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Jonty Bush: 'She was stabbed to death by her boyfriend' , Young Australian of the Year - 2009

March 23, 2022

26 January 2013, Adelaide, South Australia, Australia

Good afternoon.

Well, thank you for having me. I'd like to start by acknowledging the traditional owners of the land on which we meet, both past and present and respectfully thank them and yourselves for the opportunity to stand here today and to share with you part of my story, and my personal and very humble thoughts on what makes Australia remarkable.

Particularly, given I understand that Lance Armstrong today is, is running the whole confession. So, you know, quite an appealing thing to stay home and watch that Oprah run through. So thank you for coming out and making the effort.

So what does make Australia remarkable? It's a question I've been asked many times since receiving the Young Australian of the year award in 2009, and a question which is highly subjective, depending on who you ask. So yesterday morning, I did probably what every one in my generation does, and I popped the question onto Facebook, 'What makes Australia so great', and predictably there was a varied response. I dunno if everyone can read that but —.

[lists virtues] positive sunny people, the coffee, the beaches, the fact that AFL would always be on the front page of the paper even if world war III was breaking out ... how we're surrounded by an ocean patrolled by the deadliest sharks in the world, sense of community is something that really shone through for people, they really related to that sense of community that Australia seems to have, safety growing up in a community, swimming, water slides, water sprinklers, you know, people really reflected on their own childhoods a lot. What else have we got in there? healthcare system, obviously someone's over in London and a bit dirty at the healthcare system at the moment, the people, the passion and the environment, and then David, the fact that it's not America.

What becomes apparent from this is that people I think are essentially meaning making species and will identify with the Australian traits and the mannerisms which means something to us. We go about our lives witnessing events and actions, forming connections and conflicts with others. And the meaning that we attach to those events begins to form a picture or a story, If you like, around who we are as individuals and how we connect in the world.

I'd like to illustrate this to you by sharing parts of my personal story. Not only to showcase one of the 20 million lives that makes up the tapestry of Australia, but to highlight how our own personal experiences influence what it is that we notice in the world around us.

On the 30th of July in the year 2000, I received a phone call informing me that my 19 year old sister had been in an accident. She'd been out the night before with her live-in boyfriend of just three months. And as far as I knew, she'd been safely tucked away in a hotel room, sleeping off a big night. Within the hours that followed. I learned that my sister had been murdered, she was stabbed to death by her boyfriend, the man who professed to love her. This was my first real taste of violence. My first experience of losing someone that close to me and as I'm sure it's obvious to you, but wasn't so obvious to me at the time, was an incredible turning point in my life. What I didn't see at that time was this one event significant enough in its own right, would mark one of the turning points in my life, and would take me on a journey of both great isolation as I alone discovered who I was and what I valued, but also togetherness as I've walked with others that would teach me about humanity, strength, and optimism. These are the traits that I both remember and loved most about Australia and the people who populate it — humanity, strength and optimism.

Just four months following the death of my sister, my father was assaulted. He was punched twice in the face, collapsed at the scene and was rushed to hospital where he was diagnosed with a subarachnoid haemorrhage, or bleeding in the brain. Now 2012 was an extraordinary year. In many regards, two events stand out for me in particular. One is that we reached our highest heights with Felix Baumgartner skydiving from an astonishing 24 miles above the Earth. And we also explored the depths of our ocean, with James Cameron being the first man to reach the Marianna trench, over 35,000 feet deep and a figure unattainable anywhere else in the ocean.

This day, nearly 13 years, since the death of my father, I still stand in wonderment of how we can and take our people to the edges of space and the depth of the oceans, and yet the mechanics of the human brain and in particular, how to heal it largely remain a mystery to us. On the 18th of November, 2000, just four months after my sister's death, my father's life support was turned off and he passed away as a result of his injuries. He was 49 years old, a father of three, his youngest being my brother who was just 13 years of age and a recent grandfather of an 18 month old.

I've always maintained that you never finish a book on a bad chapter, and the same can be said for our lives. You might tend to have complete control over the events in your life, but you are ultimately the author and narrator of your own story. We all choose where it goes next. For me, I wanted to write myself as the heroine of my story, not the victim. I wanted my life to tell a story of a young woman who experienced tragedy and yet rose above that to create the best life that she could, in a nation where opportunities are endless and where you go next is limited only by your own imagination.

Leaving a solid career in human resources. I journeyed into the victim support and advocacy area. Over the next decade, I worked with literally thousands of families who were bereaved through homicide. Many people I speak with outside of this field expressed to me how depressing this must be and how hopeless. To be honest, it's been anything but. There's nothing more inspiring than seeing another person standing strong in the face of adversity.

I've supported a man whose only two grandchildren were murdered, as at 80 years of age, he started a fundraising group in his local town of Emerald in Queensland, and every Friday night worked the pubs and clubs raising thousands of dollars to support children's causes. I've stood by the side of a mother of a murdered son, as the offender approached her to offer a teary apology. The strength that must have taken for him to make those dozen steps across the courtroom floor and to ask for her forgiveness is something that many of us can only imagine. And the courage that it took on her part to hug him and to say, I forgive you, formed a memory that made a lasting impression on me. As I decided that day, that if she could forgive that act, then there was nothing I couldn't work through.

Our nation's history and present are peppered by stories, just like these. Australia breeds resilience. On the one hand we're a nation with incredible gifts. We're a wealthy nation. In fact, one of the wealthiest nations in the history of the world. We're blessed with growth and opportunity and we are fortunate enough to have leaders in this country who convert these gifts into prosperity for many. But we're also presented with challenges. No one could forget days in our nation's history, such as the black Saturday bushfres in 2009. Over 300 fires burned through Victoria's heartland, affecting 78 communities and taking the lives of 173 people. Or the 2011 Queensland floods, affecting 70 communities and over 200,000 people. Thirty five lives were lost, and three quarters of the state was declared a disaster zone. These events, as catastrophic and devastating as they are, bring out something in the Australian people. Where other nations loot, panic and take advantage of the population's vulnerable, Australians are arguably at our most admirable in the face of adversity. The Red Cross Victorian Bushfire appeal received an unprecedented $378 million in donations, which is around about the equivalent of every Australian donating $20. it was the largest single charitable appeal in Australian history. Whilst more than 55,000 volunteers registered to clean up Brisbane alone during the 2011 floods with thousands more simply turning up, compromising their health and safety to help a stranger in need. It's no wonder with feats like these, that Australia consistently ranks as the world's number one nation on the World Giving Index.

I love that Australians don't take ourselves too seriously, that we believe in second chances, particularly when there's sports involved, and that we celebrate and aspire to be people of substance, rather than those of fleeting fame. (For those that dunno, that's the Kardashians.).

I love that we're encouraged to challenge the status quo, that we recognise that amazing things happen on the fringes. In 2007, I was honoured to become the first victim and youngest person to be the CEO of the Queensland homicide victim support group. One of the areas I wanted to tackle was society's attitudes around violence. At the time I and others were frustrated by the lack of voice and discussion given to the topic and what we could do to address it. For example, people being encouraged by our local city council, to ring up and dub in your neighbours if they breached their water restrictions, yes, you could have someone king hit from behind in Brisbane's entertainment, precinct, and not one witness would come forward. Further to that. I was concerned that this apathy towards violence was reflected in our criminal justice system in many ways, but notably through the 'accident excuse'.

The 'accident excuse' forms an integral part of Queensland's criminal code. In fact, it's in many criminal codes throughout Australia, and holds that a person cannot be criminally responsible for an event which occurs by accident. Critically. It asks jurors to consider whether the outcome from an act of violence, was reasonably foreseeable to the ordinary man. I first encountered this section of the legislation in 2002, during my father's manslaughter trial. The jury presiding in our case were asked how foreseeable was it that the two punches dealt to my father would result in a fatal outcome. On medication, and to my surprise, the jury reached a consensus that it was not foreseeable, that two punches could result in death and they delivered a verdict of not guilty with the offender walking free from court. I then encountered the accident section of the law soon after becoming CEO of the homicide group, where during the first 12 months, two cases, which proceeded through court were found to be not guilty because of the accident,excuse. Both cases involved seemingly minimal acts of violence, one or two punches, and in both cases juries determined that death was not a foreseeable outcome to the ordinary man.

These outcomes clearly had a devastating impact upon the surviving family. Imagine for a moment, not only losing someone you love suddenly and through violence, but then being asked to accept that even though the offender committed a criminal act when they assaulted the victim, because they didn't intend to cause death, and because to the ordinary person death isn't foreseeable, that offender now walks free from court.

It was this sense of injustice that led myself and others to do two things. The first thing was the lobby government to review and change the legislation surrounding the accident excuse. The second was to start an education campaign targeting our young people particularly, reminding them about the consequences of just one punch.

The One Punch Can Kill campaign was our solution to that social problem and has since been supported by the Queensland government. I know it's saved lives. I've had young people approach me to say how they place One Punch wristbands on their hands to stop them fighting with their peers. And it's also led to a national discussion around violence, its consequences, and what we can do to challenge the Australian norms, which support it.

Since embarking on this advocacy path, I've challenged politicians, spoken openly in the media against judges' decisions and implored people to raise our expectations of lawmakers. I've had incredible media support and, largely, community goodwill towards the campaign. In other countries throughout the world, I would've been lucky to make a headline. Whilst in some countries, as a woman protesting or challenging the laws, I would've been shot.

Late last year, I started a new project called Project 24, which aims to unite Australian women towards greater safety outcomes for other women, both nationally and globally. In just a few short months we've raised a considerable sum for our first project, a domestic violence shelter in the Solomon Islands.

And it was another great reminder of two things.

One is the beauty and the necessity of freedom. Australian nationals are born into it. We inherit it for no reason other than we were the lucky ones who happened to have Australian parents. And I reluctantly admit that many of us probably take it for granted. Whilst researching for Project 24, I was gutted by some of the stories I read, where women side of Australia were victimised often purely because they were women. I read of children under 10 years of age being sold as child brides, and of a woman who was gang raped only to be told by a judge that she was too old and ugly to be sexually assaulted. For these women, freedom is an aspirational concept, something to be desired, but never achieved. One of the greatest things I love about Australia is the freedom to be a woman, to be a young person, to speak my mind, to create waves and to create change without fear.

The second reminder I've had whilst working on Project 24 and the final point of my conversation with you is the impact that one person can make in the world. I grew up in a working class suburb in Tasmania, where most of my peers didn't graduate beyond year 10. Teenage pregnancy was the norm and unemployment was high. Despite two loving and hardworking parents, I spent my early years conditioned to believe that this was the future I had to look forward to. I've spent my adult life since challenging that deep-seated belief, expecting more of myself and believing that anyone no matter their origins can create a life they're proud of.

I love that in Australia, a small town Tasmanian girl who left home at 16 years of age and failed year 12, isn't typecast as a failure. That she could go on to complete a bachelor degree. And most recently her masters. That she can become the CEO of an organisation, that she can lobby and change the law, and change the way others view victims of crime. That one day she'd be recognised nationally for this and end up travelling Australia, speaking with communities about violence, whose opinions are published through the media, develops a career as a presenter and speaker, and most recently had dinner with Prince Charles and Camilla! That's me.

You can't really see it, but it is me!

Only in Australia. It's on this note, I'd like to sincerely thank the Australia Cay Council, its sponsors and supporters, for recognising the work of this small town Tasmanian girl, amidst the amazing work that's brought to your attention each and every year. I spoke earlier of meaning. You've given my life a whole new dimension of meaning, and I'm forever grateful that you saw and believed in me. So to the council supporters and sponsors, thank you very much.

I'd also just like to throw in a shameless plug for women. We are still always looking for women to join Project 24, to help us in our fundraising efforts to improve the safety and quality of life for women globally. So if there's women out there that would be interested in joining a good team, that's how you can get in touch with me. And if anyone wants to contact me directly, it's my details. So on that note, I'd like to thank everyone for listening. I hope it encourages you to consider the meaning that you attached to being Australian and have an awesome lunch.

Thanks very much.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvKRnOhygS...

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In NATIONAL IDENTITY Tags JOINTY BUSH, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, MURDER, TRANSCRIPT, AUSTRALIA DAY LUNCEHON, YOUNG AUSTRALIAN OF THE YEAR, AUSTRALIAN, ONE PUNCH, ASSAULT, FATHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, ACCIDENT EXCUSE, ONE PUNCH LAWS, PROJECT 24, WOMEN'S RIGHTS, GENDER EQUALITY, MANSLAUGHTER, INTENT TO KILL, FORGIVENESS
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Rob Carlton: 'That's my stick', Wheeler Centre Show & Tell - 2016

April 12, 2016

17 February 2016, Wheeler Centre, Melbourne, Australia

Tony Wilson hosted a 'Show and Tell for Grown Ups' session at the The Wheeler Centre. The other guests were Sofija Stefanovic and Alison Lester. There will be more Show and Tell for Grown Ups in July 2016.

Tony: It is, ladies and gentlemen, it's a stick.

Rob: If I put it there it blends into the background though, you can't see, it's got a camouflage going on. Maybe... can you see that? Alright. There you are.

Tony: It's a stick.

Rob: It's my stick!

Tony: So, talk us through, ah, a stick.

Rob: So, I was thinking about this, and this stick kinda comes within a story, within a story, I think. And certainly by the end of this, we'll know whether there's a story in it at all.

So that stick, was in my house growing up, it was always part of our lives. My mum and dad were amazing cooks, my dad loved cooking curries, and for as long as I can remember, that stick was in our kitchen, in Bayview, which was my home where you get a real sense of home.

And that stick was used to stir our curries.

And at some point, I think in my teens, I learned that that stick was brought into my family when – before I was born – about 18 months before I was born, when my mum and dad and two older sisters were living in New Zealand and my older brother Richard was born.

And at eight weeks of age, my brother Richard died of cot-death, and my mum and my dad and my sisters walked down to the beach, on a lonely cold, windy day. An Australian family sitting on a beach in New Zealand, trying to gather courage together, and they picked up that stick. And they bought it home. And I learned about that when I was in my teens, and it was always this wonderful thing, it was something that was just there and we always used it and it was part of our life.

And then my mum and dad got a bit older, and as wise parents do, when they start to get older, they divested themselves of all these things that, should they go under a bus, it won't mean anything to anyone else –

[adjusts wilting microphone] Hang on, I'm an old roadie, don't worry about this. Being an actor, you can pretty much do EVERY job...um ...Coffee anyone?

Tony: A long time since you've done those ones though, isn't it?

Rob: (laughs) So, yeah, when older people ... being sensible ... so they gave it to me. It was my stick. 'Cos I was the replacement boy. And so I now got this stick and I then have it my house and I've got twin boys, my eleven year old boys, and I explain to them everything that goes on in my life, and I tell them that this is my stick and this is how we came to get it. And they call it ‘The Stick Of Richard Life’. My little boys call it ‘The Stick Of Richard Life’, so that's the name.

So here's where the story gets into a bit of a different sort of story and it starts to go slightly skewiff. Right. Oh, and don't worry about me, I do get emotional, but trust me, I'm feeling fine ...(laughs)

So we then, in Sydney we do something that's called Story Club, and we sit down and write a sixteen hundred word story and we read it out in a big oversized chair. Now the theme of Story Club this month was 'Sense of impending doom' – write a story about when you had a sense of impending doom.

Now, here's the bizarre thing. I don't have a sense of impending doom. I've never had a sense of impending doom, and it remains one of the great mysteries of my life, how my mum and dad were able to bring me up in a world that was only ever going to shine on me, that was only ever going to give me joy and wonder and happiness if I showed it to the world.

I was never mollycoddled, I never ever got a sense that this world would take me away. And how my mum and dad did that after going through what they went through, remains a mystery.

So, I wrote this story. And I framed my story up with this stick, and talked about the irony of growing up without this impending doom, given everything I should have had should have been fear and worry.

So I write this story, and I read it out and it was good, man! I nailed it. (laughs)

But then, of course, I've gotta tell my mum and dad, and I’ve done this thing, and am I cashing in on the family heartache and grief? ... and then, oh dearie me, I wasn't doing that, I know what I'm like, I was honest and clear in my intent. So I wasn't doing that, but for the first time ever, I felt reticent. A little. To tell my mum and dad about my story that I'd written for fear of the emotions that it would bring up.

And shortly thereafter I came down to Melbourne, and I was having dinner, and I did think to myself, what shall I do in this situation? And so I do what I always do, I arrived and spilled my guts immediately - (laughs), that’s just how I roll.

And so that led to this, um – now we're gonna be here 'til eight o'clock – So I told my mum and dad, this is what I've done. And of course my mum and dad are amazing people, and so emotionally courageous, and transparent and we talked about that, the detail, I'd never really got an understanding of what my dad went through.

My dad’s framing of those horrible days back in New Zealand forty six years ago was always 'it was so much worse for your mum', 'you see, Rob, back then our lives, it was segregated, I would go to work but your mum was at home with the children, and she carried Richard, and she was looking after Richard, and she was with Richard for every hour of every day’, and this was my understanding of that time. And in fact, my story, when I wrote it, it focused on that moment that my sister would tell me, she stills remembers that moment of mum running down the garden path, saying 'He's gone! He's gone!'

And it's a heartbreaking image in my mind, but that was my memory of this time, and I wrote this story. So I have this interesting evening with my mum and dad, and then I go to the theatre just down here, and my older sister, by chance – it's her birthday and she's at the theatre – and she rarely goes to the theatre, and I hadn't organised to be there with her, she was there with her husband and we go and see a show together – it was poor – and we meet in the foyer afterwards, we go to the Curve Bar afterwards, and they say, ‘how are you’ and I say I'm really well, but I've just had this really interesting, incredible night with mum and dad talking about the detail of that day Richard died.’

And I said, ’you know, I'd talked about this, and I'd talked about that and I said about the moment with mum running down the garden path ... and I was just sad ...’

And she said, 'Oh, but Rob, that's not the clearest memory of my day.'

I said, ‘what is it?'

And she said, 'Dad.'

And I'd never heard anything about my Dad's response on that day. I'd only ever heard it through the prism of dad saying 'it was so much worse for your mum', and that was it.

I said, ‘What do you mean?’

Now I may lose it through this bit, again don't worry, I'm brave.

So we're standing in the Curve Bar, having this conversation, and my sister says, 'My most potent memory of that day, when they put Richard in the back of the ambulance – Dad banging on the roof of the ambulance, and howling.'

And she told me that, and I had this emotional punch, it was like a fist jamming into my chest and I literally went [howls] and bent down and started sobbing and sobbing, and I couldn't stand up and I bent down to my knees and it was, I was like a groaning wreck.

I've never felt anything like that in my life. Nothing since, nothing before. And at that moment I felt guilt, and I felt shame. I felt that I hadn't honoured my father's grief, I felt as a son I didn't really know the truth of the most horrific thing in my father's life. And I'd written a story and I honoured my mum and her bravery and courage and optimism.

But, I felt like I'd sold my father out a little bit.

It was an astonishing moment. And being what I am, I needed to kind of try and make a reparation. So, I thought about this and a week or two later I –

Oh and then mum and dad said, ‘Will you show us the story?’ Haah, shit! And it's mad. I mean like, it's an adventure story, it's a road trip story, so, no sense of impending doom, man. And me and my buddy go on a road trip, we hitch-hike, we spend a night with an attempted murderess, there's nudity, there's panel vans, there's you know, a lot of low-level criminality, and I think, but, you can read that mum and dad, but there's also The Stick Of Richard Life stuff.

So I sent it to them and Mum and Dad read it and they ring up and they say, 'Oh, we read your story' and say some nice (things) and dad gets on the phone, and he’s very proper and he says, 'Ooh helloo' – you know I've written plays – and he says, 'I've seen a lot of the things you've done, Rob, but, I've never read your prose, and they're quite beautiful, crisp, not too many long words, very clear, I mean beautifully done, a lovely story, obviously very sad, and I'm sure the people that heard it were crying, but in terms of the quality of the literature, very well done.'

I'm sittin' there thinking, fu-uck.

I said, 'Thanks dad, but I gotta say..', this thing – and I didn't want to talk about that moment [indicates banging on the roof of the ambulance] it was not for me to bring up, that moment -  but I did say, I'd been thinking about this, and I said, ‘You know dad, I really don't feel that I've ever really, I guess, honoured or accepted or talked to you about what you really went through, it's always been through the prism of a family, through the prism of what mum went through and what my sisters, but I never really ...’

And he said 'Oh no, well yes, it was obviously very very difficult, very sad', but – and then boom, like a switch, straight to the dominant story – it was so much worse for your mother, there was nothing really difficult for me, I had to go to work, this is the way it was, it's your mother, it's your mother, it's your mother.

And I didn't test it further, because that is my Dad's story.

Now, two things to come out of this: one, I think it gave me an insight into what it is different members of the family do, and when we come to an experience and we walk away with our own story of it, each member of a family, each member of that experience has their own narrative that they need so that they can keep moving forward in a way that helps everybody get forward. And at that point in time, I truly believe that my dad needed to sublimate the heartache and the pain of what it is to lose his only son, in order for my mum to repair, and my sisters to grow, and for me, should I arrive, to be born into a world that still has hope, and that every time I go to sleep isn't the most frightening time in the world, for a family. Which I think it would have been. So I think that's what my dad had to do, and that's what he clung to, and that was his story.

And then the thing I've been thinking on, in this last month – my dad died on Christmas Eve – it wasn't guilt I felt that day, or shame or sadness, when my sister told me about that image [indicates banging both hands on the roof] and the ambulance. I have a feeling it was an inherited memory.

The feeling was so visceral, it was so strong, it was, I mean, the time was instantaneous, when my sister said this was what your dad did, I hit the deck and I was howling, and I don't know how we as human beings learn, what we learn, what knowledge is innate, what we're born with, what's nature, what's nurture, but it's my feeling that that particular experience that my dad went through forty six years ago, has somehow, through the wonder of procreation found its way somewhere into my heart and body, and my dad's experience rests now with me.

That's my stick.

Rob discusses this speech and salon storytelling generally in episode 17 of the Speakola podcast


Source: http://www.wheelercentre.com/broadcasts/sh...

Enjoyed this speech? Speakola is a labour of love and I’d be very grateful if you would share, tweet or like it. Thank you.

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In HEALTH Tags ROB CARLTON, WHEELER CENTRE, SHOW AND TELL, TONY WILSON, TRANSCRIPT, FATHER, SON, MOTHER, COT DEATH, TRAGEDY, INHERITED MEMORY, SPEAKOLIES 2016, BRONZE SPEAKOLIE
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Tony Wilson: 'Fine thanks, and you?', Cancer Council Arts Awards, 2012

September 9, 2015

29 July, 2012, Melbourne Australia

As always, it's a pleasure to be here today - this ceremony for me always has an almost ecclesiastical feel, as we share and honour work inspired by the pain and trauma of a cancer diagnosis. My category is the young writers category, and the task of judging these pieces is, I promise you, a half day, half box of tissues affair. But the standard is always exceptional and this year, I promise, is no exception.

We all know our own pain best. I don't wish to deflect from the outstanding work of young writers in the audience today, nor do I wish to conflate my pain with theirs. But given the cathartic notes this event is capable of adducing, I'll ask your permission to share a little of my past year, particularly in light of one entry that had an enormous impact on me.

I haven’t felt comfortable speaking much about Jack’s cerebral palsy. We found out on my wife’s birthday last year, a devastating ‘can you come in’ phone call from a paediatrician on the eve of our son’s discharge from the Mercy’s Special Care Nursery.

Amidst the intermittent joy of having a new baby, it’s been a year full of uncertainty and fear. How severe will it be? What faculties will be affected? Will he walk? Talk? Go to school? Have friends? Leave home? Fall in love?

Will he be okay when we die?

Will he be okay?

The best advice any medical practitioner gave me over the twelve months was a GP at Clifton Hill Medical Centre. ‘Stop trying to imagine the future because you won’t get it right. Life’s too mercurial for any of us to imagine what’s going to happen.’

I have been almost entirely unsuccessful at following this advice.

Nevertheless, I stand here today, and I feel capable of articulating the pain. The sharp grief of twelve months ago has been worn smooth by simple effluxion of time.

It’s my fifth year doing this job, and it’s always an emotional ceremony. As most of you know, the idea of the awards is that people who have been touched by cancer express their experience through art – whether it be film, photography, visual art, poetry or short stories.

Last year, as I stood here, I was full to the brim with my own sadness, and it overflowed into great show stopping sobs. I battled on, embarrassedly aware that everything had suddenly become about me, even when so many of you have your own battles, your own dark clouds to worry about.

Today, I won't fall apart. Certainly not in that way. Possibly because I’m feeling stronger, that the sadness for the loss of the dream of a perfect baby has been healed by time spent with the wonderful baby we do have. For Jack is wonderful, and the easiest parts of what has been a harrowing journey have been those spent with him in arms. But just as likely, it’s passage of time.  Maintaining the grief is as exhausting as maintaining the rage, and although the sadness is no longer so fresh that I’m breaking down in public situations, I’m still looking at every alert, crawling, fully-sighted one year old and thinking ‘not my baby’, and I’m still looking at active, able bodied adults and thinking ‘will he ever?’.

How does it go again? ‘Stop trying to imagine the future because you won’t get it right.’

The other consistent advice we have been given by other parents of children with disabilities is to accept help, support each other, and enjoy the victories when and if they occur. A poem we’ve been forwarded several times is ‘Welcome to Holland’ by Emily Pearl Kingston. It’s right about the windmills – they are very nice – but it’s also right about the pain. We wanted to go to Italy.

Of course pain is inevitable. it’s impossible to reach middle age without facing one or all of death, illness, unemployment, estrangement, betrayal, rejection or failure. One of the privileges of judging the Cancer Council Arts Awards is that the entrants lay bare their pain in a way that takes a courage and openness that I, as a writer, rarely feel capable of. Indeed I’m only saying this because these young artists we're honouring today inpsired me to do so.

There were many great entries, all of which are profiled on the Arts Awards website. You can vote for a favourite as part of the People’s Choice award. Here are a few of my mine:

In the children’s visual art category, Lanya Johns painted this amazing piece ‘Three Faces Have We’. Her artist statement reads:

“I remember hearing my Mum talk about a quote once that goes something like, ‘Everybody has two faces – be careful of those with three’. I feel sometimes like cancer has given us three faces. There is the public smiley face, the private and terrified face – and then the face that we all try to protect each other from seeing. We are lucky we three. We have each other, and all our faces.”

In the adult’s visual art category, the commended entry was ‘Ben’ by Vanessa Maccauley

In the Indigenous Art category, Rex Murray painted this affecting piece about the feeling of helplessness he had dealing with the death of his brother, the strong, active kid that he used to jump into rivers with as a kid.

And in the Children’s Writing section, the one that I judged, the winning entry was this tribute by Mena Sebo to her Mum, ‘I Love You as Much as You Love Me’.

But maybe the piece that spoke to me more than any other was the one I awarded the top prize in the Youth Writing section. It’s a poem by Elle Richards, ‘What goes unsaid’ and it’s about the everyday ‘how are you’ gambit that opens so many of our social interactions. It's called, 'What goes unsaid'

What Goes Unsaid

A friend stops and waves,
“Hey! It’s good to see you, how are you?”
I was only twelve.
Cancer had lurked in my hallway; tapped on my window.
It had seeped through the cracks in my wall.
I had breathed it in, let it fill my lungs.
It never left me,
never stopped haunting me.
Good morning Cancer,
but never goodnight.
It had shadowed the dark,
followed me to school.
It had entwined itself in my thoughts,
left me sleeping with the light on,
afraid of its presence,
angry at its power.
I had sat by as chemotherapy claimed my mother’s hair,
turned her skin yellow and made her bones weak.
I had watched radiation therapy.
Seen my mother’s body burned by clunking machines.
The machines had no feelings, they burned scar upon scar.
But my mother had feelings, and she cried.
A lot.
I had screamed.
Slammed doors, punched pillows.
I had felt anger claw at my stomach;
it had made me feel sick and alone.
I had let tears run to my mouth and soothe my cracked lips.
I cried until I felt no emotion at all. None.
I had seen my mother break down in the kitchen.
Screaming, panicking.
She had curled herself in a ball; hugged her knees and screamed.
I had sat next to her; I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t touch her. I just sat there.
Next to her.
Just as afraid.
I had been jealous of the gifts that landed at our front door.
Beautiful soaps and chocolates.
One after the other.
Not for me.
Not a single card or flower.
I had seen her with only one breast.
I had seen her, too sick and too tired to move.
I had seen my mother tangled in tubes.
Covered by white sheets,
white pillows,
white walls,
white floors.
And unnaturally white skin.
I had checked on her every morning.
Every
single
morning.
I checked while she was sleeping,
hoping she was just sleeping.
I had slipped into her bed and wrapped myself in her blankets.
I had gently maneuvered myself between her warm arms and cuddled my head near
her chest. Gingerly. Carefully.
I had rested my chin near the scars that were her breast.
And laid there, warm and comfortable,
but still afraid.
Always afraid.
But every scar on my mother’s chest,
every tube in her arm,
every tear on her face,
made me stronger.
And I believed if I gave all my strength to my mother, she would live.
So I blew it into a purple crystal and put it by her bed.
Now this man is smiling at me, asking how I am.
And it takes all my strength to reply simply;
“I’m good thanks, and you?”

Congratulations Elle. Congratulations to all our winners. Thank you.

Source: http://tonywilson.com.au/fine-thanks-and-y...

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In HEALTH Tags CANCER, WRITING, DISABILITY, CEREBRAL PALSY, SON, FATHER, TONY WILSON, POEM, TRANSCRIPT
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