8 August 2022, St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia
Mark Baker the author of two memoirs, The Fiftieth Gate and Thirty Days and is writing a memoir of his recent diagnosis with pancreatic cancer. He’s also contributed some incredible eulogies to this site.
When Rachel and Josh came to our home to tell us they were getting married I had to act surprised. I say ‘act surprised’, not because someone had spoiled it, but because surprise usually signifies a disruption to the natural order of things. Something that makes you say, ‘Oh, I would never have guessed.’ But in this case, their announcement was the most natural thing in the world. Michelle and I have had the privilege of watching Rachel and Josh interact close up. Before they moved overseas to the north of Melbourne, they were our housemates. We were like two married couples occupying the same home. They cooked meals together, conversed together, did everything together though sometimes I caught Josh late at night sitting in one of the side rooms watching TV, usually sports, on his own.
So rather than talk about the surprise announcement, I’ve been searching for another word that captures my emotions as I stand under this chuppa (canopy). I could be corny and use the word naches and it goes without saying there’s an abundance of that. Afterall, how many parents get to boast that their daughter and son-in-law work together in a business that sells vibrators.
I tried a host of other words to encapsulate my emotions. For example, relief, but that’s not it. I mean, there’s definitely an element of relief. Ric and Leora will empathise when I say that after 7 years of going out together we were all privately and publicly saying Nu? When are they finally going to tie the knot? But no, there was always another plan ahead – living overseas for a year, that sense of what’s the rush we know we’re committed to one another, or afterall there’s another Swans footy game to watch, a business to build up, etc, so it did come with a sense of relief when Rach and Josh finally came into this house and announced that they were getting engaged, or was it married, I was too excited at the time to distinguish the precise arrangement.
Amongst all the other words, if there is one that captures what I felt and feel - and I’m sure I could come up with a better synonym - it’s gratitude. I felt the deepest gratitude when I heard the news which has deepened as I’ve had the chance to reflect over this past month, plus 3 days because of the COVID delay, upon hearing that Rachel and Josh were getting married. It was as if Rachel’s life flashed before me in a single screen image. I thought of her as a baby – the cutest baby with blonde wavy hair, who we’re reminded on almost a daily basis is a carbon copy of her Buba, ‘not now, God forbid when I’m old, but when I was young. My Rachel is fire, she’s a chandelier.’ Chandelier and fire are the right descriptors, because from the outset Rachel lit up a room, or in the words of the song that Kerryn gave you from the Carpenters, there’s stardust in your eyes that bestows a magical quality to your presence. And it’s for those reasons, but not alone for those reasons, that I feel sublime gratitude.
There was a period as Rachel grew up as the third child following Gabe and Sarah, when my gratitude was tested. Perhaps it was me and Kerryn who grew lax in our discipline, but Rachel had a ‘get out of jail card’ that her older siblings never possessed, and which instilled in her a bold dose of chutzpah. I’m reminded of the time when she was forbidden from going to a Puzza party yet had the chutzpah to escape in a taxi after we’d gone to sleep. Or when we sent her to Israel for a term and we received a midnight call in Australia that an ambulance had come to collect her because she must have mistaken Maccabi beer for a ticket to the Maccabiah games. Yet how could I not feel gratitude for her courage that year, living in an Israeli school dormitory, outside the security of an Australian program, with her cousin Dean as her only familiar companion.
The years flew by and soon Rachel was at uni. There she started off fulfilling a dream to study architecture. The only problem was that it wasn’t her dream but Kerryn’s. Once again, she showed courage in asserting her will after a semester and chose psychology and marketing. Since then she has exhibited business flair which she must have inherited from her Zaida Yossl, starting her own business in sexual wellness which might have an affinity to Zaida’s business called Swiss Models which I always thought sounded like an escort agency. Nothing could make me prouder and more grateful to see her working alongside Josh and developing the material foundations for their lives. She always said that the measure of her success would be destigmatising her product and selling it in David Jones and sure enough, she’s bettered that and now sells it in Selfridges on Oxford Street in London.
Yet the true test came when she was in her early twenties when Kerryn was diagnosed in the prime of her life with cancer. From the outset, Rachel was realistic about Kerryn’s illness. One of my strongest memories is driving to the beach with her and Rachel asking me directly, how long does Mum have? I didn’t have an exact answer for that question but I knew that Kerryn’s time was limited to months and I told Rachel the truth. Rachel’s next question. How will we cope? She wasn’t asking that as a form of denial, but she wanted to share with me her feelings and fears, and from then on, I found in Rachel a receptive ear and heart, one who could comfort, and be comforted, by the harsh reality that we were facing as a family. In Rachel’s characteristic way, she brought a positive spin to the terrible pain she experienced losing her mother at the age of 23, commemorating Kerryn by planning brunches with me and her siblings on Kerryn’s birthday and buying us presents, making a video to mark Kerryn’s 60th with messages from family and friends from around the world; Always eagerly curious to hear new stories or unknown tidbits of information about her.
Although she was at the age when most kids are interested in partying, Rachel was always present for her mother to the very end. For that, I know Kerryn felt enormous gratitude, as she did with all her children. I know that Kerryn has always been a burning presence for Rachel, especially so in the leadup to this wedding when her absence is so profoundly felt; and so it’s fitting that she wore her mother’s veil under the chuppah. Rachel – you have Kezz’s strength of character, integrity, her warm and amenable demeanour, and most of all, her deep loyalty to friendship and family. As I said at Kerryn’s funeral, and at funerals I’ve spoken at as a mourner for Johnny and your Zaida, the souls of the dead keep living if we carry and nurture them inside us. I know on this day, and all days, that Leora is carrying the memory of her parents Eddie and Lily for whom she deeply loved and cared, and Ric and Carmel sorely miss Rod who died ten years ago. While Kerryn said don’t look for me on a Ouijee Board after I’m gone, I don’t have to guess that she would not only feel gratitude for what you’ve become Rachel, but for the partner you’ve chosen.
Kerryn never met Josh directly, but I recall you telling us both about a boy you had started dating. I remember it so vividly, where we were sitting in the kitchen, and your description of him as a nice boy that we’d approve of. I didn’t know at the time that he was the son of a couple I’ve known since my youth movement days. Michelle and I feel so lucky to have Ric and Leora as our machetunim, in part because we share the rarest of attributes, a commitment to the same values. Ric and I in particular have played tag team with the same institutions, Stand Up, originally called Keshet, and New Israel Fund, which both Michelle and I are involved in. The youth movement Ric attended in his adolescence, Hashi, is housed in a building, Beth Anielewicz, built by Michelle’s grandfather and Josh attended King David and was taught by Michelle’s mother Yael, who remembers him fondly as one of the naughty pack, but considerate and kind boys. Leora too has shared with Michelle and me a Habo background, albeit in the case of Michelle a generation apart. All that makes for so many commonalities, but more than that, I feel profound gratitude for the way you’ve all integrated Rachel into your family, showing her the delights of gourmet cooking, and treating her with love, and yearning with us for this day. I feel gratitude to all of you – to Ric, and Leora, who treat Rachel as a daughter, and also to Ella, Gid and Noah, whose photos are always shared on our WhatsApp group, and Amy whose closeness is reflected in the fact that she has flown in especially from Israel. Thanks to her COVID she has spared us from a rainy day. And also Carmel, whose reputation as modern and youthful precedes her, and who Rachel tells me always takes an interest in all her activities, including the vagaries of her business.
But I mostly feel gratitude to you for giving us Josh, who is the gentlest, kindest, person one could imagine. Everyone loves Josh - how could you not? He somehow manages to straddle his self-perception that he’s shy and introverted, while in reality he’s so at ease with people, engaged in conversation, curious, an adventurer, and a loyal friend. He and Rach are the perfect couple. On the outside Rachel’s beauty may give the perception of a glamourous socialite but she is down to earth and this is something Josh has cultivated in her. I can assure you, her love and tolerance for camping doesn’t come from the Bakers. Rachel grew up with all the cleaning women in our household complaining about how messy her room was. Thankfully, Josh is a balaboos. Not only has he taught Rachel how to cook but also how to clean up a kitchen afterwards. Yet it is still Josh who comes to the rescue after a messy meal, and sprays and soaks the stains on Rachel’s top in the laundry.
Josh has high EQ and also IQ. He is perceptive, reflective, a thinker. He talks about emotions. He is curious about the world and up with the latest cultural wars. And thank God he is progressive in his politics, all attributes which come from an obvious address – the legendary dinners at the Benjamin household. He and Rachel complement each other – Rachel with her passion for healthy food, running, yoga, and physical and spiritual wellbeing, and Josh with his love of sport, on the basketball court or at the G. When I see how much Josh cares for Rachel, and Rachel for Josh, I feel like shouting Hallelujah to the heavens, gratitude in the form of prayer.
After Mum died a new chapter in your life started Rachel, in all our lives. Kerryn made me promise that I wouldn’t let us be – in her words, nebuch, which I have always translated as a mission to fill the chasm by being doubly happy. In that first year after her death, Rachel and I shared a yoga holiday in Puglia, where we supported each other, and our promise has continued to this day, as it has with Gabe and Gabi, and Sarah and Charlotte. As for me, it’s never easy when your father starts dating a new person, but from the outset you gave me your blessing before Michelle and I had become a true couple. Since then, you’ve embraced my relationship with Michelle through to marriage and parenthood. It’s fair to say that of my adult kids, Rachel and Josh have spent the most time with us. The extra room in our house is still called Rachel’s room even though she moved out with Josh over two years ago. And here I have to express gratitude to Michelle, who has always considered the feelings of my kids, pushed me to understand their grief, and offered them counsel on every topic. How profoundly fortunate is the husband whose wife buys the Yizkor candles each year for the memory of her husband’s former wife and for their children. How much gratitude can I express that Sarah and Charlotte and Gabe and Gabi discuss with Michelle everything relating to raising children and life in general, and ask her to be called Savta to their children. And how much gratitude do I owe, that after walking Rachel to meet Josh at the chuppah today, Rachel and Josh saw it as natural that Michelle would stand alongside me. That speaks volumes about Michelle, who is a blessing brought to me in life, as it does about my three kids and their partners.
But my greatest gratitude, I’ve finally thought of the most accurate synonym is revived through the Network series, ‘Shtissel’. Hasdei Hashem –for everything that the kindness or grace of God has brought us. Hasdei hashem that all of my kids love our new miracle child. In our family there are no half siblings or step-mothers, there is hasdei hashem Michelle, and Melila, and her nephews, Miro and Alva, and niece, Ellidy, my einiklech, my grandchildren. Anyone who knows Rachel knows that she sees Lila as her little sister, whom she loves, yearns to visit every day, even if it ends up as a Facetime call during bathtime, and who Melila loves in return, though sometimes Melila will pay more attention to Josh who she has a crush on and has a true gift with children, something new that we can kvetch about with Ric and Leora now that you’re married.
And then there is the head of our family, our matriarch Buba, who is loved by all of us. We know that at Buba’s age and with the unspeakable tragedies she has endured that bookend her life, it’s hard to feel gratitude. As she often says, her horizon is narrow. Yet she has found within this the space the ability to love her great grandchildren and grandchildren. And on this day, she has a wedding, Kol Sasson ve Kol Simcha, amidst everything, a voice of happiness and joy. Her chandelier is radiating with fiery passion, and marrying Josh. ‘Such a nice boy. Such a decent human being. And how he looks after Rachi. He is so good to her.’
And now, as I face my own illness, I have found yet another synonym for the gratitude and naches that Michelle and all my children and grandchildren bring me: bracha. Blessing, grace, pure love, the deepest expression of humanity. Their care for me, how they take me to chemo, worry about me, how all they want to do is go to the zoo with me on an excursion, or on a holiday to Daylesford, or Byron, or Noosa, or Cairns, or Israel, all of us together. We are a true family, now joined together with the Benjamin family. The Benjamin’s are gourmet cooks and I don’t know how Rachi and Josh will live up to the standards they’ve grown accustomed to. So I’ve decided to give you some help to complement your own gourmet skills. A keepsake, something that you will always cherish on behalf of the family, and that will forever sit in your kitchen and be passed down from generation to generation. Gabe and Sarah have agreed to this, though we all want it. This is Kerryn’s recipe book, a collection, in her handwriting, smudged with the foods she cooked on weekdays and on shabbes and chagim. We know you’ll bring her memory to life through taste and feasts we’ll all partake in, and I’m giving you this on the condition that you scan every page so that we can all share in this most precious gift to you.
So as I stand here today, not knowing the breadth of my own horizon, and bewildered by the illness that has struck me from nowhere, I feel truly blessed. Hasdei Hashem. Hallelulujah. Modeh Ani. Thanks. Rachel and Josh are married. The icing on the cake. And no matter what happens, in this moment of life, I feel its fulness, and can only express my gratitude with a bracha, a blessing.
Baruch ata Adonai shehechayanu, vekimunu, vehigiyanu lazman hazeh.
Blessed by God for renewing us and bringing us to this time.
Mark’s been one of our best contributors and we wish him well with his treatment. His books are amazing. You can purchase The Fiftieth Gate and Thirty Days, A Journey to the End of Love.
On Speakola:
Read Mark Baker’s beautiful eulogy to his wife Kerryn
Watch and read Mark Baker’s eulogy for his father, Yossl.
Watch and read Mark Baker’s eulogy to brother Johnny.
Watch and read Kerryn Baker’s engagement speech for Gabe and Gabi.