, I would never have guessed.’ But in this case, their announcement was the most natural thing in the world. Michelle and I have had the privilege of watching Rachel and Josh interact close up. Before they moved overseas to the north of Melbourne, they were our housemates. We were like two married couples occupying the same home. They cooked meals together, conversed together, did everything together though sometimes I caught Josh late at night sitting in one of the side rooms watching TV, usually sports, on his own.

So rather than talk about the surprise announcement, I’ve been searching for another word that captures my emotions as I stand under this chuppa (canopy). I could be corny and use the word naches and it goes without saying there’s an abundance of that. Afterall, how many parents get to boast that their daughter and son-in-law work together in a business that sells vibrators.

I tried a host of other words to encapsulate my emotions. For example, relief, but that’s not it. I mean, there’s definitely an element of relief. Ric and Leora will empathise when I say that after 7 years of going out together we were all privately and publicly saying Nu? When are they finally going to tie the knot? But no, there was always another plan ahead – living overseas for a year, that sense of what’s the rush we know we’re committed to one another, or afterall there’s another Swans footy game to watch, a business to build up, etc, so it did come with a sense of relief when Rach and Josh finally came into this house and announced that they were getting engaged, or was it married, I was too excited at the time to distinguish the precise arrangement.

Amongst all the other words, if there is one that captures what I felt and feel - and I’m sure I could come up with a better synonym - it’s gratitude. I felt the deepest gratitude when I heard the news which has deepened as I’ve had the chance to reflect over this past month, plus 3 days because of the COVID delay, upon hearing that Rachel and Josh were getting married. It was as if Rachel’s life flashed before me in a single screen image. I thought of her as a baby – the cutest baby with blonde wavy hair, who we’re reminded on almost a daily basis is a carbon copy of her Buba, ‘not now, God forbid when I’m old, but when I was young. My Rachel is fire, she’s a chandelier.’ Chandelier and fire are the right descriptors, because from the outset Rachel lit up a room, or in the words of the song that Kerryn gave you from the Carpenters, there’s stardust in your eyes that bestows a magical quality to your presence. And it’s for those reasons, but not alone for those reasons, that I feel sublime gratitude.

There was a period as Rachel grew up as the third child following Gabe and Sarah, when my gratitude was tested. Perhaps it was me and Kerryn who grew lax in our discipline, but Rachel had a ‘get out of jail card’ that her older siblings never possessed, and which instilled in her a bold dose of chutzpah. I’m reminded of the time when she was forbidden from going to a Puzza party yet had the chutzpah to escape in a taxi after we’d gone to sleep. Or when we sent her to Israel for a term and we received a midnight call in Australia that an ambulance had come to collect her because she must have mistaken Maccabi beer for a ticket to the Maccabiah games. Yet how could I not feel gratitude for her courage that year, living in an Israeli school dormitory, outside the security of an Australian program, with her cousin Dean as her only familiar companion.

The years flew by and soon Rachel was at uni. There she started off fulfilling a dream to study architecture. The only problem was that it wasn’t her dream but Kerryn’s. Once again, she showed courage in asserting her will after a semester and chose psychology and marketing. Since then she has exhibited business flair which she must have inherited from her Zaida Yossl, starting her own business in sexual wellness which might have an affinity to Zaida’s business called Swiss Models which I always thought sounded like an escort agency. Nothing could make me prouder and more grateful to see her working alongside Josh and developing the material foundations for their lives. She always said that the measure of her success would be destigmatising her product and selling it in David Jones and sure enough, she’s bettered that and now sells it in Selfridges on Oxford Street in London.

Yet the true test came when she was in her early twenties when Kerryn was diagnosed in the prime of her life with cancer. From the outset, Rachel was realistic about Kerryn’s illness. One of my strongest memories is driving to the beach with her and Rachel asking me directly, how long does Mum have? I didn’t have an exact answer for that question but I knew that Kerryn’s time was limited to months and I told Rachel the truth. Rachel’s next question. How will we cope? She wasn’t asking that as a form of denial, but she wanted to share with me her feelings and fears, and from then on, I found in Rachel a receptive ear and heart, one who could comfort, and be comforted, by the harsh reality that we were facing as a family. In Rachel’s characteristic way, she brought a positive spin to the terrible pain she experienced losing her mother at the age of 23, commemorating Kerryn by planning brunches with me and her siblings on Kerryn’s birthday and buying us presents, making a video to mark Kerryn’s 60th with messages from family and friends from around the world; Always eagerly curious to hear new stories or unknown tidbits of information about her.

Although she was at the age when most kids are interested in partying, Rachel was always present for her mother to the very end. For that, I know Kerryn felt enormous gratitude, as she did with all her children. I know that Kerryn has always been a burning presence for Rachel, especially so in the leadup to this wedding when her absence is so profoundly felt; and so it’s fitting that she wore her mother’s veil under the chuppah. Rachel – you have Kezz’s strength of character, integrity, her warm and amenable demeanour, and most of all, her deep loyalty to friendship and family. As I said at Kerryn’s funeral, and at funerals I’ve spoken at as a mourner for Johnny and your Zaida, the souls of the dead keep living if we carry and nurture them inside us. I know on this day, and all days, that Leora is carrying the memory of her parents Eddie and Lily for whom she deeply loved and cared, and Ric and Carmel sorely miss Rod who died ten years ago. While Kerryn said don’t look for me on a Ouijee Board after I’m gone, I don’t have to guess that she would not only feel gratitude for what you’ve become Rachel, but for the partner you’ve chosen.

Kerryn never met Josh directly, but I recall you telling us both about a boy you had started dating. I remember it so vividly, where we were sitting in the kitchen, and your description of him as a nice boy that we’d approve of. I didn’t know at the time that he was the son of a couple I’ve known since my youth movement days. Michelle and I feel so lucky to have Ric and Leora as our machetunim, in part because we share the rarest of attributes, a commitment to the same values. Ric and I in particular have played tag team with the same institutions, Stand Up, originally called Keshet, and New Israel Fund, which both Michelle and I are involved in. The youth movement Ric attended in his adolescence, Hashi, is housed in a building, Beth Anielewicz, built by Michelle’s grandfather and Josh attended King David and was taught by Michelle’s mother Yael, who remembers him fondly as one of the naughty pack, but considerate and kind boys. Leora too has shared with Michelle and me a Habo background, albeit in the case of Michelle a generation apart. All that makes for so many commonalities, but more than that, I feel profound gratitude for the way you’ve all integrated Rachel into your family, showing her the delights of gourmet cooking, and treating her with love, and yearning with us for this day. I feel gratitude to all of you – to Ric, and Leora, who treat Rachel as a daughter, and also to Ella, Gid and Noah, whose photos are always shared on our WhatsApp group, and Amy whose closeness is reflected in the fact that she has flown in especially from Israel. Thanks to her COVID she has spared us from a rainy day. And also Carmel, whose reputation as modern and youthful precedes her, and who Rachel tells me always takes an interest in all her activities, including the vagaries of her business.

But I mostly feel gratitude to you for giving us Josh, who is the gentlest, kindest, person one could imagine. Everyone loves Josh - how could you not? He somehow manages to straddle his self-perception that he’s shy and introverted, while in reality he’s so at ease with people, engaged in conversation, curious, an adventurer, and a loyal friend. He and Rach are the perfect couple. On the outside Rachel’s beauty may give the perception of a glamourous socialite but she is down to earth and this is something Josh has cultivated in her. I can assure you, her love and tolerance for camping doesn’t come from the Bakers. Rachel grew up with all the cleaning women in our household complaining about how messy her room was. Thankfully, Josh is a balaboos. Not only has he taught Rachel how to cook but also how to clean up a kitchen afterwards. Yet it is still Josh who comes to the rescue after a messy meal, and sprays and soaks the stains on Rachel’s top in the laundry.

Josh has high EQ and also IQ. He is perceptive, reflective, a thinker. He talks about emotions. He is curious about the world and up with the latest cultural wars. And thank God he is progressive in his politics, all attributes which come from an obvious address – the legendary dinners at the Benjamin household. He and Rachel complement each other – Rachel with her passion for healthy food, running, yoga, and physical and spiritual wellbeing, and Josh with his love of sport, on the basketball court or at the G. When I see how much Josh cares for Rachel, and Rachel for Josh, I feel like shouting Hallelujah to the heavens, gratitude in the form of prayer.

After Mum died a new chapter in your life started Rachel, in all our lives. Kerryn made me promise that I wouldn’t let us be – in her words, nebuch, which I have always translated as a mission to fill the chasm by being doubly happy. In that first year after her death, Rachel and I shared a yoga holiday in Puglia, where we supported each other, and our promise has continued to this day, as it has with Gabe and Gabi, and Sarah and Charlotte. As for me, it’s never easy when your father starts dating a new person, but from the outset you gave me your blessing before Michelle and I had become a true couple. Since then, you’ve embraced my relationship with Michelle through to marriage and parenthood. It’s fair to say that of my adult kids, Rachel and Josh have spent the most time with us. The extra room in our house is still called Rachel’s room even though she moved out with Josh over two years ago. And here I have to express gratitude to Michelle, who has always considered the feelings of my kids, pushed me to understand their grief, and offered them counsel on every topic. How profoundly fortunate is the husband whose wife buys the Yizkor candles each year for the memory of her husband’s former wife and for their children. How much gratitude can I express that Sarah and Charlotte and Gabe and Gabi discuss with Michelle everything relating to raising children and life in general, and ask her to be called Savta to their children. And how much gratitude do I owe, that after walking Rachel to meet Josh at the chuppah today, Rachel and Josh saw it as natural that Michelle would stand alongside me. That speaks volumes about Michelle, who is a blessing brought to me in life, as it does about my three kids and their partners.

But my greatest gratitude, I’ve finally thought of the most accurate synonym is revived through the Network series, ‘Shtissel’. Hasdei Hashem –for everything that the kindness or grace of God has brought us. Hasdei hashem that all of my kids love our new miracle child. In our family there are no half siblings or step-mothers, there is hasdei hashem Michelle, and Melila, and her nephews, Miro and Alva, and niece, Ellidy, my einiklech, my grandchildren. Anyone who knows Rachel knows that she sees Lila as her little sister, whom she loves, yearns to visit every day, even if it ends up as a Facetime call during bathtime, and who Melila loves in return, though sometimes Melila will pay more attention to Josh who she has a crush on and has a true gift with children, something new that we can kvetch about with Ric and Leora now that you’re married.

And then there is the head of our family, our matriarch Buba, who is loved by all of us. We know that at Buba’s age and with the unspeakable tragedies she has endured that bookend her life, it’s hard to feel gratitude. As she often says, her horizon is narrow. Yet she has found within this the space the ability to love her great grandchildren and grandchildren. And on this day, she has a wedding, Kol Sasson ve Kol Simcha, amidst everything, a voice of happiness and joy. Her chandelier is radiating with fiery passion, and marrying Josh. ‘Such a nice boy. Such a decent human being. And how he looks after Rachi. He is so good to her.’

And now, as I face my own illness, I have found yet another synonym for the gratitude and naches that Michelle and all my children and grandchildren bring me: bracha. Blessing, grace, pure love, the deepest expression of humanity. Their care for me, how they take me to chemo, worry about me, how all they want to do is go to the zoo with me on an excursion, or on a holiday to Daylesford, or Byron, or Noosa, or Cairns, or Israel, all of us together. We are a true family, now joined together with the Benjamin family. The Benjamin’s are gourmet cooks and I don’t know how Rachi and Josh will live up to the standards they’ve grown accustomed to. So I’ve decided to give you some help to complement your own gourmet skills. A keepsake, something that you will always cherish on behalf of the family, and that will forever sit in your kitchen and be passed down from generation to generation. Gabe and Sarah have agreed to this, though we all want it. This is Kerryn’s recipe book, a collection, in her handwriting, smudged with the foods she cooked on weekdays and on shabbes and chagim. We know you’ll bring her memory to life through taste and feasts we’ll all partake in, and I’m giving you this on the condition that you scan every page so that we can all share in this most precious gift to you.

So as I stand here today, not knowing the breadth of my own horizon, and bewildered by the illness that has struck me from nowhere, I feel truly blessed. Hasdei Hashem. Hallelulujah. Modeh Ani. Thanks. Rachel and Josh are married. The icing on the cake. And no matter what happens, in this moment of life, I feel its fulness, and can only express my gratitude with a bracha, a blessing.

Baruch ata Adonai shehechayanu, vekimunu, vehigiyanu lazman hazeh.
Blessed by God for renewing us and bringing us to this time.

Mark’s been one of our best contributors and we wish him well with his treatment. His books are amazing. You can purchase The Fiftieth Gate and Thirty Days, A Journey to the End of Love.

On Speakola:

Read Mark Baker’s beautiful eulogy to his wife Kerryn

Watch and read Mark Baker’s eulogy for his father, Yossl.

Watch and read Mark Baker’s eulogy to brother Johnny.

Watch and read Kerryn Baker’s engagement speech for Gabe and Gabi.

Kerryn Baker: 'But here tonight, in my love story, with you who surround me, there is nothing to be sorry for', Gabe and Gabi's engagement - 2016

30 January 2016, Melbourne, Australia

When thinking of speaking today, all my family felt it was too hard. They didn’t want to get too sloppy and emotional in public – so I put up my hand and here I am. It’s not everyday that my darling son becomes engaged to the most beautiful girl in the world.

According to George Burns: Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.  I think Gabe is well on his way.

As most of you know, I come from a large traditional highly dysfunctional family. I guess the cat is out of the bag. My parents’ divorced in an extremely acrimonious way.  It made War of the Roses look like a garden party. As a result, a lot of my adult life has been focused on making my kids’ lives easier and more peaceful. It was my mission.

I did this with the help of Mark who could bring happiness and adventure into places in myself that were fearful and dark. And for the most part, we brought up our kids surrounded by warmth and acceptance. I’m very proud of our kids and who they have become.

2015 was in many ways a difficult year for our family. I was to learn that an aggressive form of stomach cancer had made a home in my body. I was always a high achiever. But 2015 was something very different as well. It was the beginning of a love story, a love story that enveloped every part of my life.

It started with me developing two shadows. One was Mark, whose every action was a symbol of love. The way he stayed with me in hospital each night when I was vulnerable. The way he keeps me safe and makes me feel I’m not alone in all of this. My smart husband who never cried started to cry a lot.

Then there was Gabe, my second shadow, who carefully followed me from appointment to appointment, quietly sobbing, holding all the sadness so I could be strong. He then arranged to come to Melbourne every week to be with me. He leaves Sydney, Thursday night and works from home Friday and stays the weekend. When in Sydney he calls me every evening after work on his way to the ferry to see how I am. He has a heart of gold and is incredibly reliable and present. I know he’s going to make a brilliant husband. He learnt from the best.

Then there are my gorgeous girls.

Sarah, who was the first to know and and as a doctor understood what my future might hold. Who could talk to me about her grief, and cry with me, and allow me to mother her. And for us both to find comfort in each other. I so admire Sarah – her integrity, honesty and spirit.

And that powerhouse Rachi – who is clever and thoughtful and practical and compassionate. Preparing food each night, ringing to see if I need anything to be picked up. Impressing me with the force of her will and still finding a place to be young and free.

And now, I have a third gorgeous girl. I couldn’t be more happy to welcome Gabi and her entire gene pool into our family. It’s a shame that most of you only know her outside, because what’s inside is way more beautiful. She is gentle and caring and considerate, smart as a whip, and I love her with all my being.

Indulge me a little so I can acknowledge the others who star in our tale.

Genia and Yossl who have loved me as a daughter. Yossl is the man with the twinkly eyes and enormous heart, who only knows how to be good and kind. He is devoted to his family to the point of selflessness; tells a killer joke and can laugh at himself with a knowing giggle. He is our example of what it means to be a true mensch. While Genia, with her witty tongue, and massive generosity, is the backbone of our family. She embraced me from the first time we met and if she could, would take my illness and make it her own, so I could be healthy.

My siblings are also a big part of this love story.

Ann, who is part sister part protector and is always there for me. Who immediately cancelled her overseas trip to be by my side when discovering I wasn’t well. Ralph, whom I respect greatly and with whom I share a special bond is one of the finest people I know.

Bradley, who began calling me his angel and shleps big baskets of food to my kitchen bench that are lovingly prepared by Tami, who cooks for me every week, twice a week, no excuses, no apologies, to make sure I’m nourished in more ways than one. And my baby brother Glenny who when I tried to tell him of my illness cried out in such deep pain and love that I felt it to my core. I have felt his pain and love every day since. And dear Julie, so supportive in the background with her humour and encouragement.

Johnny and Anita are as close to us as the house across the road, especially those two brothers, who while sipping wine, argue about politics as though the world is listening.

And then there are our nieces and nephews and extended family that I love and adore, and I know, who love and adore me. Because they show me with every interaction and communication.

And finally there are you, my cherished friends, who have researched medical journals. Who have fed me, even when I asked you not to. Who have spent time with me, and tried to spend time with me. Who have showered me in gifts and cards and texts and loved me from near and far. I’ve felt it and appreciate it more than you can know.

And how do love stories usually end? Well, with a proposal, and that is exactly why we’re here today. Not my engagement, thank God, but my beloved children Gabi and Gabe.

That’s already funny that they share a name. But there are more things that our families share. The Metz’s are like the Bakers’ Sydney Doppelgangers. There is Karen and Kerryn, both GPs. Colin a doctor of medicine and Mark, a doctor of history. The Metzs have 3 children - one boy and 2 girls as do we. We each had a dog called Simba. Their son Josh lives far away for work, as does Gabe. Gabi and Sarah are both resident doctors. And Deena and Rachi even look alike. The Metzs are a warm, close, beautiful family who have taken wonderful care of Gabe since he’s been living in Sydney, and I couldn’t be happier that our families are joining today.

Gabe’s proposal started yesterday in Sydney and finished in Melbourne. Could that be an omen? He included the most important people in Gabi’s life, and wanted them to be a part of their coming together. We’re so happy that Gabi’s grandparents, Marlene and Sidney, are here with us today and not on their cruise as originally planned.

I want to thank that handsome Josh for travelling from Los Angeles to celebrate with us all and our yummy Timnah for travelling from Boston. And I want to thank Gabi and Gabe’s friends from Sydney who hopped on a plane at the last minute to be with us.

Gabe is very protective of Gabi. He worries at a party if she goes to fetch a drink by herself, where is she, is she ok, will she manage at the bar? This is a girl who lived alone in Newcastle for four years, travelled to Norway & Tanzania to work in hospitals there and survived a 6 foot 2 inch stalker with a machete.

In some ways, they are a typical couple: one focussed on healthy eating – chicken salads, no carbs, no sweets – and that’s Gabe. Gabi is more of a chips and hamburger kind of girl. Their relationship is very playful and fun and loving. But beneath their charming exteriors they are fiercely ambitious and determined. It gives me so much pleasure to see them together.

In Love Story the movie, I never liked the line “that love means never having to say you’re sorry”. I believe that there are many times in a marriage that you have to apologise and many times you have to forgive each other. But here tonight, in my love story, with you who surround me, there is nothing to be sorry for. I feel so blessed, and despite my aching heart, I am filled with the happiness of a simcha that gives me a taste of all the good things to come. Lechaim to Gabi and Gabe, Lechaim to you all.

Kerryn died on 15 March 2016, just three months later. Her husband Mark Baker delivered this incredible eulogy.