2007
Hi I'm Ollie, all the way from the UK
First of all I'd like to raise a massive toast to two of the most beautiful, wonderful and loving people I've ever had the pleasure to have in my life.
So if everyone can raise their glasses ... I've lost mine, but ...
So huge cheers to their future, our fortune, and everyone having a blast in this celebration of this wonderful event.
So before I really get going, let me just say that the formative years I have spent in the company of the groom, means he has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Simon if it's not.
And my second disclaimer is, that my speech does not really contain any original material. So if anyone is offended, it's got nothing to do with me.
I'm told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules: stand up, speak up, then very quickly shut up. So I'll try and stick to that advice. As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition, I'm supposed to sing the grooms praises, and tell you all about his many good points. Well I'm very sorry to say that I can't sing, and I won't lie.
I'm slightly bothered by the title of best man. If I'm the best man, then why is Kim marrying Simon? So I'm just happy in saying, that I'm a pretty good man. Because today Simon is the best man. And he is a man that admire for many reasons. Most notably his generous nature, what with him donating his body to science when he started at Plymouth University, and preserving it in alcohol the entire time he went there.
Now I know it's traditional for the best man to wax lyrical about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had. But I don't want to get into all of that. Because frankly, I find such macho, male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But suffice to say, Simon, number 72, that was your lucky number.
Now I really should grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to reveal to you Simon's past misdemeanors. Unfortunately, I've played a part on most of these, and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation.
I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Simon. It will teach him loyalty, self restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play, and so many other qualities he just wouldn't need, had he stayed single.
So I'd just like to say to Simon, you're a lucky groom, marrying Kim, who is beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. She deserves a good husband. So thank god you married her before she found one.
And now you're married, your level of domesticity needs to greatly improve. You need to find where the kitchen is, and learn what the mysterious items contained within it actually do. Gone are the days of hitting speed dial and waiting forty five minutes. You're going to have to start transferring food onto dishes, instead of eating it directly out of the saucepan. And you know that wet area that kitchens have? It's called a sink. The more you use it, the more Kim will love you.
So if we can all raise our glasses again and toast: to love, to laughter and to a happy ever after.
Cheers!